[Posted Monday]
NFL Quiz: 1) Who am I? I’m one of 17 receivers to have 10,000
yards in his career? Initials: S.M. and G.C. [Two questions
here.] 2) Who holds the record for most consecutive games
played? 3) Who holds the record for most points in a season?
Answers below.
Well, it’s Labor Day and I’m doing Bar Chat. Not complaining,
mind you, just letting you know that this is going to be one helter
skelter edition…as we celebrate Bar Chat’s 500th in raucous
fashion. Actually, it’s morning and we don’t drink beer before
2:00 PM, normally, so it won’t be that raucous, just very
disorganized.
Pearl Harbor
The discovery the other day of the two-man Japanese mini-sub
about three miles outside Pearl Harbor is a huge, historical event
and got short shrift in the press, in my opinion. Now everyone
needs to change the official record concerning the start of World
War II.
It was just about a year ago that a National Geographic
sponsored expedition gave up the search (I think I have this
right). But some of the very same researchers finally found the
78-foot vessel, which proves, once and for all, that the U.S.
fired the first shots.
You see, early on the morning of December 7, 1941, Japan had a
number of subs that were plying the waters in and outside Pearl
Harbor, but while the official attack began around 7:55 AM, it
was at 3:42 AM that the actual battle started.
In the waters outside Pearl Harbor, the USS Condor, a
minesweeper, spotted the conning tower of a sub and reported it
to the USS Ward. 3 hours later the Ward identified the sub and
destroyed it with depth charges. Of this there could be no doubt
and Lieutenant William Outerbridge of the Ward sent a report to
Admiral Husband Kimmel, commander-in-chief of the Pacific
Fleet. But Kimmel had fielded all manner of false reports over
the previous weeks and he sat on this one, awaiting further
verification. This proved to be a deadly mistake. You’ve all
heard the other myriad reasons why the U.S. should have been
prepared for Pearl Harbor, but this is the most egregious, in my
mind. The Ward said they sunk an enemy craft and Kimmel did
nothing. About an hour later all hell broke loose, but lives could
have been saved if he had acted. The official record of Pearl
Harbor also never discussed the sinking of the sub.
The Admiral was relieved of his command in the aftermath of the
attack and “retired,” but since then all manner of inquiries have
been held to clear his name. I apologize that my memory is hazy
on this, but I believe it was, sort of, about a year ago. Kimmel
doesn’t deserve it.
Augusta
Well, thanks to the good folks at Augusta National Golf Club, us
golf fans will get to watch the Masters without commercial
interruption in 2003, not even the 4 minutes an hour that made it
so enjoyable in the past.
Of course the reason for this gesture is the fact that chairman
Hootie Johnson refused to be “bullied, threatened or intimidated”
into admitting women into the club, no matter how much
pressure he receives from the National Council of Women’s
Organizations. So Johnson decided to “protect” the 3 sponsors,
Citigroup, IBM and Coca-Cola from pressure by telling them he
didn’t need their help. Now, however, CBS will feel the heat for
its involvement in the telecast, though it has already said it will
go ahead.
Meanwhile, you’re probably wondering how Augusta will take
care of the $5.5 million in prize money? Who knows, though
CBS will likely pony up a fair piece of it, on top of the normal
broadcast fees, which, by the way, have always been established
with a simple handshake.
Frozen Food Alert
Yours truly is an expert on all things frozen and microwaveable,
thus I need to alert you to the fact that Gorton’s new shrimp
bowls are absolutely atrocious.
In other food news, I’m becoming quite a master chef with my
George Foreman Grill. And guys, if you don’t have one, let me
tell ya, it drives the chicks crazy…ahem…cough cough…
Elephants Rule
I don’t have a lot of details, but I saw a brief news item on
television that rampaging elephants have killed at least 22
villagers in India over the past few days. This is obviously
revenge for the mistreatment of circus animals, and, as you
know, word gets around in the animal kingdom. Carrier pigeons
and crows do the messenger work, by the way, along with some
employees at Federal Express. We wish the elephants well.
Baseball Blows
The latest agreement, that is. Did you see the drug testing part of
it? What a friggin’ joke.
Essentially, all players will be randomly tested for steroids in
2003 as a mere survey. If 5 percent or more test positive in any
survey year, mandatory random testing for illegal steroids would
then take place during the following two years…you don’t even
want to know the rest. There is no there, there. It’s a travesty,
and a big reason why I’ll remain down on the sport. The players
are juiced and the home run records, in particular, are bogus.
The revenue sharing / luxury tax parts of the deal are also a
sham. So all we can do as fans, though, is root like hell for
Minnesota and Oakland this fall, two of the lowest payroll
squads in the game.
Speaking of Oakland, after Sunday’s dramatic bottom of the
ninth victory, the A’s winning streak stands at 18, the longest
since the 1953 Yankees. And how good is Miguel Tejada? All
he has is 30 HR and 115 RBI.
Back to the agreement between the players and owners, veteran
columnist Jerry Izenberg wrote:
“Keep what happened in perspective. This was not a bush pilot
flying the mercy serum over the mountains of Alaska to save an
Eskimo village. This was baseball management saving its own
behind.”
At least this time the fans obviously had some say. Both sides
were scared of us.
Other baseball notes:
–The New York Mets went 0-for-August at home, and as of
Sunday the home winless streak was a National League record-
tying 14, matching the 1911 Boston Braves. That Braves squad
went 44-107 and was led by pitcher Buster Brown, 8-18 that
season. Brown also had a hideous career mark of 51-105, but he
did have a more than respectable 3.50 ERA. After retiring, he
went into the shoe business. The major league home winless
record is 20 set by the 1953 St. Louis Browns (54-100 that
season).
–Record we don’t want to see. Sammy Sosa (the “Juice Man”)
reaching 50 home runs for a 5th consecutive season.
–Reminder…Steve Carlton went 27-10 in 1972 for a Phillies
squad that finished 59-97 (strike shortened).
College Football Tidbits
Well, the first full week is history and this much we know:
–Notre Dame fans are pumped, following the coaching debut of
Ty Willingham. Don’t get too excited, though. That was not a
great Maryland squad.
–The state school of my home state of New Jersey, Rutgers, lost
to I-AA Villanova. Actually, they got their butt kicked, 37-19 at
home. This is potentially the worst program of any kind in the
history of collegiate athletics.
Meanwhile, I-AA Lehigh beat Div. I-A Buffalo, setting up a
thrilling game this coming weekend at Rutgers, as the Scarlet
Knights battle it out with Buffalo to see which school is the
worst in I-A. We go with Buffalo 14 Rutgers 10.
–Thank God the University of Minnesota has that NCAA
champion men’s golf team, because everything else has been a
total disaster. This weekend a football player, Brandon Hall, was
shot to death, hours after his first college game. He became
involved in a dispute between a group of players and townies at a
downtown Minneapolis bar.
–Congratulations to Duke for breaking its nation-leading losing
streak at 23 as it defeated East Carolina, 23-16.
–#16 Virginia Tech defeated #14 LSU, setting up the Game of
the Year, Marshall – Va. Tech on Sept. 12. If Marshall wins it,
they’re going all the way, baby! [Until Texas beats them in the
National title game.]
–StocksandNews’ Co-Cinderella favorite (along with Marshall),
Louisville, lost to Kentucky! C’mon. Louisville blows and is
now officially on the S&N @#$% list. We won’t discuss my
alma mater (Wake Forest), which lost to Northern Illinois. Chin
up, men.
–Actually, Wake lost primarily because we have a lousy kicking
game, but did you catch the last few minutes of Michigan –
Washington? Wow, that was college football at its best.
Michigan’s two place-kickers had blown 3 earlier field goal
attempts, but then Phillip Brabbs came through as the clock
wound down, following a nightmarish “too many men on the
field” penalty against Washington. Great, great stuff.
Something tells me Mr. Brabbs will have a good week on the
female front, know what I’m sayin’? [Just kidding…not really.]
More Football
–According to Sports Illustrated, 19,000 hotel rooms are already
booked for the 2006 Super Bowl in Detroit.
–Last week I proclaimed New York Jets owner Woody Johnson
“Dirtball of the Week” for forcing QB Vinny Testaverde to miss
practice in order to ring the closing bell at the New York Stock
Exchange. Well, this week, Johnson made amends by signing
Curtis Martin and Wayne Chrebet to long-term contracts, a very
popular move among us Jets fans. So we hereby select Woody
Johnson as Bar Chat’s “Man of the Week.” Both plaques are in
the mail.
Golf Bit
Congratulations to 40-year-old Gene Sauers who won his first
PGA event in 13 years this weekend at the Air Canada
tournament in Vancouver. And how about the money that
Robert Allenby, Steve Lowery and Fred Funk have racked up the
past month or so? A guy named Tiger Woods also had a pretty
good stretch.
Stuff
–Jeff Gordon captured his 60th NASCAR victory at Darlington,
and is now in 2nd place in the Winston Cup point standings,
behind Sterling Marlin. [Mark Martin is third.]
–Michael Schumacher won his record 10th Formula One event of
the year.
–Vibraphone superstar Lionel Hampton passed away at age 94.
Hampton was an institution in New York. Discovered by Louis
Armstrong back in 1930, Lionel was also the first black jazz
artist to play in a white quartet when Benny Goodman hired him.
Plus, he was a lifelong Republican, sports fans! Ya gotta love
that, at least half of you.
–Typhoon Rusa dumped 36 inches of rain on parts of South
Korea this weekend. The death toll could exceed 100.
–New Jersey legislators are attempting to ban the Chinese
snakehead, that fish that can walk on its fins. The problem is that
the snakehead not only tastes good, it’s rapidly becoming a
favorite of aquarium lovers.
Now here’s the issue as I see it. Folks will get a snakehead for
their own amusement, but then one night, the snakehead will
simply walk out, find a stream, and proceed to devour everything
in it. So we hope the legislature is successful in passing a bill
that would limit the potential damage. Unfortunately, it’s
probably already too late. Snakeheads also need to be part of any
homeland security initiatives. And be careful getting the
morning paper. They tend to wrap themselves in it.
–So did you watch “Sex in the City” Sunday? If you didn’t, too
bad, because you won’t understand when I say…do you think
Starbucks was thrilled by the reference to them?
–Speaking of Starbucks, Harry K. explained to me why Tim
Hortons has superior coffee. Tims uses “only Blue Mountain
beans from the west side of the mountain, picked in the dead of
night by left-handed natives, then steamed using special water
from Perrier, while including only skimmed milk from organic,
free-range, non-genetically engineered cows.”
Plus, as Harry put it. “I hate it when you ask the dimwit at
Starbucks for a regular coffee and he looks at you like you’re
beneath contempt. I usually just glare at them like I’ve already
had so much caffeine that I’m buzzing like a cheap TV and ready
to go postal.”
Beer Notes
[Sign at Moe’s Tavern]
“Everyone believes in something. I believe I’ll have another
drink.”
[From “Cheers”]
Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Alright, but stop me at one…make that one-thirty.
Sam: What’s new, Norm?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach and
they’re demanding beer.
[And thanks to Harry K. for this oldie but goodie, courtesy of
Cliff Clavin.]
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter
after a few beers.”
Top 3 songs for the week of 9/2/72: 31 “Alone Again
(Naturally) (Gilbert O’Sullivan…one of the most depressing
tunes of all time) #2 “Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)
(The Hollies…I like ‘em short, not long…the dress that is.) #3
“I’m Still In Love With You” (Al Green)
–Isn’t that a riot about Michael Jackson and the MTV Video
Music Awards? In case you missed it, Jackson thought Britney
Spears was presenting him with the “Artist of the Millennium”
award, when she casually mentioned that he was the artist of the
millennium in introducing him. Said Jackson upon receiving
what he thought was something special.
“When I was a little boy in Indiana, if someone had told me that
one day I’d be getting the Artist of the Millennium award, I
wouldn’t have believed it. I can’t believe it.”
Ah, Michael, there is no such award. Even the little boys knew
that.
NFL Quiz Answers: 1) 10,000 yards receiving: S.M. – Stanley
Morgan…10,716 (#14 all time), G.C. – Gary Clark…10,856
(#13). 2) Jim Marshall holds the record for most consecutive
games played, 282. 3) Paul Hornung holds the record for most
points scored in a season…176 in 1960. [15 TD, 41 PAT, 15 FG]
Bar Chat…the beginning
So why did your editor start Bar Chat? Well, I was just setting
up a web site for “Week in Review” when I thought, hey, I’ll
throw this in to draw traffic! Of course this was back in the days
when traffic was supposed to matter. Alas, it really doesn’t.
Well, those early editions were truly pitiful, as are the current
ones, but before I get all misty-eyed, there are a few people I’d
like to thank for being an inspiration and constant source of
support.
Todie Fields, Senor Wences, Jonathan Winters, Frankie Valli,
Brian Wilson, Dave Clark, the Ozark Mountain Daredevils,
Dolly Parton, Jenna Jameson, Sophia Loren, Peggy Fleming,
Lynne Cheney, Ronald Reagan, George Washington, Winston
Churchill, Wilt Chamberlain, Gale Sayers, Jim Brown, Joe
Namath, Emerson Boozer, Homer Jones, Jean Ratelle, Rod
Gilbert and Vic Hadfield (“The GAG Line”), Eddie Giacomin,
Yvan Cournoyer, Jean Beliveau, Muhammad Ali, Oscar
Bonavena, Earnie Shavers, Dan Gurney, Mark Donohue, Fireball
Roberts, Richard Petty, Casey Stengel, Mickey Mantle, Willie
Mays, Willie McCovey, Bill Mazeroski, Vernon Law, Bob
Veale, Tom Seaver, Rod Griffin, Tim Duncan, Arnold Palmer,
Curtis Strange, Jay Haas, Scott Hoch, Lanny Wadkins, Seamus
(best man I ever met in Ireland), Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris,
John Stallworth, Jack Lambert, Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon,
Robert Bork, Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, Shakira, Emeril,
Willie Wilson, marauding elephants, ravenous sharks, Godzilla,
Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Billingsley, Beaver, Tony Dow, Eddie
Haskell, Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, John Belushi, the gang at
“Cheers”, Jerry Seinfeld, Ed Sullivan, John, Paul, George and
Ringo, Milton Berle, Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Walt “Clyde”
Frazier, Michael Johnson, Professors Steintragger, McDowell
and Reinhardt (for putting up with me at Wake Forest…all
advisors of mine…RIP), the Zombies, Earth Wind & Fire, and
Tommie Agee.
Also, special thanks to Harry Koza and Johnny McCarthy for
helping me with material. Now everyone over to my place for
premium lager!
Next Bar Chat, Thursday.
