[Posted Sunday PM]
British Open Quiz: Something for every skill level. 1) Short-
term memory check. Who won the British Open in 2003 and
2004? 2) Who is the only golfer to win six? [Think waaaay
back.] 3) In 1960, this fellow with the initials K.N. prevailed
over runner-up Arnold Palmer. 4) Between 1979 and 1988, what
two won three Opens apiece? 5) Who won in 1981, initials
B.R.? Answers below.
Oooh Baby!
Natalie Gulbis! Ohhh noooooooooooo…………….
I have never watched more of a regular LPGA tour event than I
did on Sunday and it was because of one Natalie Gulbis. Guys
know what I’m talking about. Natalie almost pulled it off but
lost on the third hole of sudden death at the Jamie Farr Classic to
Mi Hyun Kim.
Here’s the deal, for those of you who are wondering what the
heck I’m talking about. Natalie Gulbis is Playmate of the Year
material, as everyone who has seen her would agree. She also
happens to have a ton of talent as she has come close more than
once this year to winning her first event.
I never thought I’d say this, but the LPGA, with Michelle Wie,
Natalie, and Paula Creamer, in particular, easily has a chance of
eclipsing the PGA Tour in terms of ratings, let’s say,
realistically, 5 to 10 events each year.
I mean earlier in the day I watched (briefly) John Senden capture
his first win at the John Deere and I was like, yawn. In fact, I’ve
mentioned earlier that I’m yawning quite a bit this year. I love
watching golf, but I’ve blown off more action than the past
because so often there aren’t any names at the top of the
leaderboard. And next year it will be worse with the new format
they’ve come up with. At least that’s my opinion. [The PGA
would vehemently disagree with me.]
So the women, especially the gorgeous ones, have a chance to
capture the eyes on Saturdays and Sundays.
Sexist? Absolutely. Am I right? Absolutely.
I mean I have a choice. I can watch J.L. Lewis, J.P Hayes and J.J.
Henry and try and remember who is who, let alone give a damn,
or I could watch Natalie Gulbis, Paula Creamer and Michelle
Wie, with at least one of them almost every week being in
contention.
So to the women of the golfing world I say…SEIZE THE DAY!
I’ll have more on the topic below.
Nuthin’ But Stuff
–Barry Bonds should be indicted on Thursday. His former best
friend, Steve Hoskins, has turned against him and the BALCO
grand jury, whose term is set to expire that day, has heard all the
evidence from Hoskins and former girlfriend Kimberly Bell that
Bonds evaded taxes on his memorabilia sales. Hoskins was
asked by Bonds to act as currier in passing cash from the sales to
Bell and Hoskins kept meticulous records of the transactions.
Plus, Bonds will be charged with perjury. At least that is the
hope around here, that’s for sure.
[Bonds’s attorney denies all of the above…and Dirtball Barry
clubbed #721 on Sunday. Drat!]
Meanwhile, Jose Canseco supposedly supplied Major League
Baseball with more names of players who use steroids. He
hasn’t been wrong yet.
–I’ll tell you what I just don’t get….the reaction in France to
Zinedine Zidane and his headbutt.
Check this out. Carlos Ghosn, CEO of Renault and Nissan, was
at the World Cup Final and in not reproaching him said, “If
Zizou kept his temper, he would not be the genius that he is.”
Ghosn’s a jerk. [I’m revising earlier remarks made elsewhere on
this site that he was a “refreshing” CEO. We all get it wrong
now and then.] Also, after watching him do a CNBC interview
with Maria Bartiromo, I wouldn’t trust Ghosn for a second. This
is a slimeball.
Zidane, incidentally, was named the Most Popular Frenchman of
All-Time in a 2004 nationwide survey. What about Jean-Claude
Killy? Now there’s a guy to emulate.
And now the French people have forgiven our odds-on “Dirtball
of the Year” candidate, unless Bonds kills someone. So I ask
again, what am I missing?
For a different angle I turn to Tom Dart of the London Times.
In commenting on Zidane’s television interview with CanalPlus:
“His deportment radiated quiet self-assurance. He referred to
being ‘ten minutes away from ending my career’ – rather than,
say, from winning the World Cup. He explained that he chipped
his early penalty because he wanted to do something special,
since it was the final. Most players would simply think about
scoring, never mind pondering issues of artistic merit….
“Even before Zidane talked, France declined to milk its
scapegoat. During a couple of days of ambivalence, with the
nation vacillating between the urge to condemn and to
comprehend and trying to decide just how much Zidane’s
sending-off has tarnished his legacy, regret, rather than anger,
was the dominant emotion.
“ ‘The main feeling is sadness, because we all wanted the final to
be a great jubilee for such a great player,’ Camille Lapierre, a
Parisian said yesterday.
“While effigies of David Beckham were strung up in England
eight years after the former England captain was sent off against
Argentina, France has plumped for gallows humor.
“ ‘It must be infuriating for the Italians to see the world more
interested in Zidane’s head than in their victory. If only for that,
thanks Zizou!’ one fan wrote in Liberation’s online forum.”
While Zidane’s act has been compared to Mike Tyson chomping
on Evander Holyfield’s ear; that was nowhere near the stage
Zidane was on.
But for a gauge of how Americans would react to something
approaching Zizou’s move, I guess we can look to Bode Miller.
Show me one American who condoned his performance at the
Winter Olympics…………………………..……time’s up. Both
Miller and Zidane have one thing in common. They put self
before country.
–Sports Illustrated had a blurb on our new poet laureate, Donald
Hall, who also happens to be quite a baseball fan. In fact, Hall
and former Pittsburgh Pirates hurler Dock Ellis combined on the
book “Dock Ellis in the Country of Baseball.” As it turns out,
however, Hall left out one of Dock’s best stories. Years later,
though, Hall fills us in, as told to SI’s Charles Hirshberg.
“The Pirates came into San Diego, and Dock went up to Los
Angeles, where he knew, um, a lady. And he and this lady both
took some acid that night. The next day Dock woke up and took
some more. He’d forgotten there was a doubleheader and that he
was pitching in the second game. So he drove down to San
Diego, walked into the clubhouse and hollered, ‘Pills! I need
pills.’ Someone stuffed a bunch in his hand, and he took them
all, though he had no idea what they were. Then he went out and
threw a no-hitter. True story. It’s not in the first edition because,
by that time, Dock was pitching for George Steinbrenner, who
could not, I thought, have approved. But it’s in the second
edition.”
[June 20, 1970….I thought Ellis threw it in the first game, but no
matter.]
–Well, this is kind of tragic. Here in New Jersey, we have this
amusement place called Wild West City (never been there)
where they stage a gunfight for the 20 or so folks who happen to
have nothing else to do that day but hit this place.
So this week, it turns out that one of the guys, Scott Harris, is
struck in the head with a real bullet and at last word was still in
critical condition and in a coma.
The problem is no one knows who fired it! The actors have a
mishmash of guns, some use their own, others are owned by the
park, and obviously they are supposed to be using blanks.
But as of this moment there is also a slim chance an audience
member fired it.
All I know is this is a lay-up for “CSI: New Jersey.”
–Pamela Anderson says she’s really a soccer mom these days.
“I go to every game!” I imagine there are quite a few dads in
attendance, don’t you think?
— I would like to take this opportunity to revise and extend my
remarks from the other day when I said there are no celebrities
who look good in a bikini. Jessica Simpson does look pretty
good. Mrs. Soccer Mom would qualify as well.
–Phoebe Cates just turned 43. Ah, yes, “Fast Times at
Ridgemont High.” Right, guys?….Guys?…….[I shouldn’t have
said that…my male audience is now scanning the Net.]
–So I was wondering what the deal was with “Curb Your
Enthusiasm” and it turns out creator Larry David just hasn’t been
inspired lately. HBO officials, however, assure us fans there will
be 10 episodes sometime in 2007. I may have to cancel my
subscription following “Deadwood” and go on hiatus for a while
because we’ve also just learned that the final eight episodes of
“The Sopranos” now won’t be shown until next March because
of some knee surgery that James Gandolfini had.
Boy, this sucks. And my other favorite, “Rome,” probably won’t
air until January, plus it’s curtains for that one after this next
season. Ergo, some of us could easily just drop HBO from like
September to January.
–Ed Carpenter is a racer on the Indy Car circuit and the other
day he commented about Danica Patrick.
“I think Danica’s pretty aggressive in our cars. I mean, you
know especially if you catch her at the right time of the month,
she might be trading plenty of paint out there.”
Carpenter later told the AP he meant no disrespect. For her part,
Patrick took it well. “It’s pretty funny to me….Ed is a really nice
guy.” My opinion of Danica just increased another sixteen-fold,
to a rating of 46 on a scale of 1 to 10.
–OK, can’t hide this absolutely awful story out of Britain that
came to light over the weekend.
According to the London Times (if you missed “Week in
Review,” I know it’s “The Times” but I call it the London Times
to differentiate it from The New York Times), David Smith has
been used by greyhound owners to dispose of their racing dogs;
10,000 of them over the last 15 years. I won’t tell you how he
kills them but he’s been using the same one-acre plot for burial
all this time.
“It takes me about three years to get across there and by the time
I get there I can start back here again and there are only a few
bones left.”
Mr. Smith is suddenly a “Dirtball of the Year” candidate, though
at the same time he is being paid by the greyhound owners to do
this, so it’s not like he was necessarily the guilty party. The
British government is in an uproar.
I never understood greyhound racing in the first place. I
wouldn’t be caught dead watching this dumb spectacle. For
starters, trying to look at it rationally, how the hell do you bet on
these animals? And if you thought horse racing was fixed, you
just know this “sport” is in spades.
I will continue to go to an occasional horse race, which I think is
great fun, but greyhound racing should be shut down. Put it in
the category of cockfighting.
–The Sunday Times Magazine has an interview by Deborah
Solomon with Jane Goodall, the chimp expert.
When asked about the fact Diane Fossey worked with gorillas,
Goodall said, “Compared to chimps, gorillas are totally boring.
They spend huge amounts of the day just lolling about eating.”
Good point. I’ve never found that when I’m at the zoo I can
engage gorillas in any kind of conversation. They do just sit
there, contemplating god knows what. OK, so they’re probably
thinking, “Who is that a-hole who writes this column about us?”
Chimps, on the other hand, are constantly plotting against
humans, witness the ones in Sierra Leone that launched that
uprising against their sanctuary keepers this spring.
Frankly, if given a choice of trying to survive an afternoon
watching a football game with a gorilla or a chimp, I’m thinking
I have a better chance sitting down with a gorilla.
“You take a lime with your Corona? Is that a yes or no?”
–We have a lot of fun with beer around here, but you’re all
expected to act responsibly when imbibing. I don’t need the
lawsuits.
That said, Pete Coors has now put himself up for “Jerk of the
Year” for getting caught driving under the influence as the result
of a May 28 traffic incident that only now has come to light.
Coors had his license taken away.
But I’ll be the first one to admit I’ll get behind the wheel after
having one or two at dinner and I just have to note that Mr.
Coors’ blood alcohol level was 0.073 (a second test showed
0.088). In Colorado, 0.05 is driving while impaired, while 0.08
is under the influence. Most of us would blow a 0.05 after just
one beer. Just stating what is probably on all of your minds.
–This is sad. A bug called the hemlock woolly adelgid is
poisoning the hemlock trees of Appalachia. This is a teeny, tiny
pest that literally floats on the breeze and the only way to attack
it is through carpet-bombing of chemicals, or introducing
monitor lizards which could kill a few thousand people in the
process.
[Actually, I have absolutely no idea about the use of monitor
lizards for this purpose, but I offer it up to the park service
anyway.]
–Here’s a real estate item concerning my favorite Wall Streeter,
Sandy Weill. Mr. Weill, according to the New York Times, sold
his 14 East 90th St., Manhattan penthouse for $10.5 million. The
buyer was Elizabeth Sackler, of the Elizabeth A. Sackler Center
for Feminist Art, “where Judy Chicago’s ‘Dinner Party’ will be
displayed.”
C’mon, Judy Chicago? That’s the woman’s real name? Tell me
she’s married to Nathan Detroit.
As for Ms. Sackler, she’s known to buy Indian ritual masks at
auction and then return them to the appropriate tribes. The
Indians then turn around and sell them for beer money.
–I think I can lose my International Web Site Association license
over that last remark.
–Ripped from the pages of Parade Magazine! Walter Scott’s
Celebrity Parade, specifically.
Q: Comic David Brenner, 61, is dating Tai Babilonia, the former
Olympic figure skater. What drew them together?
A: Laughter. “I was on a humorless dinner date in L.A. when I
heard gales of laughter at another table,” says Tai, 46. “I
thought, ‘That’s what’s missing in my life.’ So, I went over to
introduce myself to David.”
Well, StocksandNews’ lone microphone (it’s leased, actually)
recorded the scene when Tai met Brenner. Brenner seized the
opportunity.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side?”
“Right! Ha!”
“Ha ha ha ha! You’re so funny, David!!!!”
“I know I am!!!!! Want to go out with me?!”
“I’d love to! Ha ha ha ha…I can’t stop laughing! You got a
kleenex!”
–As reported by Chris Mannix of Sports Illustrated.
“Michael Jordan can’t buy a gallon of milk or fill his gas tank
without being recognized. Allen Heckard says he knows how
MJ feels. Heckard, 51, a shuttle-bus driver at the Portland
airport, claims he is also recognized wherever he goes – though
people think he’s Michael Jordan, not Allen Heckard. ‘I get
people stopping me two or three times a day,’ says Heckard, who
with his shaved head, goatee, gold earring and footwear (Air
Jordans) bears a passing resemblance to His Airness. ‘Enough is
enough. I can’t take it anymore.’”
So last week Heckard filed a civil suit against Jordan and Nike
chairman Phil Knight, claiming he is owed $832 million for 15
years of harassment by a public that mistakes him for the real
MJ.
While Heckard doesn’t expect to win, he claims “It’s not about
the money. A man has to have principles to stand on. If any
money comes my way, great. If not, well, you can’t miss what
you never had.”
I’ll tell you what, Mr. Heckard. You have just become an “Idiot
of the Year” candidate. How does that sound?
–Harry K. notes that regardless of how much Maria Sharapova
grunts and moans on the court, it sure is nice to look at the
current crop of Russian women playing tennis compared to the
linebackers we viewed in the Soviet era. Good point, Harry.
Home version of “Bar Chat: The Game” on its way.
[Oops, sorry….still haven’t gotten around to making it. But I’m
thinking it’s kind of like “Candy Land.” You know, something
very simple where no matter what square you land on, you have
to take a sip or two. Designated drivers, of course!]
–Well, Michelle Wie’s latest effort to make the cut of a men’s
PGA event went south real fast. After shooting an opening
round 77 that left her next to last, Wie had to quit in the middle
of her second round because she was suffering from nausea,
dizzy spells and breathing problems.
I feel sorry for her. The tourney was in Illinois and the heat has
been brutal; simple heat exhaustion, in fact. Nonetheless, she’s
now 0 for 5 in her quest to become the first woman since 1945 to
make a PGA Tour cut.
–Uh oh….Jaime Diaz wrote the following for GolfWorld prior
to Wie’s effort at the John Deere Classic, in urging Wie to
forsake men’s events, forever.
“It comes down to biology. In the history of big-time
professional sports, top-level women have never been able to
compete with top-level men. In any sport that empirically
measures speed, strength or jumping – such as track and field or
swimming – men outperform women. When women have
attempted to play with men in team sports, such as Ann Meyers
and Lynette Woodard in professional basketball, the results only
made the case for biology stronger. Pending are the fortunes of
Kelly Kulick, the 29-year-old bowler who last month qualified
for the PBA Tour.”
OK. A few thoughts of my own. Bowling is a fun sport. Back
in high school, we’d go out and gamble on it and last year during
a mini-high school reunion, a bunch of us had fun bowling while
quaffing more than a few beers.
But if Kelly Kulick does well, and great for her if that proves to
be the case, that’s not really breaking any historic ground in my
book.
Jaime Diaz, though, risks becoming another Jimmy the Greek,
and unnecessarily so. I’ll tell you where women have the best
shot of besting men…the marathon. I’d have to go back through
my archives but I know I’ve pointed out on more than one
occasion the huge strides women have made in making up time
against men the past two decades. Some woman will come along
and in a major marathon have a better time than a man. I’d say
in ten years.
As for Wie, I told you a while back I’ve changed on this one. If
a PGA Tour sponsor wants to give her an exemption, what the
hell. But Wie in no way should be given special exemptions for
women’s majors. With her performance in her initial events,
though, this last issue is proving to be mute.
–Did you see it hit 117 (air temp) in Pierre, South Dakota on
Saturday? 117! Goodness gracious. The glaciers there melted
in literally an hour.
–Back to getting sick, the New York Mets Pedro Martinez took
advantage of the All-Star break to head home to the Dominican
Republic. Boy, that’s stupid. Pedro then got a severe case of
food poisoning from some chicken he ate.
Wouldn’t that just take the cake. My Mets, who, yes, I did pick
to win it all (but under penalty of death I’m not allowed to gloat
until November), could see their chances go up in smoke as
Pedro spreads bird flu to his teammates.
–Terrell Owens has a new autobiography, “T.O.” In it he says
an unnamed Eagles offensive coach “asked me to be very
positive and supportive of Donovan (McNabb)” because
McNabb “can get nervous and tight in big games.”
I can’t stand T.O., but that’s certainly the truth about McNabb.
–Red Buttons died. When I was a kid, I always got him
confused with Red Skelton. Except Skelton was funny and
Buttons wasn’t.
Fellow comedian Norm Crosby told The Los Angeles Times, in
commenting on Buttons’ regular gig on “The Dean Martin
Celebrity Roast,” “He made a whole career out of one routine: ‘I
never had a dinner.’ It was just brilliant. He kept coming up
with new lines all the time.”
In case you forgot, it went like this.
“Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!
Venus de Milo, whose mother once said, ‘I never hear from you.
What’s the matter? Can’t pick up a phone?’ – never had a
dinner….”
That’s not funny. [Overall, the Dean Martin videos of the roasts
are entertaining, especially after six beers.]
Buttons, born Aaron Chwatt in New York City, had a quick star
turn on “The Red Buttons Show” in 1952, but as his ratings went
south he fired 163 writers…163…including the likes of Larry
Gelbart and Neil Simon, in trying to come up with a winning
formula.
And so for this we posthumously give Red Buttons a “Lifetime
Jerk” award.
[Reader Jeff B. wrote me this week, “I don’t envy the position
you’re in. There are just far too many jerks, idiots and dirtballs
out there.” You got that right, old friend. It’s a very stressful
position to be in, but this is one way for me to give back to a
society that has generally treated me well.]
–I forgot to note the other day that as part of the All-Star Game
festivities, Major League Baseball auctioned off a baseball that
Babe Ruth had hit for a home run in the first official All-Star
contest, 1933. It went for $805,000!
But in Barron’s, Christian Garvin writes of the high price of
memorabilia in general these days, no doubt fueled to a great
extent by the wealth accumulated on Wall Street.
Here’s an interesting one, though. In 1961, an AP photographer,
Harry Harris, was summoned by Joe DiMaggio to take a picture
of Joe D. and Marilyn Monroe. The two were divorced at the
time but attempting a reconciliation.
So after snapping the photo, both DiMaggio and Monroe agreed
to sign a baseball for Harris that he just so happened to have in
his trunk. There’s a picture of the ball in Barron’s and it’s as
cool as you’d hope it would be….and Harris’ estate sold it in
May of this year to an anonymous collector for $191,200.
You know, with a freakin’ Gustav Klimt painting going for $135
million the other day, I really think this particular baseball is
worth a million, don’t you?
Christian Garvin also describes a particularly important photo
that recently sold at auction for $89,000.
“While lots of folks can pull old bubble-gum cards out of
shoeboxes in their attics, (big buyers these days) are usually after
pieces with a story to tell. For instance, the 1911 Addie Joss Day
Panoramic Photograph from the Frank ‘Home Run’ Baker
Collection appears, at first glance, to be nothing more than a
grainy old snapshot. But to those who understand the historical
significance – the only surviving photo of what later became the
All-Star Game – it’s a treasure. Using new technology, the
elongated image captured nine future Hall of Famers, including
Cy Young, Walter Johnson and (Ty) Cobb, who came by rail
from all over to Cleveland to honor pitcher Joss.”
Now that’s cool. Personally, I still haven’t found anyone to give
me $5,000 for my Lew Alcindor rookie card. [The year with
those extra long NBA cards, for those of you who collected
them.]
–So I’m at Virgin Records in NYC the other day and found a
DVD of The Brothers Johnson titled “Strawberry Letter 23” from
a 2003 outdoor concert in Oakland. While the sound quality
isn’t the greatest (what outdoor concerts are?), it’s just a lot of
fun for fans of these guys. Louis and George Johnson were two
of the kings of funk in the 70s and it’s also a reminder of the kind
of good clean fun back then compared to the rap crap of today.
So try and find it, my fellow 40-somethings. You’ll get a kick
out of it.
–Regarding my reference to Syd Barrett and Pink Floyd, Harry
K. tells me he saw them at Maple Leaf Gardens in 1973 as part
of their “Dark Side of the Moon Tour.” Yes, it was downhill for
the band after that. Personally, if you think “The Wall” was a
great tune, we’d have to have a beer-drinking contest or
somethin’ to settle the dispute.
[Harry is listening to a lot of Drive-By Truckers these days. His
recommendations are always different.]
Top 3 songs for the week of 7/19/75: #1 “Listen To What The
Man Said” (Wings) #2 “The Hustle” (Van McCoy) #3 “I’m Not
In Love” (10cc)…and…#4 “One Of These Nights” (Eagles) #5
“Please Mr. Please” (Olivia Newton-John) #6 “Magic” (Pilot…
Oh, oh, oh, it’s magic!) #7 “Swearin’ To God” (Frankie Valli)
#8 “Love Will Keep Us Together” (Captain & Tennille) #9
“Jive Talkin’” (Bee Gees…tarnishes this list) #10 “Rockin’
Chair” (Gwen McCrae…having trouble remembering this
one…must be the Red Stripe Beer I bought)
British Open Quiz Answers: 1) Ben Curtis won in 2003; Todd
Hamilton in 2004. 2) Harry Vardon won six; 1896, ‘98, ‘99,
1903, ‘11, ‘14. 3) Kel Nagle won in 1960. 4) Seve Ballesteros
(1979, ’84, ’88) and Tom Watson (1980, ’82, ’83) each won
three from 1979-88. Watson won two others in 1975 and 1977.
5) Bill Rogers won in 1981.
Next Bar Chat, Thursday.
And a note. I say Bar Chat is posted Tuesday and as with my
other columns in almost all cases it’s the day before. Sometimes,
though, with Bar Chat it will be Sunday. I just need the
flexibility in case I’m traveling; I know you understand. I also
need to carve out a few hours of free time now and then, having
to focus on wars and all these days as well. Not that I write that
other lengthy column, mind you. It’s my evil twin, Vlad Editor.
