CRIKEY!…..STEVE IRWIN…DEAD…
[complete coverage next bar chat…posted Tues. 5 pm ET]
NFL Quiz: Name the top ten scorers in NFL history. [Hints:
Two apiece have first names beginning with M, N, J, and G. A
ninth has the same name as a Baseball Hall of Famer, while the
tenth has won a lot of money on the celebrity golf tour.] Answer
below.
[Time to catch up]
Stuff
–While I was in Ireland the story broke that five villagers in
northeastern India had been accused of being witches. All five
were then hacked to death bringing the toll of people killed after
being fingered for sorcery there to 10.
But as if that’s not bad enough, Paul Raffaele writes in the
September issue of Smithsonian about his trip to Indonesian New
Guinea and his quest to meet the Korowai tribe, among the last
people on earth to practice cannibalism.
Now I’ve done a lot of traveling in my life, and I’m about to do a
lot more over the coming months, but this is not on my list.
Raffaele and his guide, Kornelius Kembaren, took their canoe for
the last stage of their journey on the Ndeiram Kabur River,
accompanied by four paddlers.
Raffaele writes:
“Some clans are said to fear those of us with pale skin, and
Kembaren says many Korowai have never laid eyes on a white
person. They call outsiders laleo (“ghost-demons”).
“Suddenly, screams erupt from around the bend. Moments later,
I see a throng of naked men brandishing bows and arrows on the
riverbank. Kembaren murmurs to the boatmen to stop paddling.
‘They’re ordering us to come to their side of the river,’ he
whispers to me. ‘It looks bad, but we can’t escape. They’d
quickly catch us if we tried.’”
Well, the tribesmen paddled up to them and Raffaele and his
crew followed their instructions.
The Korowai live in high treehouses in an area where Michael
Rockefeller, a son of then-governor Nelson Rockefeller, had
disappeared from without a trace in 1961 while collecting
artifacts from another Papuan tribe.
Some Korowai are said to eat “male witches they call khakhua.”
Raffaele:
“Entering the Korowai rain forest is like stepping into a giant
watery cave. With the bright sun overhead I breathe easily, but
as the porters push through the undergrowth, the tree canopy’s
dense weave plunges the world into a verdant gloom. The heat is
stifling and the air drips with humidity. This is the haunt of giant
spiders, killer snakes and lethal microbes. High in the canopy,
parrots screech as I follow the porters along a barely visible track
winding around rain-soaked trees and primeval palms….The
annual rainfall here is around 200 inches, making it one of the
wettest places on earth.”
Raffaele keeps asking himself, “What the hell am I doing here?”
He should’ve checked with me first.
It turns out that few of the Korowai reach middle age as they
have no medicines to combat the jungle diseases or cure battle
wounds. They also have to deal with the khakhua complex.
“The Korowai have no knowledge of the deadly germs that infest
their jungles, and so believe that mysterious deaths must be
caused by khakhua, or witches who take on the form of men.”
So why do the Korowai kill and eat their own?
“It’s because of the khakhua, which comes disguised as a relative
or friend of a person he wants to kill. ‘The khakhua eats the
victim’s insides while he sleeps,’ explains a Korowai, ‘replacing
them with fireplace ash so the victim does not know he’s being
eaten. [Oh, I’d know…THAT’S FOR SURE!] The khakhua
finally kills the person by shooting a magical arrow into his
heart.’ When a clan member dies, his or her male relatives and
friends seize and kill the khakhua. ‘Usually, the [dying] victim
whispers to his relatives the name of the man he knows is the
khakhua. He may be from the same or another treehouse.’”
But the Korowai would tell you they aren’t eating humans, only
khakhua.
Raffaele obviously made it out alive, himself.
And that, sports fans, is your cannibal update.
–My official NFL title pick will be released next week. In the
meantime I’m officially saying the Jets will finish 1-15, while
Mark R. and Trader George have penciled the Browns in for
2-14.
–I met a number of Steeler fans in Ireland and didn’t realize how
bad things were for Coach Bill Cowher on the home front. So,
yes, it appears this is his last season as he tries to save his
marriage. [Wife and kids have already moved to Charlotte, if I
have the story right.]
–What a comeback. It would appear Cincinnati Bengals
quarterback Carson Palmer is going to start the season opener
despite the fact he suffered a devastating knee injury at the end
of last year.
–Many of us in New York are waiting for Alex Rodriguez to
totally snap as his latest slump continues. I expect him to have a
nervous breakdown in about three weeks, after which he jumps
off a bridge but is miraculously saved by a homeless person
putting up a tent on the river bank.
–World Golf Rankings…this is pretty remarkable.
1. Tiger…22.23
2. Phil Mickelson…8.92
3. Jim Furyk…8.18
4. Vijay Singh…7.28
5. Adam Scott…6.48
6. Retief Goosen…6.35
7. Ernie Els…5.93
Ya think Tiger is comfortably in front?
–For golf junkies only…there is already major rumbling about
the 2008 schedule as the brilliant PGA has scheduled its Tour
Championship the week before the ’08 Ryder Cup at Valhalla
(Louisville). Potential Ryder Cup captain Paul Azinger told
GolfWeek, “That shows you a prime example of the ignorance
and lack of consideration.” [Another reason to love Zinger.]
–GolfWorld had a table of Tiger vs. his playing partner in the
last round of the 12 majors he’s won.
1997 Masters…Tiger 69…opponent 75
1999 PGA…Tiger 72…80
2000 U.S. …Tiger 67…72
2000 British…Tiger 69…75
2000 PGA…Tiger 67…66 (Bob May)
2001 Masters…Tiger 68…70
2002 Masters…Tiger 71…74
2002 U.S. …Tiger 72…74
2005 Masters…Tiger 71…68 (Chris DiMarco)
2005 British…Tiger 70…74
2006 British…Tiger 67…73
2006 PGA…Tiger 68…74
*May and DiMarco then went down in playoffs.
–In winning his fourth straight at Firestone last weekend, Tiger
is already up to 52 PGA Tour wins, tied with Byron Nelson.
Only Arnie (62), Hogan (64), Nicklaus (73) and Snead (82)
remain ahead of him.
Further, if you include his tie for second at the Western Open, in
his last five tournaments Tiger is 81 under par and has earned
$5,166,000.
Oh yeah…once he gets married his game is going to hell.
–Greg Norman: “That’s a bunch of bulls—t, as far as I’m
concerned. Don’t stick your head in the sand.”
[On the PGA Tour’s lack of a drug policy.]
–GolfWorld’s Ron Sirak commented that golfers should not be
interviewed before their rounds. Hear hear! Geezuz, some of the
interviews at the PGA were beyond moronic. Let the guys just
keep their routines and practice. Then again, Tiger refuses to do
them and look where he is.
–Congratulations to our own Dr. Bortrum for parring all four
par-3s at Warrenbrook golf club the other day. Not bad for a 78-
year-old. But in the report he submitted to yours truly, he is
calling it 3.5 pars (plus another on a par-4) because he was given
an 18-inch putt for par and “like an idiot, after everyone had
putted out I put the ball down and missed the putt!”
Well, I’ve played many a round with the good doctor and when
someone gives you a putt…pick the thing up!
Just another life lesson learned for Dr. B.
[As for his final score…I’ll let him discuss that in his own
column. Truth is he played a lot better than I have recently.]
–Sign of the Apocalypse:
Sports Illustrated came out with its first pre-season ranking for
high school football. Now I can understand why USA Today
does it on a weekly basis, but as a good sports and football fan I
couldn’t give a damn about knowing this crap before the season
starts.
Anyway, assuming one or two of you are now curious…
1. Hoover (Ala.)
2. Lakeland (Fla.)
3. Oaks Christian (Westlake Village, Calif. …once sold a strip
mall / tax shelter there…hope those who invested in it aren’t
readers)
4. Warren Central (Indianapolis)
5. Carroll (Southlake, Texas)
–Back in 1994 former Russian President Boris Yeltsin stopped at
Shannon Airport in Ireland to meet with Ireland’s prime minister.
But Yeltsin never got off the plane because he was drunk.
Needless to say it was a rather embarrassing moment.
So a few weeks ago Yeltsin, now 75, returned for the first time
since that low-point in his career for a little fishing off the Irish
coast. Yeltsin can evidently still party with the best of them as it
was reported Boris and his entourage “drained 3 liters of
Jameson’s Irish Whiskey,” according to the chef at the hotel
where he was staying.
–Wake Forest is still a 15-point favorite to defeat Syracuse in its
opener this Saturday. Assuming we win I’ll put us down for 4-8
on the season.
I’ve said it every year but when you’re an alumnus of Wake, all
you want is a competitive product on the field…4-8, 4-7…maybe
an occasional 6-5, 6-6 thrown in…that’s all we ask for;
especially now that Miami, Boston College and Virginia Tech
have been added to the conference.
But to give you a sense of just how hard it is to win at this
school, consider the fact that since 1944, when Wake went 8-1-0,
we have a whopping two teams that went 8-4. None better.
Overall, in 104 seasons, Wake has a winning percentage of .401
and just .287 in ACC play.
–Russell Adams of the Wall Street Journal had a piece ranking
college football prognosticators, like those who put out
publications such as Street & Smith’s, Athlon’s and Lindy’s. As
Adams notes these rankings are all important because they each
have a say in the official AP pre-season poll (voters read them
for their own edification), which for the elite can determine who
plays in the championship at the end of the year.
For example, if you’re ranked #4 before Week One and lose your
opener, you can still run the table and have a shot at the title. But
if you started out #19 and lose your first one, chances are you’re
out of the next poll altogether and the climb to the top from there
is interminable.
The result?
Lindy’s is #1 for accuracy, followed by CPA Rankings, Phil
Steele, AP, Sporting News, Playboy, Street & Smith’s, and CBS
SportsLine.
For 2006 Lindy’s has the following final AP ranking.
1. Notre Dame [defense the key with more returning starters than
Ohio State’s defense has]
2. Ohio State
3. West Virginia
4. Texas
5. Florida
6. USC
7. Oklahoma
8. Auburn
9. California
10. LSU
–Boston’s David Ortiz is on the shelf as doctors diagnose his
irregular heartbeat. Red Sox teammate Mike Timlin said “It’s
not good. This game is nothing compared to someone’s health or
family. We don’t play games with people’s lives.”
Right, dirtball. Over half of baseball is probably using steroids
of one kind or another and those from the Dominican Republic,
where Ortiz hails from, have been the biggest abusers. [Not that
I’m saying Ortiz himself is a user.]
–Speaking of HGH and other substances, the Charlotte Observer
reports that at least three of the five starting offensive linemen on
the Carolina Panthers’ 2004 Super Bowl team were using huge
amounts of performance enhancers and with adverse reactions.
All of this is coming to light as part of the investigation into Dr.
James Shortt (sic) who recently was sentenced to a year and a
day in prison for distributing the substances. Prosecutors have
identified just two former Panthers thus far, defensive end John
Milem and punter Todd Sauerbrun.
–Just how many $millions has Barry Bonds guaranteed former
trainer Greg Anderson to stay mum? Anderson was sent back to
prison for contempt of court for refusing to testify before the
latest grand jury in the BALCO investigation. A U.S. District
Court in San Francisco ruled Anderson could stay in prison until
January 2008. Judge William Alsup said “Sometimes sitting in
the cooler for a long time may have a therapeutic effect and may
change his mind.”
–Wohhhhh…..from Harry K., via MacLean’s Magazine
(Canada’s version of Time)
Titled “Barbearians at the Gate”
“They can outrun a quarter horse, outsmart a chimpanzee, and
out-track a bloodhound. Pound for pound, bears – not just
grizzlies or polar bears, but ubiquitous black bears, too – are
among the most dangerous animals on earth. In Canada, there
are an astonishing number of black bears – 443,000, according to
the B.C. Wildlife Federation, with some 130,000 in that province
alone. For the most part, they coexist with human beings,
especially in rural areas. But in Whistler this year, the number of
bear break-ins or attempted break-ins – 63 since the spring – is
unprecedented. Conservation officers have fielded 800 calls
from nervous townsfolk, an all-time high. In North Vancouver
and West Vancouver there is another unprecedented problem. In
an area of 276 sq. km, with nearly 175,000 people, as many as
130 black bears have taken up permanent residence, breeding on
lawns, ripping into sheds, and breaking into cars and houses.”
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!
[Harry also wanted to make sure I made note of the passing of
Bruce Gary, drummer for The Knack (“My Sharona” and “Good
Girls Don’t”). Gary played with Albert Collins, Doctor John,
Arthur Lee (of Love), Dylan, George Harrison, Rod Stewart,
Sheryl Crow, John Lee Hooker and Robby Krieger, as well as
one of Harry’s favorite old groups, The Ventures, of “Walk –
Don’t Run” and “Hawaii Five-O” fame. But Harry was
wondering about the song “Telstar,” a #1 1962 hit. That was
performed by The Tornadoes.]
–Back to bears, check this out…a tale from Zaz Hollander of the
Anchorage Daily News.
It seems that 34-year-old Mike Jennings, a former U.S. Marine,
was stranded for days by washouts near Wasilla, Alaska.
“Jennings’ saga began when he took off on a quick bear-hunting
trip in the rain, he said, before flood warnings had been issued in
the rugged country at road’s end, a pocket of deep, steep canyons
sandwiched between the 4,000-foot-high Dutch and Peters Hills
not far from Denali National Park.
“He emerged last Monday, four days overdue and a day after an
Alaska State Troopers’ aerial search was turned back by weather.
“In between, according to accounts from Jennings and friends, he
floated down the turgid waters of Cache Creek, clinging to the
dead black bear he shot. He ended up on a sandbar, threatened
by another bear at close range.
“He chained the dead bear to a tree and slogged back up the
creek to safety after stopping at a cabin for soup and dry clothes.
“Then, on an hour’s sleep, he turned right back around and
brought smokes back to the people trapped by high water at the
cabin because he said he would.”
Jennings’ own account, as told by Hollander:
“He shot a big black bear and was about to slide the animal over
a hill when the hill – saturated by days of rain – slid man, bear
and hillside into a tributary of Cache Creek.
“In the water, Jennings clutched his .308 rifle and the bear. He
hadn’t field-dressed it so the air in its organs helped it float. So
did a waterproof dry bag in his daypack. As he floated, he
passed a brown bear sitting on an island at Thunder Creek.
“Flushed out at Dollar Creek, Jennings tied off the black bear
and trudged back upriver. The river had risen too high to either
drive out or cross on foot. It got dark. He returned to his
Suburban and spent about three hours there before starting to
move.”
But he couldn’t get out on Friday or Saturday…and Saturday
afternoon he slid into Cache Creek yet again and was swept
down to Dollar. Again, he walked all the way back up.
“Both times he fell in, Jennings ended up on the wrong side of
the creek; Cache Creek Cabins, which would have provided
refuge, was on the north side and he was on the south.
“Jennings tried swimming the creek, but the freezing water
paralyzed him, and he was swept downriver one last time.
“The water spat him out on a sandbar at Dollar Creek, where
Cache Creek mellows and splits into smaller channels. This
time, however, he was able to make it to the north side of Cache
Creek, though the cabins remained back upriver.
“Jennings tried to lie down and sleep but he was too chilled. He
sat up. It was pitch black and probably 4 a.m. That’s when
Jennings said he heard the bear growl nearby.”
Jennings’ ammunition for his pistol and rifle were still too wet
but he spooked the bear by cocking the rifle and picking up a
stick.
Finally, on Monday he made it back to Cache Creek, but an hour
later he returned to Thunder Creek to deliver the cigarettes he
had promised two stranded there.
By last Thursday he was back out bear hunting. And so it would
appear we have a candidate for the Bar Chat Hall of Fame. I’d
have to check out all the facts myself, of course. After all, those
three Mexicans lost at sea for months are having problems with
their own these days.
–Marco Andretti, 19, became the youngest winner of a major
open-wheel race when he won the Indy Grand Prix of Sonoma
(Calif.).
–I’ve done a poor job this year of keeping up with NASCAR,
but with two races to go before the Chase for the championship
begins, the top ten (and only ones who would then qualify as the
campaign then goes to the final ten races) are:
Jimmie Johnson, Matt Kenseth, Kevin Harvick, Kyle Busch, Jeff
Gordon, Denny Hamlin, Jeff Burton, Tony Stewart, Dale
Earnhardt Jr., and Mark Martin.
Only Kasey Kahne in 11th has a small shot of cracking this list
the next two weeks.
–A Nevada judge has frozen the $12 million that Jamie Gold
won in the World Series of Poker because of a lawsuit by an
acquaintance of Gold’s, who claims the two agreed to split any
prize money Gold took in.
Bruce Crispin Leyser, a television executive from Los Angeles,
claims to have a voicemail left by Gold just hours before play
began on the tournament’s final table in which Gold said he’ll
make good on his promise, according to the Associated Press.
Leyser said the two agreed in July to split the winnings in
exchange for Leyser helping him find celebrities to play in the
tournament while wearing the “Bodog” label of an offshore
Internet gambling site. Bodog paid Gold’s $10,000 entry fee.
After he won, Gold mentioned sharing the money with friends
and supporters, such as his father who is suffering from Lou
Gehrig’s disease, but said nothing of Leyser.
This, friends, is a true dirtball. String him up.
–I just know I’m going to have nightmares about giant spiders
and Khakhua after relaying the above piece.
–This just in from the AP and Brad K.
“A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China’s Inner
Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving
lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.
“No injuries were reported…
“The woman, identified only by her surname, Li, said her dog
‘was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched
her drive,’ according to Xinhua.
“ ‘She thought she would let the dog ‘have a try’ while she
operated the accelerator and brake,’ the report said. ‘They did
not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.’”
Brad observed, “Sure, it starts with oldies like rollover, beg and
fetch, but the next thing you know they’ll be developing nukes.
Just wait.”
I feel like dogs may have been playing us for chumps all along.
Then again, Brad is wondering about this woman, “Li.” “How
about ‘Not happy until my dogs own Hawaii’ Li? Think about
that one,” he added.
–Great idea by Billie Jean King as she saw the U.S. Open tennis
complex named after her on Monday. The Mets, she said, should
name their new stadium, slated to open in a few years, after
Jackie Robinson. But the Mets are looking for a corporate
sponsor. [I’m thinking Pilsner Urquel Field.]
–The Yankees’ Carl Pavano went 18-8 for Florida in 2004, his
only good season in a highly mediocre career, yet New York
gave him $40 million for four years. Last season he was hurt and
went 4-6. This year he’s been on the shelf yet again after elbow
surgery but was rehabbing and finally appeared ready for action
when he said he couldn’t throw without pain.
What was the problem? Well it took him a couple of days to tell
the team, but it turns out he had cracked some ribs in an auto
accident. And to think growing up we treated these guys as
heroes. They’re really idiots.
–…like Terrell Owens.
–Not for nothing but in the 8/24 edition I did say of the movie
“Invincible”… “I bet this is pretty good.” And I guess it was
because it was the #1 grosser last weekend in its opening. It also
turns out Mark Wahlberg, who plays the title role of Vince
Papale, the former walk-on for the Eagles, and Papale have
become fast drinking buddies.
–Sports Illustrated’s own “Sign of the Apocalypse”
“A Missouri man says he saw an image of the Virgin Mary in the
grease drippings from his George Foreman Grill.”
Heck, I’ve seen stuff like this myself using the product…I just
would keep it to myself, know what I’m sayin’?
–How many footballs does the NFL go through in a season?
Answer below.
–Steve G. said he saw the Florida southern rock band 38 Special
in Denver, a night after they had played in Sturgis, South Dakota,
for the bikers there. 38 Special is fronted by Donnie Van Zant,
younger brother of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Ronnie Van Zant. Some
of their hits in the 1980s included the #10 Billboard “Caught Up
In You,” #14 “Like No Other Night” and #6 “Second Chance.”
[Steve also says instead of dinner his ‘dream golf foursome’
would have Springsteen, Tiger and Leonardo Da Vinci. Why Da
Vinci? Because Steve thinks he’d collect the royalties on
Leonardo’s inventions for the golf game. Bro, it just ain’t that
easy. These days Da Vinci would probably have been an
investment banker, collecting $10s of millions and escorting a
bevy of babes around the Hamptons. There’s no money in art,
after all…at least not in the kind he’s best known for. Nope,
only the truly screwed up get to sell their awful pieces, like a
solid black canvas, for top dollar.]
–Professor Glenn Gass, rock historian at Indiana University
(now that’s a man after my own heart), told Newsweek KISS
deserves to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
“Along with P-Funk and Bowie and Alice Cooper, they were the
guys that took rock theater to the extreme…[and] they were a
good rock-and-roll band under all that….They have to get in.”
Cofounder Gene Simmons:
“I’m too rich to care. Eventually we’ll get in, and that’s when
I’ll care. Our fans number in the millions, and we’ve survived
the test of time. I support the fans because they feel robbed…
That’s why the people should decide.”
Top Twenty tunes for KISS
#12 “Rock And Roll All Nite”
#7 “Beth”
#15 “Hard Luck Woman”
#16 “Calling Dr. Love” …easily my favorite
#11 “I Was Made For Lovin’ You”
#8 “Forever”
However, Joel Whitburn has a point system for ranking the Top
500 artists from 1955-1999, including for all Hot 100 singles.
[Ex: A #1 receives 100 points for its first week at the top, plus 10
points for each additional week at #1….down to a simple 10
points for a tune #91-100.]
Under this system here are the Top Ten artists.
1. Elvis
2. The Beatles
3. Elton John…huh, surprising
4. Stevie Wonder
5. James Brown
6. Madonna
7. The Rolling Stones
8. Aretha Franklin
9. Michael Jackson
10. Pat Boone
and…
11. Marvin Gaye
12. Rod Stewart
13. Beach Boys
14. Paul McCartney
15. Ray Charles
186. KISS
Of course this is highly deceptive. #187 under the system is
The Kinks, #181 Sly and the Family Stone, to cite two that
would place far higher in a normal ranking.
Top 3 songs for the week of 8/27/77: #1 “Best Of My Love”
(Emotions) #2 “I Just Want To Be Your Everything” (Andy
Gibb) #3 “(Your Love Has Lifted Me) Higher And Higher”
(Rita Coolidge)…and…#4 “Easy” (Commodores…my personal
fave of theirs is “Just To Be Close To You” ….probably because
I was eating a delicious burger when I heard it for the first time
…don’t ask me why I have this memory…) #8 “Float On” (The
Floaters…awesome tune… ‘Cancer, and my name is Larry…’)
#9 “Strawberry Letter 23” (The Brothers Johnson)
NFL Quiz Answer: Top ten scorers all time…
1. Gary Anderson…2,434
2. Morten Andersen…2,358
3. George Blanda…2,002 [includes 9 TDs]
4. Norm Johnson…1,736
5. Nick Lowery…1,711
6. Jan Stenerud…1,699
7. John Carney…1,634
8. Eddie Murray…1,594
…Matt Stover…1,594
10. Al Del Greco…1,584
*Stover and Carney are still active.
**The NFL goes through 9,000 footballs in the course of a
season, according to Tom Lowry of Business Week. This year
Wilson has been working overtime because they had to adjust for
Roger Goodell taking over for Commissioner Paul Tagliabue on
Aug. 8; the commissioner’s signature being on the ball. 5,000
Tagliabue balls were already made and the NFL is eating the cost
($250,000) as well as donating the balls to high schools. Hey, I
want one!
Next Bar Chat, Wednesday Sept. 6. I need to clean some things
up around here…..like my coming war with Union County and
another notice for jury duty. They don’t seem to understand how
I want to extend the death penalty to those who send out junk
faxes.
