**Update 1/3…Roger Clemens tells Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes”
that he uses “Lidocaine and B-12. It”s for my joints, and B-12 I
still take today.” For the record, your editor still quaffs premium
beer when he”s had a good week in the markets.
**Update 1/1…I just have to congratulate the NHL for the game
today, outdoors, in Buffalo…73,000 in attendance. I watched
more hockey with this one than I have in years. The NHL would
be nuts not to try this every New Year”s. Great show!
NCAA Football Quiz (last one…hope you enjoyed them): 1)
Who was Syracuse’s coach when they won their national title in
1959? 2) What lone back holds the single game, single season
and career rushing marks at Syracuse? 3) Who quarterbacked
Tennessee’s 1998 national title squad? 4) Who is Texas’ career
rushing leader? 5) Who were the two leading running backs on
Texas’ 1969 national title squad, initials J.B. and S.W.? Answers
below.
NFL Playoffs
Sat. Jan. 5
5. Jacksonville at 4. Pittsburgh, 8:00
6. Washington at 3. Seattle, 4:30
Sun. Jan. 6
6. Tennessee at 3. San Diego, 4:30
5. New York at 4. Tampa Bay, 1:00
Byes: 1. Dallas…2. Green Bay; 1. New England…2. Indianapolis
*Drat! Weather forecast for Pittsburgh is temps in the 40s.
—
Pats 38…Giants 35
For the archives, not only did New England become the first
team since the 1972 Dolphins to finish a season unbeaten, but
Tom Brady and Randy Moss set single-season records for
touchdown passes, 50, and TD receptions, 23; besting the marks
of Peyton Manning (49 in 2004) and Jerry Rice (22 in a 12-game
strike-marred season in 1987). The Pats also set a team record
with 582 points for the season, topping the Vikings’ total of 556
in 1998.
But can New England win the next three? I’ll say no.
Actually, I picked San Diego to win it all this year and have to
stick with that. I saved Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated’s picks and he
had New Orleans defeating San Diego in the Super Bowl….
ahem. He also had the Pats going 12-4, the Packers 6-10, Dallas
9-7 and New Orleans 12-4.
The Ice Bowl: December 31, 1967
It was minus 13 degrees, with a 15-mph wind as the Packers took
on the Dallas Cowboys for the NFL title in Green Bay. The
Packers went up 14-0 on the strength of two Bart Starr to Boyd
Dowler TD passes of 8- and 46-yards. The Cowboys’ Willie
Townes then drilled Starr, who fumbled, and Dallas DE George
Andrie rumbled in from 7 yards out for the score to make it 14-7.
Then Cowboy kicker Danny Villanueva kicked a 21-yarder to cut
the lead to 14-10, Green Bay, at half.
As the weather got progressively worse in the second half, the
score remained 14-10 until the first play of the 4th quarter, when
Cowboy halfback Dan Reeves threw a 50-yard scoring pass on
the option to wide receiver Lance Rentzel. Dallas led 17-14.
Finally, Green Bay took over on their own 32-yard line with 4:50
left in the game. As they drove towards the historic winning
touchdown, Packer fullback Chuck Mercein* contributed two
huge plays; a 19-yard pickup on a short pass and an 8-yard run
inside the Cowboy five. Then on 3rd down and goal from the
one-yard line, quarterback Starr snuck in over the blocking of
guard Jerry Kramer and center Ken Bowman with just 13
seconds left. The Packers won 21-17 in one of the great contests
of any sport.
*Mercein had all of 56 yards rushing and just one reception
during the entire regular season for the Packers.
Tiger Attack
There was a very logical explanation for the incident at the San
Francisco Zoo the other day. Bar Chat has developed an
exclusive link between the attack and a discovery in China a few
days earlier.
From the South China Morning Post and Reuters:
“Two Siberian baby tigers have been discovered dead in a
refrigerator at a Chinese zoo, the second such incident in less
than a week involving the endangered species in a country where
tiger body parts are treasured as medicines.”
It gets worse.
“The discovery comes days after a Siberian tiger was found
skinned and beheaded at a zoo in the same area.”
Yes, word traveled fast and the San Francisco tiger, Tatiana,
found out from her contacts in Chinatown. It was then just a
matter of time before she sought revenge on behalf of her people,
err, fellow tigers.
Enter the three idiots who it is now clear taunted Tatiana, who
then leaped to freedom, but instead met her own tragic end. It’s
also apparent that the two brothers who survived “were more
concerned with their car in the parking lot and that it would be
okay” than with the condition of the victim, Carlos Sousa,
according to a report in the New York Daily News.
Of course we also learned the day after that the wall wasn’t 18
feet high, as we were initially told, but only 12 feet. So my
brother said he is taking a measuring stick with him next time he
goes to the zoo, while I suggested bringing along a gazelle to
throw into the tiger exhibit as a diversionary tactic in case there
is any question of safety.
Stuff
–Roger Clemens’ lawyer, Rusty Hardin, has launched an
investigation into the allegations in the Mitchell report as we all
prepare for Roger’s “60 Minutes” creampuff interview with
Mike Wallace, Yankees fan. Of course the rest of us schleps
have a pretty simple question. Why, when asked by Sen.
Mitchell to do so, did Clemens refuse to talk if he’s so innocent?
Rusty Hardin said, “To our surprise, we have identified several
people who logic dictates the Mitchell team should have talked
to but did not. That’s troubling. We are asking questions and we
encourage the news media to do the same.”
But as the New York Daily News’ Mike Lupica writes:
“It is the (Floyd) Landis defense, just with more money behind it
because Clemens has more, the way he was always looking for
more. Next he’ll be telling us he just thought McNamee was
giving him B-12 shots. Then it would turn into the Palmeiro
defense.
“ ‘I did not use steroids and human growth hormone,’ Clemens
says, ‘and I have never done so.’”
“He will put the Mitchell report on trial as much as he will do
that to Brian McNamee. He will begin to explain with Mike
Wallace why McNamee would tell the truth about Andy Pettitte
with feds in the room and then turn around – even with the threat
of perjury in the room along with those feds – and lie about
Clemens.
“But for what? Clemens and his handlers will say McNamee
used to say that he’d never given me steroids, so why does he
change his story for George Mitchell? It will be the heart of the
Clemens/Landis defense. McNamee is as flawed as a human
being as the testing procedures were flawed with the Tour de
France.
“Nobody is going to defend McNamee’s honor or character here.
Nobody defended Jose Canseco’s honor or character when he
was accusing ballplayers of using steroids and human growth
hormone all over the place. But Canseco turned out to be telling
more of a truth about steroids in baseball than anybody
around….
“(At) least there was some accountability from Pettitte. There
has been none so far with Clemens, just a public relations
campaign. Like Floyd Landis’. But for the last time:
“How did it work out for Floyd?”
Meanwhile, Brian McNamee has been forced to beef up his own
legal team.
–I loved this little tale from a friend of mine, Father Bill, that
appeared in his Christmas letter.
“I had a great time with friends in the Cayman Islands in March.
I got to know a fish we named George. George was a grouper
who lived under the dock where my friends were staying in the
Islands. Each day I would put on my snorkel mask and flippers
and dive under the dock where George would come up and
welcome me to his world. One day a large fish – someone
thought it was a barracuda – swam by me. George took off like a
shot and chased that barracuda out of sight. George was
protecting thousands of small, multicolored fish that lived under
the dock – beauty I never could have imagined.”
Sounds like George, as a representative of all groupers, is
suddenly a candidate for the top ten All-Species List.
–So I watched “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” for the first
time in what must have been at least 15 years and suffice it to say
it’s not aging nearly as well as “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
What bugged the hell out of me about Rudolph is that when he
hooks up with Clarisse, the doe, prior to his jumping school, she
asks why he sounds so stuffed up. Of course Rudolph’s a-hole
father, Donder, put that big black thing on to hide his shiny red
nose, but then when the black thing falls off, Rudolph still
sounds the same! Wassup with dat?
Great cartoon by Paul Trap in Baseball America concerning
Donder, by the way. Santa is reading the Mitchell report and is
startled to see Donder’s name. You know, when you weigh all
the evidence, such as his treatment of his own son, it’s probably
true.
–From Reuters: “An elephant toppled out of a truck and killed a
circus worker in Australia on Thursday, police said. ‘The man
was killed, crushed to death, while the elephant was being
offloaded from a truck,’ a spokeswoman for the police
department added.”
This is why when I see elephants being offloaded, I always stand
a safe distance away.
–Can you believe Kentucky is 5-6 in basketball? Goodness
gracious. Their fans must be going absolutely crazy.
–Very nice win by my Deacs against UConn in the bowl game
Saturday. 20 wins for Little Ol’ Wake Forest in the last two
years. As Ronald Reagan said….not bad, not bad at all.
–We just have to note an idiot before our formal awards down
below; that being Virginia Tech running back Branden Ore, who
will miss the first quarter of the Orange Bowl because he was 45
minutes late to practice.
–UCLA hired compliance nightmare Rick Neuheisel to be its
next football coach.
–Best new commercial…for Dos Equis; “Stay thirsty, my
friends.”
–The world’s oldest orangutan died, 55-year-old Nonja of the
Miami zoo. A typical lifespan for a Sumatran orangutan is 40 to
50 years.
–For you golf junkies, I took a look at the final tour stats and
was curious about driving distances. So here is the average drive
for the 50th longest hitter on each.
LPGA…242.6 yards
Champions…269.9
PGA…294.7
Nationwide…296.9 [mildly surprised by this last one]
And I forgot to mention an historic event from about four weeks
ago involving the great Bob Charles, now 71. Charles, the 1963
British Open winner and the first left-hander to win a major, was
granted a special invitation to play in the PGA European Tour’s
New Zealand Open. Charles, though, had to be talked into
accepting it.
So what did he go out and do? He made the cut!
Shooting 75-68-71-70, Charles tied for 23rd, ten off the winning
score of England’s Richard Finch, who in turn won his first
European Tour title.
Charles thus became the oldest man to make a cut on a major
non-seniors tour, besting the PGA Tour record held by Sam
Snead, who at age 67 made the cut at the 1979 Westchester
Classic.
–Scientists have concluded that giant waves can be created by
the simplest change in wind direction. As noted by the London
Times’ Lewis Smith, “Three years ago satellite images
pinpointed by the European Space Agency provided solid
evidence of the existence of rogue waves but the cause remained
a mystery. Researchers have now discovered that freak waves
can occur not only in water but also in light, which is ruled by
similar mathematical laws….
“Little more than a decade ago, freak waves were regarded by
science as nothing more than exaggeration by sailors, but in 1995
measurements taken as the Draupner oil platform in the North
Sea was hit by a wave showed that there was real substance to
the tales.”
Researcher Daniel Solli adds: “For centuries, seafarers have told
tales of giant waves that can appear without warning on the high
seas. These mountainous waves were said to be capable of
destroying a vessel or swallowing it beneath the surface, and then
disappearing without the slightest trace.”
Lewis Smith notes: “More than 200 cargo ships at least 200
meters long have disappeared at sea in the past 20 years and
rogue waves are thought to have been responsible for at least
some of these losses. Peter Newton, the chief officer of a
container ship that in 1989 survived being struck by a 25-meter
wave in the Great Australian Bight, recalled in 2004: ‘That wave
still gives me nightmares. I can still see it coming. It came out
of nowhere; we could see it from two miles away. There was
nothing we could do about it.’”
–Phil Taylor of Sports Illustrated is going with LSU 30, Ohio
State 17. I’ll say LSU 20, Ohio State 7.
–It might be fun to catch a little of the Buffalo Sabres-Pittsburgh
Penguins game on New Year’s Day, 1:00 pm on NBC. The
game is being played outdoors in Ralph Wilson Stadium and
75,000 are expected to attend. 75,000! [Dress warm if you’re
going.]
–Trader George asked me if a prediction for ’08 was whether or
not the Knicks could lose 70 games, which means they’d have to
go 4-51 the rest of the way. Anything’s possible with this group,
I told him.
–In a survey for Fitness magazine, one in four women said they
would gladly spend a week behind bars to reach their ideal
weight. And 50% would rather lose 20 pounds than live to be
100. Hell, I don’t know if I want to live to be 100 either, unless I
have to wait that long to see the Mets and Jets win another title.
–Very sad, tragic tale involving former Yankee Jim Leyritz, who
blew through a red light at 3:00 a.m. on Thursday night down in
Florida and proceeded to kill a young mother. Out celebrating
his 44th birthday, Leyritz was drunk and charged with
manslaughter.
–Jazz great Oscar Peterson died at the age of 82. Imagine, this
pianist played with Louis Armstrong, Count Basie, Charley
Parker, Nat King Cole, Stan Getz, Dizzy Gillespie and Ella
Fitzgerald.
Born into poverty in Montreal on Aug. 15, 1925, Peterson grew
up learning the trumpet and piano, but after contracting
tuberculosis at 7, his father persuaded Oscar to concentrate on
the keyboards. Then at 14 he won a talent contest sponsored by
the CBC and dropped out of school so he could focus on his
music.
–We note the passing of longtime Los Angeles sportscaster Stu
Nahan. You might recall that he appeared in “Fast Times at
Ridgemont High,” interviewing Jeff Spicoli in his dream
sequence.
–And I’m sorry to announce the death of former New York Met
Jim Beauchamp. Over parts of 10 seasons in the big leagues,
Beauchamp only had 661 official at bats, hitting .231 with 14
homers and 90 RBI. But I loved seeing him come off the bench
for the Metsies. This guy had some phenomenal minor league
seasons, if I recall, but, alas, couldn’t get it going in the majors.
Jim Beauchamp died of leukemia at the age of 68.
Top 3 songs for the week 12/25/76: #1 “Tonight’s The Night”
(Rod Stewart) #2 “You Don’t Have To Be A Star” (Marilyn
McCoo & Billy Davis, Jr.) #3 “The Rubberband Man”
(Spinners)…and…#4 “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” (Leo
Sayer) #5 “More Than A Feeling” (Boston) #6 “Sorry Seems
To Be The Hardest Word” (Elton John) #7 “I Wish” (Stevie
Wonder) #8 “Dazz” (Brick) #9 “Car Wash” (Rose Royce) #10
“After The Lovin’” (Engelbert Humperdinck)
And now….our special Bar Chat awards for 2007. Once again
we’d like to thank Pamela Anderson, Ben Affleck and Maya
Angelou for agreeing to host despite their busy schedules. I’d
also like to thank Long John Silver’s for catering the event.
But before we begin, just a reminder. There is a difference
between an ‘idiot’ and a ‘jerk.’
According to Webster’s, an idiot is “an ignorant person; foolish
or stupid.” A jerk, on the other hand, is “annoyingly stupid or
foolish.”
To me a jerk is fully aware of what they are doing, while an idiot
lacks some of the basics. As for “dirtball,” there has to be some
malicious intent in the behavior.
Idiots:
Jonathan Papelbon, Red Sox closer, for losing the ball that he
threw to strike out Colorado’s Seth Smith for the last out of the
World Series. In fact Papelbon said his dog ate it. “[Boss, the
bull dog] plays with baseballs like they are his toys. He likes
rawhide. He tore that thing to pieces.” So like where the heck
was Papelbon keeping this treasure? On the freakin’ floor?!
The parents of a six-year-old Chinese girl who allowed the kid to
pose for a photograph with a tiger at a zoo in southwest China.
The tiger “was startled by camera flashes and pulled the girl’s
head into its mouth, state media said.”
Prince William for breaking up with Kate Middleton, though he
later wised up.
Stephon Marbury, who gets a lifetime achievement award for
just all-around idiotic behavior and statements.
Dolphin linebacker Channing Crowder, for the following
statement before the team’s game in London: “I couldn’t find
London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries
…I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a
boot…I know London Fletcher…He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not
from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”
But our “Idiot of the Year” award goes to Matt Wilkinson of
Portland, Oregon, who one day grabbed a 20-inch rattler off a
highway, then three weeks later, “in a show of daring for a
former girlfriend…stuck the snake in his mouth. Near death with
a tongue swollen to the point it spilled out of his mouth and
blocked his throat,” he was rushed to the emergency room.
Doctors saved him.
Jerks:
Florida Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen, who at 23 is building up
quite a resume. This year he was arrested on charges of drunk
driving and then proceeded to get into a fight with police
officers. A few days earlier, Olsen had gotten into a fight with a
teammate.
Golfer Jacqueline Gagne, who claims to have made at least 16
holes-in-one this year (as of October). Dubious; very, very
dubious, as various studies, including by Golf Digest and the
Wall Street Journal revealed.
A 40-year-old Bronx man, who was arrested at Shea Stadium for
trying to blind Atlanta Braves players with a high-power
flashlight.
Paris Hilton, for not paying an $8 tab for drinks at a Sydney
establishment last New Year’s, while forking over $2,200 for
stockings and jewelry earlier that day.
Alec Baldwin, for leaving the following message on his 11-year-
old daughter’s answering machine. “You are a rude, thoughtless
little pig…You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human
being.”
But the “Terrell Owens Jerk of the Year” award goes to former
Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino, who after his team fell to
3-10, announced his resignation and then the next day accepted
the job of coaching Arkansas. Petrino thus represents all the
jerks in the coaching profession. The New York Times’ William
Rhoden wrote:
“This was a variation of the same lie, of deceit, but more cold
blooded. A trust was broken. The culprit was not a player, who,
by definition, is single-minded and self-absorbed. This was
‘Coach’ the person, much like a shepherd, who is entrusted with
the well-being of a group. The players follow the coach into
weekly battles, give their all, fight through adversity only to find,
in this case, that they are being led off a cliff while the coach
saves himself.”
The day before Petrino resigned, Arthur Blank, the Falcons’
owner, said Petrino looked him in the eye, shook his hand and
said he was the coach.
As for Blank, by all accounts a real good guy, he deserves far
better than the crap he’s been taking.
Dirtballs:
Rutgers University professor William C. Dowling, who said of
the school’s football program, “If you were giving the
scholarship to an intellectually brilliant kid who happens to play
a sport, that’s fine. But they give it to functional illiterates who
can’t read a cereal box, and they make him spend 50 hours a
week on physical skills. That’s not opportunity. If you want to
give financial help to minorities, go find the ones who are at the
library after school.” Dowling’s comments were called “racist”
by school officials.
Greg Norman, for stealing Chris Evert away from husband Andy
Mill. Mill said, “These two people have really meant a lot to me
for a long time,” as he attempted to put a brave face on an awful
situation. Mill, after all, had introduced the two and soon after
Evert split.
Wrestling’s Vince McMahon earns a lifetime achievement award
for being an enabler on the steroid front, while NBA referee Tim
Donaghy clearly deserves mention for the gambling scandal.
But the “Dave Bliss / Dirtball of the Year” trophy goes to Barry
Bonds, for a fourth time, for desecrating the sport of baseball in
besting Hank Aaron’s record, and, of course, Michael Vick.
Bill Maher, in Rolling Stone magazine, said the following of the
quarterback:
“Stop saying what he did is a cultural thing, just one of those
things black folks are known for, like jazz. He’s not one of the
Scottsboro boys, he electrocuted dogs.”
[I’m holding back on Roger Clemens because we can carry him
into 2008.]
“Dirtball Franchise of the Year”? It’s not even close. My New
York Mets for jacking up ticket prices 20 percent following the
team’s historic collapse. The Mets will have a terrible season in
’08, too, though this will provide lots of fodder for yours truly.
This year, though, we have a few “Good Guy” awards to pass
out.
Such as for Dean Richardson, the doctor who tried to save
Barbaro. As Andrew Beyer wrote in the Washington Post:
“Dean Richardson was everything that a human patient could
want from his own doctor – capable, honest, realistic,
compassionate and totally dedicated.”
The Philadelphia Phillies get a “Good Guy” award for helping
out with the tarp at Coors Field during a hairy moment as a
freakish storm hit. The home team Colorado Rockies, though,
retired to the clubhouse and thus pick up an honorable mention
for “Dirtball Franchise.”
But the “Good Guy” trophy for ’08 goes to golfer Mark
Calcavecchia, whose caddie, Eric Larson, is a special story
himself. When Calcavecchia won the PODS Championship in
March, his 13th career title, Larson was on the bag, after spending
nearly 11 years in prison for dealing drugs. The two have been
friends for more than 20 years and during Larson’s time away,
Calc was the only person who regularly visited him in prison,
promising that he would give him another chance when he got
out. Calc stayed true to his word.
And I have to hand out a special “Hero of the Year” award to the
park rangers in Congo, who are doing all they can to save the
precious mountain gorillas from poachers and a renewed civil
war. It frustrates the hell out of me that the UN can’t put
together a force to help them out. What does this say about the
human race to just let the gorillas die out?
But now the moment you’ve been waiting for…the “Animal of
the Year.” I was all set to award rescue dogs for a fourth time
because of incidents such as when Shiloh shepherd Gandalf
picked up the scent of 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry,
who had gone missing in the mountains of North Carolina, thus
saving him. Or when Velvet, a black Labrador mix, played a
critical role in the rescue of three climbers on Mount Hood.
However, on Saturday I saw this article in the South China
Morning Post.
“For more than a year guard dogs bred from wolves have
watched over a colony of tiny penguins on an island off
Australia’s southern coast that had been decimated by foxes.
“As the killings stopped, and numbers recovered from six
towards triple figures, the radical experiment was hailed a
stunning success. But a spate of deaths has once again put the
future of the Little Penguins – the world’s smallest – in doubt.
“Autopsies revealed internal bleeding, and their much-loved
four-legged friends are the prime suspects.
“Last week, conservationists reluctantly removed the white
Maremma sheepdogs from Middle Island.”
Now it’s very complicated. Researchers are not blaming the
dogs, but rather humans who have illegally trespassed on the
island. As one ranger said, they noticed the dogs were becoming
more friendly, finding items such as stuffed toys.
“And we thought, ‘Oh no.’ These dogs are going to end up
wanting to play, and if they get a sense of play that’s really bad
news for the birds. It looks like the dogs were trying to play and
the penguins obviously weren’t capable. They probably died
from fright and were bitten on the bum in an effort by the dogs to
keep playing. There was no issue with viciousness at all.”
Well, after a lot of soul-searching, and after weighing all the
evidence, I have decided dogs once again win the “Animal of the
Year” hardware…a giant milk bone slathered in steak juice.
[Honorable mention goes to the bottlenose dolphins who formed
a protective ring around surfer Todd Endris after he had been
attacked by a great white shark, allowing Endris to reach shore
where quick first aid provided by a friend saved his life. As
reader Bob S. wrote at the time, “Dolphins are moving up the
ladder, closing in on yaks and dogs.” Very true, my friend.]
NCAA Football Quiz Answers: 1) Ben Schwartzwalder coached
Syracuse to its national title in 1959. 2) Joe Morris, 1978-81,
holds Syracuse’s single game, season and career rushing marks;
the last one being 4,299 yards. Of course the ‘Cuse also has had
the likes of Larry Csonka, Floyd Little, Ernie Davis and Jim
Brown in the backfield. Brown, incidentally, never rushed for
1,000 yards in a season, though in 1954-55 it was an 8-game
schedule with just 9 games in ’56, when he rushed for 986 yards
on 158 carries. He was also known as ‘Jimmy’ Brown in those
days. 3) Tee Martin quarterbacked Tennessee’s 1998 national
title squad. 4) Ricky Williams, 1995-98, is Texas’ career rushing
leader with 6,279 yards on 1,011 carries. Cedric Benson is 2nd
with 5,540 yards, followed by Earl Campbell with 4,443. 5) Jim
Bertelsen and fullback Steve Worster led Texas’ ground attack in
1969 with 740 and 649 yards, respectively. James Street was the
QB in the wishbone attack.
Next Bar Chat, Jan. 7. The holidays falling on Tuesday this
year screwed up the routine here. I’ll get back to my normal
schedule next week.
