08/20/2001

Golf, Baseball, and Sweets

Baseball Quiz: Name the top 15 all-time in strikeouts. [Hint: 10
of the pitchers played at least part of their career in the 60s.]
Answer below.

Hall of Shame

"Week in Review" has "Dirtball of the Year," this space has the
Bar Chat "Hall of Shame." Zimbabwe''s Robert Mugabe may have
a perennial lock on the former, but for the latter, try Dallas
Cowboys kickers coach, Steve Hoffman, who was asked by Sports
Illustrated if "street luge" was a sport.

"If golf is a sport, then I guess street luge is."

Here at Bar Chat, we don''t stand for anyone knocking golf with
such a snide remark, especially after this week''s spectacular PGA.

And concerning the PGA, yes, I, like everyone else, want Phil
Mickelson to win a major, and soon. But how can you take
anything away from what David Toms did? That is one
deserving champion. And as for the Atlanta Athletic Club, I
could watch every PGA there. What a super course, and I love
the way the holes set up for maximum drama at the end. But
that''s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Golf Tidbits

--So I''m reading Golf Digest''s current issue and there is an
interesting story on the 1999 Ryder Cup and the interaction
between the U.S. team members. You all remember how
dramatic it was, first, with captain Ben Crenshaw telling the TV
audience on Saturday that "fate" would prevail on Sunday. And
how Justin Leonard sank his dramatic putt to prove Crenshaw
right.

But what I didn''t know was the behind the scenes view of the
party that the Ryder Cup teammates and their spouses / dates
had. I have newfound respect, for example, for Tom Lehman, a
non-drinker who proceeded to do mega shots and get rather sick.
And how Payne Stewart was, of course, the life of the party. But
what I didn''t know was that Tiger Woods went to his room to go
to bed, trying to ignore the festivities. Alas, he was dragged out
by a rather wasted Steve Pate. [Another good reason to have had
Pate on the team.] Let''s hope over the past two years that Tiger
has learned to loosen up. [Actually, another little sidelight was
the fact that Tiger''s girlfriend at the time, Joanna (sadly, ex-
girlfriend), purposefully left the room door open so that Pate
could more easily roust him.] Bar Chat con-tin-ues.

--Bill Clinton says he shot 86 at St. Andrews last May. The
caddies say he shot 100. Who do you believe?

--August 22-25, Vaasa, Finland.the World Minigolf
Championship. Be there, aloha. The last time it was held was
two years ago and the winner was German Peter Zimmerman,
who had 17 holes-in-one on his way to a 19 and a 4-stroke
victory. The swinging gorilla always got me.

Baseball Tidbits

8/16/20: Cleveland shortstop Ray Chapman was hit in the head
by a fastball from the Yankees'' Carl Mays. Chapman died the
following day as a result of the skull fracture. Mays was known
to be a brushback pitcher, but this was purely an accident.
Chapman was a decent player, compiling a .278 average in 9
seasons. He was just 29. Carl Mays still went 26-11 that season,
and finished up his career with a 207-127 mark.

But part of the story is how Indians'' manager Tris Speaker
rallied his ballclub and, thanks to the late-season play of minor
league call-ups Walter "Duster" Mails and Joe Sewell (who
replaced Chapman at short), the Indians still won the pennant and
then defeated Brooklyn in the Series. Mails went 7-0 in 9 starts
(though he only had a 32-25 career mark).

8/25/22: The Cubs beat the Phillies 26-23. There were 51 hits,
23 walks, and 10 errors. No word on how long the game took.

8/21/26: But on this date, Ted Lyons of the White Sox threw a
6-0 no-hitter against Boston, and this game took all of 1 hour and
7 minutes. Yup, 67 minutes. Now for my Wall Street friends
out there, since business is a little slow right now, why don''t you
have some fun and count out 67 minutes. Then picture you could
have watched a full ballgame in that span. [Hey, it beats taking
complaints about that tech fund!] Of course, what a bummer for
the spectators who felt like drinking some beer, let alone the
vendors who earned all of 30 cents that day.

8/21/32: Cleveland''s Wes Ferrell became the 1st 20th-century
pitcher to win 20 or more games in each of his first four seasons.
9 days later he was suspended for insubordination. Ferrell would
end up his career, 193-128, but he was probably best known for
his hitting. In his career Wes clubbed 38 homers (still the record
for a pitcher) and drove in 208, while hitting .280.

8/5/38: 44-year-old Fred "Cactus" Johnson won his first Major
League game since 1923. Johnson finished his big league career
with a whopping 5-10 mark, but he won 252 minor league
contests.

8/3/40: Cincinnati backup catcher Willard Hershberger went
back to the Copley Plaza Hotel in Boston after a game and
promptly slit his throat...bleeding to death. Hershberger was
having a fine season, hitting .309, but he was despondent over
his role in a recent loss. For his 3-year career, he hit .316 with
70 RBI in 402 at bats. [No homers. Maybe that was the
problem.] But, just as in the case of the death of Ray Chapman,
the Reds pulled themselves together and proceeded to win the
World Series, beating Detroit.

And one last note, Johnny Mac and I are getting big time
discouraged at the home run barrage of the past few years, and I
also just can''t stomach the thought of Barry Bonds breaking 70.
[I wasn''t thrilled about McGwire either.] This juiced ball, juiced
player crap has to end. As J Mac related the other day, he saw
Jim Thome (admittedly a good guy) "flick" two homers to left
(the opposite field), with a swing that normally produces a
dinker. Now that blows.

Canadian Delicacies

WARNING: The following is more than a bit gross. You may
want to drop right down to "More Stuff."

The other day, the story crossed the wires that during the World
Track and Field Championships in Edmonton, pranksters stole
"fiberglass bison testicles," which were on display in town.
Well, I had to ask our own "Mr. Canada," Harry K., what the hell
this was all about. Herewith are some of Harry''s comments.
This is what goes on up north.

"Real bison testicles, or ''prairie oysters,'' are considered a
delicacy up here, at least out in Alberta where they are some kind
of test of your macho quotient. Many a cowpoke has tried the,
err, treat.

"As far as collectibles go, a friend of mine in Northwestern
Quebec used to augment his income by selling shellacked moose
turds to gullible American tourists as jewelry.

"I''ve never tried prairie oysters, but how bad can they be? I
mean, if you''ve ever tried muktuk, the Inuit delicacy. [Whale
blubber, actually. Think of biting into a really fishy-tasting
chunk of lard, for a rough idea.] Or the Northern Ontario native
delicacy of pickled beaver tail, which tastes a lot like neoprene,
only chewier.

[Again, you may want to drop down to "More Stuff."]

"Then there are beaver glands. Of course the beaver, Canada''s
national symbol, was once trapped intensively for its fur, and, as
well, for the large musk glands which.[the editor is exercising
just a bit of discretion here]...(Continuing).Castoreum, the
stuff that is extracted from the glands, was widely sought after
for use in perfumes, which may be why the French called the
stuff toilet water.

"While no one I know has ever eaten a beaver gland, castoreum
is still used in homeopathic remedies, and there is one use in
particular, for castoreum, that may change the way you think
about Dr. Pepper forever. When a soft drink can lists ''artificial
flavors'' on the list of ingredients, guess what they are referring
to? Yep, castoreum. Apparently, the substance is still widely
used as an enhancer for berry-flavored soft drinks." [Now you
know why Harry and I prefer beer.]

"And then there are cod tongues, a regional favorite in
Newfoundland, usually washed down with copious draughts of
''Screech,'' a particularly powerful Newfoundland kind of rum. I
don''t know whether they like cod tongues or only eat them as an
excuse for power-chugging Screech."

We now resume our regularly scheduled programming.

More Stuff

--So I started to read the following when I realized it was stupid
to go any further. "Rapper C-Murder, the brother of Master P,
turned himself in to police."

--Yes, Major League Baseball has become quite the sport,
worldwide. I mean, just look at who is buying baseball bats,
Kurdish militants, skinheads in Slovakia, Portuguese street
gangs, and, of course, the IRA. But as a salesman in a sporting
goods store in Belfast said recently, "Funnily enough, I don''t
know of any baseball teams (in the area)." [He nonetheless sells
10-15 a week.]

--Royals catcher Gregg Zaun, when asked the same question
Dallas''s Steve Hoffman was, "Is street luge a sport?" "It may
require some skill and cause some fatigue, but so does sitting at a
computer."

Emeril

Now I like Emeril, and from time to time I go through streaks
where I can really get into the Food Channel (before I reach for
the Stouffers), but I, like probably many of you, are wondering
what the heck the deal is with his new show, about to premiere
this fall. So I saw an article by Chuck Barney of KRT news
service and he said that the screener tapes thus far confirm the
worst fears. "The show, in which Lagasse plays himself (fairly
badly), was woefully flat and pretty much lacked the key
ingredient: laughs." Of course what do you expect from
producers Linda Bloodworth and Harry Thomason, Bill Clinton
butt boy and girl.

Top 3 songs for the week of 8/24/63: #1 "Fingertips - Part 2"
(Little Stevie Wonder) #2 "Hello Mudduh, Hello Faduh!"
(Allan Sherman.amazingly, this is still pretty funny) #3
"Candy Girl" (Four Seasons)

*I have told you all in the past how I have suicidal tendencies
anytime I hear "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," alas, I need to rank
Laura Branigan''s "Gloria" and anything by Blondie right up
there.

Baseball Quiz Answer: Top 15 strikeouts - Nolan Ryan, Steve
Carlton, Bert Blyleven, Roger Clemens, Tom Seaver, Don
Sutton, Gaylord Perry, Walter Johnson, Phil Niekro, Randy
Johnson, Fergie Jenkins, Bob Gibson, Jim Bunning, Mickey
Lolich, Cy Young. [I had to double-check Blyleven myself. He
started out in 1970.]

You had to have watched the end of the PGA to appreciate the
following, but note to Dick Enberg: Shingo Katayama was not
wearing a "spaghetti western" hat. What a moron. I would
suggest that Mr. Enberg actually watch a Clint Eastwood / Lee
Van Cleef flick from back in the Sergio Leone days. And having
once purchased my own authentic spaghetti western hat from the
great Sheppler''s western store in Wichita, KS, I know.

And speaking of Clint, this weekend I pulled out the video of
"High Plains Drifter," wherein I now ask you, the viewing
public, what were Clint''s first words in that movie?.
....................time''s up.

"Beer.and a bottle."

You''re reading Bar Chat...next one Wednesday.