Baseball Quiz: 1) Name the top three all-time in pinch-hits
entering the 2003 season. 2) Name the top 3 all-time in games
played. [Hint: All played post-1950.] 3) Who is the only pitcher
to have 20 seasons with 200 or more innings pitched? 4) What
player stole home 50 times? Answers below.
Spiders and Snakes
So, you want to know what Branson, Missouri is like? Hey, I
had a pretty cool time. It’s always been on my list, for various
reasons, and I’m glad I went.
Branson is one giant strip with 15 varieties of Country Kitchen,
every fast food joint imaginable, lots of steak places, some
Mexican joints, a few Chinese offerings, 300 souvenir shops,
outlet malls, bars (though not as many as I wanted), and about 25
theatres.
For starters, though, I have to apologize to those of you who are
Branson fanatics. Last chat I said the place was full of washed
up country music stars. That’s not necessarily true. Case in
point, Jim Stafford
Stafford, star of the 70s and early 80s, and singer of the hit
“Spiders and Snakes,” has been playing Branson for 14 years. I
mean to tell ya, his show is laugh out loud funny. Even the very
reserved couple I was sitting next to was guffawing by the end.
Stafford is still just 59 and it’s a shame that he isn’t more of a
major star in the mass media sense. Then again, he’s raking it in,
grossing at least $20,000 a night (before paying the band, theater
operators and expenses), 6-8 shows a week, 40 or so weeks a
year. To me, if you’re passing through the Branson area you
have to stay at least one night to catch his act.
I also saw Charley Pride, Country Music Entertainer of the Year
back in 1971, and the first black to make it big in Nashville (the
only one). He has to be in his early 60s, I guess, but he can still
sing and it was another enjoyable evening.
But after watching Pride, I went out for a nightcap and met a guy
who has run a kitchen in Branson for 10 years and he gave me
the lowdown, though I didn’t need to be reminded. The town
only has a few good acts and the rest are contrived, like these
revue shows of the 50s and 70s that you wouldn’t catch me going
to, or acts like “The Duttons.” Who are the Duttons? Beats the
hell out of me, but they built a theatre and pass themselves off as
this famous family act. You know, grandpa and his kids and
their kids. Oh, how cute. But why would you ever go see them?
I was supposed to see Roy Clark, but was misled on his
performance dates, so I had to see a guy named Doug Gabriel
instead. Maybe I should know who he is, but I wanted to see
Roy Clark!!! Anyway, Gabriel had his 9:30 AM show, if you
can believe it, and he’s an alright musician, plus his wife is pretty
hot, but I was bored to tears. So after that one I headed to the
IMAX and caught “Lewis and Clark.” Now there’s some
entertainment. Take the kids to see this. It will help them with
their schoolwork, too, as next year is the 200th anniversary of the
launch of the expedition. Hell, I didn’t know that only one man
in the whole party died in the roughly two years they were out
exploring.
But back to the Gabriel show, I was sitting next to this couple
from Cleveland. I should have mentioned earlier that everyone
visiting Branson is either from Ohio, Indiana, Nebraska,
Minnesota, Kansas, Arkansas, Texas or Oklahoma. In other
words, simply good old folks. [And the average age is about 70.]
So the woman asked me if I had watched “American Idol.” I
told her just a little, which was basically the truth since I only
caught the last show.
“Who did you vote for?” she asked.
“Ruben,” I replied.
“Aagh! How could you? Honey, he voted for Ruben!”
I thought it was going to get violent. She went on to tell me how
she voted 50 times for Clay before getting the busy signal. At
the end of the Gabriel show the woman didn’t even say goodbye,
she was so upset with me.
Anyway, back to the Stafford show, at intermission they had a
video camera showing the audience up on a big screen and
suddenly, “Hey, that’s Gallagher!” [Gallagher is the ‘comedian’
whose act is built around smashing watermelons.] Gallagher
took off his cap to show everyone it was really him, but it was
curious that he wasn’t introduced by Stafford, who may not have
known he was there, nor should he have cared, actually.
So the next day I’m at an outlet store (great shopping in Branson,
I must say) and the clerk asked me where I was from. One thing
led to another and I told him I loved Jim Stafford’s show when
this kid blurts out, “Guess who was in our store earlier today?
Gallagher.” No kidding, I mused. [You have to understand,
folks, there is nothing more to this story .this is Branson and I
promise this is the last time I mention this goofball.]
Well, I did learn some other things this week. I discovered
which joints serve Shiner Bock beer, Shiner being my favorite
brew in America, as I can sniff ‘em out like the best beerhound
this side of Dublin. And I also received further confirmation that
a good way to start a conversation when you’re a stranger in a
town like this is to say, “Do you have bears around here?”
Yup, when in doubt, fall back on nature. This fellow who I met
after the Pride concert was shocked that my home state of New
Jersey has 3,000 black bears. They have a few in the Ozarks, I
was told, but not nearly that many, though Wednesday morning
as I was leaving town I heard on the radio that one had been
spotted nearby crossing a highway. And you know, before the
night was over I was introduced to a guy who had just come back
from a fishing trip on the Amazon and some of the tales he had
of the wicked fish in that river (piranhas are nothing) were rather
entertaining. Alas, it was kind of like the old Roger Miller tune
in the end, “6 rounds bought, and I bought five.”
Would I return to Branson? Probably not anytime soon; I have
to see the new Country Music Hall of Fame and the D-Day
Museum in New Orleans first, you understand, but it was a real
touch of Americana and, boy, you never saw a group of more
patriotic folks in your life. George Bush would receive 95% of
the vote among the tourists here.
George Orwell
He was born Eric Arthur Blair in India on June 25, 1903, the
family moved to England, he changed his name and went on to
become one of the great novelists and essayists in history. Best
known for “Animal Farm” (1945) and “1984” (1949), I went
through my various quote books and came up with the following
as representative of Orwell’s work.
Following World War II, Orwell noted, “Since about 1930, the
world has given no reason for optimism whatsoever. Nothing in
sight except a welter of lies, cruelty, hatred, and ignorance.”
“Totalitarianism probably demands a disbelief in the very
existence of objective truth.”
Writing in “Homage to Catalonia,” a tale of his experience in the
Spanish Civil War, he said “History stopped in 1936,” meaning
that propaganda had taken its place. [“Dark Valley,” Piers
Brendon]
“To the ordinary working man, the sort you would meet in any
pub on Saturday night, Socialism does not mean much more than
better wages and shorter hours and nobody bossing you about.”
–The Road to Wigan Pier
“Probably the battle of Waterloo ‘was’ won on the playing-fields
of Eton, but the opening battles of all subsequent wars have been
lost there.”
“Man is the only creature that consumes without producing.”
–Animal Farm
“All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than
others.”
–Animal Farm
“Big Brother is watching you.”
–1984
“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.”
–1984
“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on
a human face – forever.”
–1984
“War is evil, but it is often the lesser evil.”
–Animal Farm [I think. I forgot to jot down the source.]
“War is war. The only good human is a dead one.”
–Animal Farm
“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the
present controls the past.”
–1984
“At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.”
–Last words in his manuscript notebook before he died.
Stuff
–In a recent interview, 13-year-old golfer Michelle Wie was
asked
“What’s your long-term plan? Play on the PGA Tour?”
“Yeah, play on the PGA Tour full time. And play in the
Masters.”
Wie is in another LPGA tournament this week.
–Mike Weir is the PGA Tour’s leading money winner thus far in
’03. Tiger is 4th, behind Davis Love III and Jim Furyk. But
guess who is 10th? 49-year-old Jay Haas. Pretty amazing stuff, I
think you’d agree.
–Get this. From USA Today comes word that for lending their
voices to the coming “Shrek 2,” Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy and
Cameron Diaz will be paid $10 million each! And they could
pick up a $5 million bonus on top of that if the picture does well
at the box office. All that for just 15-20 hours of work over
several years.
–Driving through Kansas on Wednesday, I heard a great line
from a new country tune (but didn’t catch the artist).
“Long neck bottle let go of my hand.”
Actually, I was driving up Highway 13 from Branson back to
Kansas City and for you readers in this general area I thought the
town of Clinton looked pretty nice (forgetting the name, of
course). Here at StocksandNews, I’m always looking for a place
in the Midwest that I may settle down in some day. But I got so
engrossed in the place that I missed my turn onto Highway 7. 10
miles later, “Where the hell am I?”
“Long neck bottle let go of my hand.”
–Incredibly, Barry Bonds claims he wasn’t aware of the fact that
he had just achieved a huge milestone when he stole his 500th
career base the other night. This means Bonds has both 500
homers (currently over 600) and 500 stolen bases. No one in
baseball history has even 400 / 400, nor will anyone in our
lifetime hit the latter, let alone 500 / 500. Bonds is such an ass,
though, that he had to lie about knowing of the feat, just because
he’s Barry.
–Congratulations to Rice University and the school’s first team
NCAA championship as the Owls defeated Stanford in the
College World Series. For a school with just 2,700 undergrad,
along with a stellar academic reputation, this is worthy of high
praise, and so I reach for another long neck.
–Hey Dan D. in Honolulu. You didn’t tell me about the big
problem at Waikiki with the jellyfish. You’re falling down on
the job, my friend. I expect a full report shortly. [200
humanoids were stung. We live for this stuff, after all.]
–Right after I left Kansas City for Branson last Sunday, a tractor
trailer slid off an interstate exit ramp in K.C., depositing 520 bee
hives, each one containing up to 50,000 bees. And wouldn’t you
know it, a trailer park was nearby. The driver of the rig wasn’t
hurt and before the rescue folks got to the scene, the first person
to stop by and give aid asked, “What’s in the crates?” “Bees,”
said the driver. “I have to go,” she replied.
–Rapper Lil’ Kim is one of the great idiots of our time. She had
a carryon bag with $500,000 in jewelry that was mistakenly
checked through the other day at Kennedy Airport. When the
bag was tracked down, $250,000 worth of the gems had been
taken. Then again, maybe it’s an insurance scam, knowing her
past.
–The ACC digs itself deeper and deeper with this stupid ploy to
expand the league. Now the conference has offered invitations to
Miami and Virginia Tech, only, thereby excluding Boston
College and Syracuse. Commissioner John Swofford has
botched this whole deal big time. The suits are flying. Off with
his head!
–The above was just a figurative expression, you understand.
Also, my friend Arnie Fardvarkle said I can no longer use his
name in anything concerning the ACC, since he still does work
himself for the conference.
–Goodness, gracious. Did you see the man in Nebraska who
found a cantaloupe-sized hailstone in his yard? It’s the largest
ever recorded there.
Top 3 songs for the week of 6/29/63: #1 “Sukiyaki” (Kyu
Sakamoto yup, this was really #1 and it’s an OK song, no,
seriously) #2 “It’s My Party” (Lesley Gore always bears
repeating, incredibly underrated singer) #3 “Hello Stranger”
(Barbara Lewis)
–Charley Pride mentioned he had just spoken to Johnny Cash.
Doesn’t sound like Johnny is doin’ real good, with June’s
passing and all. It’s amazing the love that all the country stars
have for him.
Baseball Quiz Answers: 1) Career pinch-hits entering 2003:
Lenny Harris 173, Manny Mota 150, Smoky Burgess 145.
[Greg Gross is #4 with 143.] 2) Games played: Pete Rose
3,562, Carl Yastrzemski 3,308, Hank Aaron 3,298. 3) Don
Sutton is the only pitcher to have 20 seasons of 200-innings
pitched. Phil Niekro and Cy Young are next at 19. You realize,
sports fans, I just gave you a surefire winner at your local
watering hole. 4) Ty Cobb stole home 50 times.
Next Bar Chat, Tuesday.
