01/17/2006

Dolly's Big Day

Australian Open Quiz: [Tennis’ first major gets underway this
week.] 1) Name the men’s and women’s singles champs in
2005. 2) How many has Andre Agassi won? 3) Who won back-
to-back in 1992 and ’93? [First name begins with ‘J’] 4) Evonne
Goolagong won three in a row. [Four overall] Give the years for
her streak. 5) Who is the last woman to win three in a row?
Answers below.

Pittsburgh 21 Indianapolis 18

Yes, my Super Bowl pick exits and once again a Manning didn’t
get the job done. Nice boys good father but zero rings.

But to Mike Vanderjagt, who’s known to be one of the bigger
jerks on the planet, a Bar Chat “Lifetime Jerk” award, cemented
by his choke job.

And hey, since all my relatives are from Pittsburgh, and my Jets
suck, I’ll hop on board that Steeler bandwagon any time, as I did
when they were winning all those Super Bowls in my youth. But
rabid Steelers fan Jeff B. doesn’t want me picking them against
Denver your official NFC / AFC Championship picks on
Thursday as your editor puts his .149 winning percentage on the
line.

Ladies and Gentlemen Your American Figure Skating Team!

I totally forgot the U.S. Olympic Trials for the women’s team
were Saturday, otherwise I would have caught some of it. But I
loved this account by the Los Angeles Times’ Bill Plaschke.

Sasha Cohen won, Kimmie Meissner was runner-up and Emily
Hughes was third. Ordinarily, all three would be heading to
Turin. But this time is different.

“This wasn’t a skating championship, it was a Sno-Cone
convention, the contestants’ costumes covered in ice chips
stained purple and blue and orange.

“America’s best skaters became frozen sculptures, dropping into
various poses more suited for a Sunday buffet than an Olympic
qualifier.

“This wasn’t Savvis Center (St. Louis), it was Rockefeller
Center. These weren’t Olympic hopefuls, they were curling
stones.

“On the final night of the national championships Saturday, the
mighty fell. And fell. And fell.

“And, in the end, the Kwan-troversy disappeared faster than
third-place finisher Emily Hughes.”

Michelle Kwan, who has been hurt and didn’t compete, was
granted the third slot on the Olympic team by the U.S. Figure
Skating Association.

“Kwan has a better chance?

“Better, indeed, than Hughes, who fell so hard it sounded like
she had been tackled.

“ ‘Ice is slippery,’ she said.

“Better too than Meissner, who was eight seconds from an
amazing performance when she took an amazing spill.

“ ‘My legs were kind of dead,’ she said.

For per part, Cohen “stumbled out of one jump and finished with
a giant shrug.”

Hughes couldn’t be reached for comment on her being replaced
by Kwan.

“It was hard for her to argue while lying on the ice on her
stomach.

“It became a good decision beginning with the first skater in
Saturday’s final group, Alissa Czisny, one of the heirs to Kwan’s
throne.

“Boom. Boom. Boom. Three falls and she was out.

“ ‘I don’t know if I was a little shaky out there,’ Czisny said,
make her the only one.

“The next top competitor was Meissner, who fumbled just five
yards short of a memorable touchdown run.

“ ‘I gave it everything I had,’ Meissner said, which is part of the
problem.”

The vote to put Kwan on the team was 20-3, though in a few
weeks she will have to perform before a committee of five just to
make sure she has recovered from her injury.

As Bill Plaschke concludes, “As long as her program doesn’t
include, say, digging a hole in the ice and fishing through it,
she’s probably in.”

Dolly Turns 60!

This week one of the great entertainers of all time, Dolly Parton,
turns 60. How can you not help but love this woman.

Born in Locust Ridge, Tennessee, in the Smokey Mountains,
Dolly was the fourth of a dozen children born to Lee and Avie
Lee Parton. “I was born with a happy nature and a happy heart,”
she once remarked. “I was born with the gift of understanding
people and loving them and I’ve never been unhappy. I’ve
always seen the light at the end of the tunnel.”

But what a rough childhood she had. They all lived in a two-
room shack with an attic and Dolly’s father worked his butt off
just to put food on the table. I can’t imagine their situation.

Dolly started singing right away and she did make it through
high school, after which she headed to Nashville where she met
her husband, Carl Dean, an asphalt-paving contractor. I’ve
always thought these two have an interesting relationship. Back
in 1976 Dolly said, “My husband is a very home-based person
He’s good for me because he’s so different in nature from me.
We’ve never had an argument. There’s nobody else like him and
I know in my heart that there will never be another person for
me.” And they’ve been together all these years.

Musically, Dolly would team up with Porter Waggoner in 1967,
a huge star in those days who had a traveling show, and by the
late 60s the hits began to accumulate. Over the years she had at
least 24, #1 country hits (my records don’t include the last few),
including nine during her best stretch, 1973-78.

But then she made a bold move. From Irwin Stambler and
Grelun Landon’s “Country Music: The Encyclopedia”:

“In the mid-1970s (Dolly) felt her career could go no further.
When she took steps to broaden her public following through
some changes in musical direction and a wide-ranging public
relations campaign fans and country-music associates alike
expressed alarm. She would destroy her career, they suggested,
perhaps become a laughingstock by exposing herself to comic
barbs of interviewers like Johnny Carson .

“In part, some observers confused Parton’s stage image with the
actual person. The trademark large, fluffy blonde wig (she
quipped to a Las Vegas audience in early 1981, ‘You’d be
amazed how expensive it is to make a wig look this cheap’),
well-developed chest, and Mae West-like figure suggested to
some she was a dumb blonde. Those who met her knew
otherwise: she was soft-spoken, attractive in a dignified way, and
exuded both self-confidence and intelligence.”

In an interview with Robert Hilburn of the Los Angeles Times in
1981, Dolly recalled an important date on “The Tonight Show” a
few years earlier.

“I didn’t fear going on the (Carson) show because I work best
one-to-one. I was a fan of Johnny Carson and I wanted people to
notice me. I didn’t care if it was for the right reasons or the
wrong reasons at first. I felt I had a gift as a writer. I may not be
a great singer, but my voice is different. I’m secure in those
areas.

“If I could get their (viewers) attention long enough, I felt they
would see beneath the boobs and find the heart, and that they
would see beneath the wig and find the brains. I think one big
part of whatever appeal I possess is the fact that I look totally one
way and that I am totally another. I look artificial, but I’m not.”

The appearance proved to be a big step for Dolly as she made her
move to cross over to pop and Hollywood. She had two #1
Billboard Pop hits in “9 to 5” and “Islands In The Stream,” the
latter with Kenny Rogers, and of course a big film with the
former.

Dolly Parton is still going strong today. An American original.
We wish her Happy Birthday.

Stuff

--“Pre-Human Child Eaten by an Eagle”

From Reuters and the Los Angeles Times, “Some of our distant
relatives were prey for birds.”

Yes, it would appear that “Taung child,” a 2-million-year-old
hominid skull famed for being one of the most dramatic
evolutionary finds in history, was killed and eaten by an eagle.

“Lee Berger, a paleoanthropologist at the University of the
Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, said the Taung child had
probably been scooped up by an eagle and taken to its nest,
where its eyes were ripped out for food.”

Now if we could only find the eagle. It’s time he faced up to the
crime.

Then again, this could have been a Nazgul, at which point I’m
not going to be the one trying to track him down.

--Sorry, but I missed a fatal shark attack in Australia the
weekend of Jan. 6. From BBC News:

“Sarah Whiley suffered unimaginable pain when she was killed
by a pack of sharks off the eastern Australian coast .

“The 21-year-old university student was savaged in shallow
water east of Brisbane.”

That’s 10 fatalities in Australian waters the past five years. Our
sympathies to the families involved.

But now there is a campaign afoot to get rid of the mesh nets that
protect about 50 beaches in and around Sydney because of all the
innocent wildlife that is swallowed up in them, including
dolphins and sea turtles.

Heck, I didn’t even know these nets were up. Take ‘em down .
we need more Bar Chat, I say.

--You really had to feel for Cincinnati Bengals quarterback
Carson Palmer when he suffered a freakish knee injury two
weekends ago against Pittsburgh. What we found out this week
is the injury is “devastating and potentially career-ending”
according to the surgeon who performed the operation. Palmer
had all kinds of ligament tears, a shredded ligament, damaged
cartilage and a dislocated kneecap.

Dr. Lonnie Paulos said, “It’s not just like it was a torn A.C.L.
It’s a magnitude more difficult to recover from and repair. It can
and has ended careers, without a doubt.”

But Paulos and those around Palmer are confident he can come
back. I’ll be pulling for him.

--The holidays in Russia are particularly brutal on the liver, as
Mark Teeter of the Moscow Times spelled out the other day.

Friday, Jan. 13.

“At this point you’re almost numb: You’ve been celebrating
holidays for something like a month and a half and you’re asking
yourself (or your liver is asking you), ‘Haven’t we had enough
fun yet?’

“No, you haven’t. Obviously. The table was barely cleared after
Saturday’s Russian Christmas feast when your friends announced
that yet another holiday, this one bafflingly called Old New
Year, was looming nigh, Jan. 14. Now you’re wondering aloud
to anyone within earshot: Is there no end to this revelry? Am I
stuck in college forever?”

Russia has this unique problem because of the difference
between the Eastern and Western church calendars (Julian vs.
Gregorian). So Russian Orthodox Christmas is celebrated
differently and even Chinese New Year is marked differently in
various parts of the country.

Then you have all the political holidays.

United Russia Day (Jan. 15): “This is traditionally observed
either by small groups of intimate friends wearing bear suits
(brown or white) or by large groups of youths wearing matching
hats and t-shirts as they spontaneously demonstrate for or against
something their leaders evidently like or don’t.

Rodina Day (Jan. 19): Time for a “traditional game of throwing
watermelon rinds at pictures of people darker than you and then
denying you did it.”

LPDR Day (Jan. 21): Upside Down Day! “This is the festive
day for people who call themselves Liberal and Democratic but
hate liberals and democrats; who are ardent racists but accuse
others of racism; and who can tie their own neckties but haven’t
learned to button up their shirts yet.”

--Speaking of bears, China is rejecting international calls for an
end to the farming of bears for bile, saying it has no plans to
order an end to the practice. [Shi Jiangtao / South China
Morning Post]

Yeesh this is disgusting.

Actually, the number of bear farms (which I didn’t even know
existed) have declined from 480 in the 1990s to 68 today, with
about 7,000 bears being raised. But bear bile remains an
indispensable ingredient in traditional Chinese medicine and
authorities aren’t about to do away with the practice until a
legitimate substitute can be found.

China is trying to convince the rest of us that the practice of
extracting bile from the bears’ liver is painless and humane.
Let’s move on, shall we?

--Lorne Manly had a story in the New York Times on the board
game Strat-O-Matic, which I played heavily in my youth, both
the baseball and football varieties. This weekend there was a
tournament for more than 60 fans of the game in Las Vegas.

Strat-O-Matic was invented by Hal Richman, out of Great Neck,
New York, who unveiled the first version in 1961. He sold 350
baseball editions that initial year and lost $2,500. Today,
millions have been sold, though Richman won’t say exactly how
many and what kind of profit he’s turned.

Yes, kids, in case you wondered what us older folks did before
video games, it was Strat-O-Matic and APBA and Sports
Illustrated board games. SI had a great decathalon game where
you could pit Rafer Johnson vs. Bill Toomey and other
combinations.

--We note the passing of former relief pitcher Paul Lindblad at
age 64. Sadly, Lindblad had been suffering from Alzheimer’s
since 1993 way too early. Paul appeared in 655 games from
1965-78 with a 68-63 record and a solid 3.29 ERA.

--We have another “Jerk of the Year” candidate already in 2006.
The Orlando Magic’s Steve Francis, who was suspended
indefinitely for refusing to enter a game when the Magic were
down 103-87 with 3:22 left. Francis has actually been a jerk for
a long time and despite Marcus Vick’s vying for the Bar Chat
Triple Crown dirtball, idiot, and jerk Francis is a sleeper
candidate to bring home some hardware of his own come year
end.

--Nothing earth shattering this weekend on the college basketball
front. Villanova’s loss to Texas wasn’t in the least bit surprising,
for example, while Duke, Florida and Pitt are the only remaining
undefeateds.

But three things stand out about the play on Saturday. West
Virginia set a Big East record by hitting 20 three-pointers in its
win over Marquette. 20 of 38! And in losing to Duke by ten, 87-
77, Clemson was 6 of 21 from the foul line. Oh yeah that’s
real good. Plus my sleeper team of the year, Miami, is finally
getting its act together as in its last two games it''s beaten #14
Maryland and #20 North Carolina.

--Wake Forest is 0-3 in ACC play. Just once, could we play a
little defense?!

--The New York Rangers retired the great Mark Messier’s #11
jersey this past week. Messier was largely responsible for
delivering the Rangers’ Stanley Cup in 1994 and was a giant in
his sport. But I loved what New York Daily News sportswriter
Mike Lupica said when asked why Messier was so popular in the
Big Apple.

“He accepted the responsibility of being a superstar.”

--Johnny Mac says I’m unfair to Michelle Wie from time to time,
and I probably am, but in this weekend’s event in Hawaii, the
Sony Open, once again Michelle tried to make a PGA Tour cut
and missed by 4, shooting 79-68. But she did have seven birdies
in the second round. The big news to me, though, is that David
Duval not only made a cut, he shot a 63 in the final round. Boy,
it would be great if he could just play some consistent golf this
year. From the top of the mountain, to the bottom, and the
struggle back up. [David Toms won the event he’s carved out
a nice career.]

--Reminder “The Sopranos” resumes in March for 12 episodes
and then picks up again next January for the final 8. Here’s a
prediction for the very last installment .Tony gets blown away
and while he’s lying there, dying, he dreams of those ducks in
the pool. A slight smile creases his face. It’s the Bar Chat
Guarantee!!!!!

--Didn’t you think Shelley Winters was already dead? Never
liked the loudmouth.

--So in this other column I do, I mentioned that NASA’s New
Horizons spacecraft, slated for launch on Tuesday, is going to
head for Pluto and beyond, including the outer reaches of what’s
known as the Kuiper Belt. Now I know more than one or two of
you were immediately thinking; is the Kuiper Belt named after
former infielder Duane Kuiper?

Alas, no, sports fans. It was named after a Dutch-American
astronomer Gerard Kuiper.

But it could have been. I just looked up Kuiper’s career record
and baseball fans know he had just 1 career homer in 3,379 at
bats. Well, there’s some amazing symmetry here because Pluto,
within the Kuiper Belt, is about a nine-year voyage and Kuiper’s
career was similar in length. Or am I making too much of this?

[Paid for by the Duane Kuiper fan club.]

--As expected, skier Bode Miller apologized for his comments on
“60 Minutes” about his partying ways.

“I want to come straight out and apologize to my family and
friends and also the people who have supported me along the
way. Obviously, the message that came through is not
something that I would promote, or that I’m about in any aspect
of my sporting career.”

And this weekend, U.S. teammate Daron Rahlves, 32, won the
downhill at Wengen, Switzerland. Rahlves is 3rd overall in the
World Cup standings and Miller is 4th. Austrian Benjamin Raich
leads. [You have to know these things, friends. Every four years
it matters.]

For example, also this weekend, Italy’s Giorgio Rocca won his
5th straight World Cup slalom race. Only three others in the
history of the sport have done this; Alberto Tomba (with the
record at 7), Ingemar Stenmark, and Marc Girardelli.

--Haile Gebrselassie set a new world record for the half marathon
on Saturday at the Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon in the Phoenix, AZ,
area. [He ran the second half .I think I have this right.] 58
minutes 55 seconds. Holy Toledo, Batman! The previous mark
was 59:16.

--NASCAR champ Tony Stewart loves to race midget cars, a fact
I’ve noted before, and this week at the Nationals he flipped and
suffered an arm injury. He’ll be fine for Daytona, but it’s
another example of why Stewart is my brother’s favorite driver.
He just loves to race.

--I have seen the first pictures of Tiger Woods’s new spread on
Florida’s Jupiter Island and it’s rather impressive. On 10-acres
of land running from the Intracoastal Waterway to the Atlantic, it
includes a 16,000-square foot, six-bedroom house (which it’s
believed he’ll tear down), two smaller guest houses (I call the
smaller one!), a beach house, two docks, separate tennis and
basketball courts, and a golf hole. The entire compound is said to
be “in the neighborhood” of $40 million. Among Tiger’s new
neighbors is Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Tiger to Elin.

--Sports Illustrated’s “Sign of the Apocalypse”:

“China won’t financially assist its top female tennis player if she
turns pro unless she guarantees a 2008 Olympic gold medal in
writing.”

--Andy Rooney turned 87 on Saturday. We can all only hope our
minds are still as sharp as his at that age. And the greatest singer
of all time turned 68 on the same day . Jack Jones. “Hey, little
girl, comb your hair, fix your makeup soon, he will open the
door .” [“Wives And Lovers” oh, it was a different time back
then .and how can you not love Jones’s “Lollipops And
Roses”?!]

--January 17, 1706. Benjamin Franklin is born. America’s first
international superstar, he loved the limelight and would be
frankly insufferable were he living in today’s media era. [I’ll try
and come up with something you haven’t already read next
time.]

Top 3 songs for the week of 1/16/65: #1 “Come See About Me”
(The Supremes) #2 “I Feel Fine” (The Beatles) #3 “Love Potion
Number Nine” (The Searchers) and #4 “Downtown” (Petula
Clark) #5 “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” (The Righteous
Brothers) #6 “Mr. Lonely” (Bobby Vinton) #8 “Goin’ Out Of
My Head” (Little Anthony & The Imperials) #9 “How Sweet It
Is To Be Loved By You” (Marvin Gaye) #10 “Keep Searchin’”
(Del Shannon) [Now I forget what #7 was .but I obviously
didn’t think it worthy. Otherwise, it’s a helluva week.]

Australian Open Quiz Answers: 1) 2005 champs – Marat Safin
and Serena Williams. 2) Andre Agassi has won four titles (1995,
2000-01, 2003). 3) Jim Courier won back-to-back in 1992-93.
4) Evonne Goolagong won three in a row, 1974-76. She also
won as Evonne Goolagong Cawley in 1977. So why isn’t that
four in a row? Because they were screwing around with the
calendar back then and there was a second Aussie Open in
between, also in 1977, and that one was won by Kerry Melville
Reid. Frankly, I’m totally confused myself. 5) The last woman
to win three in a row is Martina Hingis, 1997-99.

And with the above, sports fans, no one can say I don’t cover
tennis.

Next Bar Chat, Thursday. A little on Johnny Unitas.