Houston Astros Quiz: 1) Name the six Hall of Famers who
played for them. [I give you one because he only appeared in 23
games with the Astros, pitcher Robin Roberts.] 2) Who was their
Gold Glove shortstop in 1973? 3) Who is the franchise’s only
Rookie of the Year? 4) Name the seven to win 20 for the ‘Stros.
[Hint: Nolan Ryan is not one of them.] 5) Name the only three to
hit 40 home runs in a season. 6) Who am I? I am the only Astro
hurler to lose 20 games in a single season and I did it in
1962….last name begins with ‘F’. Answers below.
Bob and Ray
You probably have to be at least 36 to remember one of the great
comedy teams of all time. Bob Elliott (Chris’s father) and Ray
Goulding were together from 1946 until Ray’s death in 1990.
Here in the New York area we had the opportunity to listen to
them on the radio during extensive stretches. My best memories
are from their stint on WOR-AM in the 1970s. Any comedian
worth his salt would hastily admit they owe the two.
So as part of the ongoing basement flood recovery going on over
at my parents’ house, they uncovered a 1983 book titled “From
Approximately Coast to Coast…It’s The Bob and Ray Show.” I
thought over the coming weeks I’d pick a few sketches out,
recognizing a majority might not find it funny at all. I, on the
other hand, picked it up last night and laughed my head off.
First, Andy Rooney wrote the forward and said in part:
Bob and Ray have three distinct personalities. There’s Bob’s,
there’s Ray’s and there’s Bob and Ray’s. Both Bob and Ray are
interesting to meet separately because two duller people you
never talked to. Every Sunday morning I meet funnier people
down at the news store when I go out to get the paper.
If you run into Bob and Ray together, it’s a different matter.
Over a year’s time they must give away a million dollars worth
of comedy material free to people they meet on the street.
Several years ago, I met them in New York after not having seen
them for a long time. We said “hello” all the way around, but
that was the end of any normal conversation.
“You still writing the Phil Rizzuto Show?” Ray asked, referring
to a workaday sports talk show conducted by the former Yankee
shortstop.
I laughed, but before I could think of any clever response, Bob
stepped in.
“We don’t get a chance to hear it much,” he said. “No, it comes
at a bad time for us, Andy,” Bob added “What time is it on?”
“We hear you’re doing a good job, though,” Ray said.
“Yeah, everybody’s talking about it.”
I still hadn’t gotten a word in when Ray finished the
conversation.
“I’ll bet the Scooter’s a prince to work for, isn’t he?”
“Great to see you, Andy. Keep up the good work,” and they
walked off.
The next time I saw them, they spotted me from across the street.
Ray doubled over, pointed at me and started laughing. Ray is
usually the instigator. Bob saw me. He pointed, doubled over
and started laughing. They laughed for perhaps thirty seconds,
then they straightened up and walked off down the street. It was
the beginning and end of our meeting.
It was absolutely as meaningful as most street meetings, but for
me a great deal more memorable.
If you bend over double and laugh at the humor in situation
comedies on television, you’ve just bought the wrong book. You’re
going to hate this one and if it isn’t too late, take it back.
“Hard Luck Stories”
[Organ: sad background theme]
Ray: Again today our scouts have been searching the railroad
and bus stations for victims of misfortune. We’ve found that you
listeners enjoy hearing these pathetic people tell their tragic
stories. And of course, we all get a warm feeling when our
generous Bob and Ray organizations steps forward with its
lovely gifts to solve each and every problem. So Bob – let’s start
the fun with that sad specimen there beside you.
Bob: Sure thing, Ray. This is Mr. Morton Boatwright of Kansas
City, Missouri. And according to your card, Mr. Boatwright –
you became stranded in New York while you were attempting to
begin a voyage to a virtually unexplored area of central Africa.
I’m sure there must be quite a story that goes with that.
Boatwright: Well, no – at least not originally. I was just going to
Africa because you can’t buy a giraffe in Kansas City. But then,
the tramp steamer I was planning to take from New York to the
Ivory Coast left without me. And I’ve run out of money waiting
around here for some other form of transportation. So I guess it
has gotten to be quite an interesting story by now.
Bob: Yes. And I imagine it might become even more fascinating
if we knew why you need a giraffe so badly.
Boatwright: Well, that’s easy enough to explain. You see, I
don’t live right in Kansas City. I live in a suburb about twenty
miles out of town. It’s like most of your upper-middle-class
suburbs where the neighbors all try to keep up with each other.
One of them gets a new car – and then the rest of us have to.
Next, one gets a boat – and then everybody else does. So I had
to think of something that would really make the rest of them
look shabby.
Bob: Like buying a giraffe, you mean.
Boatwright: That’s right. It seemed like the ideal way to flaunt
my wealth. A giraffe owner doesn’t even have to mention that
he’s got a new giraffe. You just put him in the front yard and act
casual about it, while the neighbors turn green with envy.
Bob: Well, it seems like a diabolical idea all right, Mr.
Boatwright. But if you’re only looking for a new way to flaunt
your wealth – how do you happen to be appearing on our show
as a hardship case?
Boatwright: My fried chicken franchise back home went
bankrupt while I was hanging around here waiting for a tramp
steamer to the Ivory Coast.
Bob: Well, then you truly merit our heartfelt sympathy, sir. But
to help you get back on your feet, here’s this lovely gift from our
generous Bob and Ray organization. It’s a gorgeous revolving
lawn sprinkler complete with fifty yards of plastic garden hose.
Boatwright: Well, I can’t flaunt this in front of the neighbors.
They’ve already got sprinklers and garden hose.
Bob: That’s perfectly all right. Just use it in good health….Now
here with our next hard luck story is Mrs. Tillie Faunce of
Logan, Utah. And I understand you’re in desperate need of cash
so you can walk clear across the country on your hands, Mrs.
Faunce.
Faunce: That’s right. I was quite a tomboy when I was a child.
In fact, I was the only youngster who could walk clear across the
school playground on her hands. So I guess that’s why Tubby
Wurtsma dee-double-dared me to walk all the way from New
York to California on my hands. But it’s taken me this long to
scrape together even part of the money to start out.
Bob: Well, judging from your appearance, it must have been
many years ago that you were a child. Do you think this little
boy you spoke of still cares whether you accept his dare?
Faunce: Oh, indeed he does. It’s gotten so I hate to go into his
pinball arcade back home because I know he’s going to make
some smart remark about my failing to walk across the country
on my hands. And I still may not be able to make it. I figure I’ll
wear out at least two hundred pairs of work gloves on the trip –
and I can’t afford to buy them.
Bob: Well, this is truly a terrible predicament in which you find
yourself, Mrs. Faunce. But our generous Bob and Ray
organization is standing by to help with this handsome gift. It’s a
chrome-plated head block for your hot rod from Conrad’s
Custom Cars of Cleveland.
Faunce: Well, I don’t have a hot rod. Whatever gave you that
idea?
Bob: That’s quite all right, Mrs. Faunce. We’re here to help….
Now with today’s final hard luck story, here is Mr. Farley
Plummer of Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I understand you spent your
life savings on a trip to New York to have some dental work
done.
Plummer: That’s right. As you may have noticed, I’m only ten-
and-a-half inches tall. So, of course, I have a very small mouth
and tiny little teeth in there. I couldn’t find a dentist in Tulsa
who had the right equipment to handle my case. So I figured I’d
better come to a specialist in New York.
Bob: I see. And now you need the money to pay for a dental
specialist here in New York to work on your teeth. Is that it?
Plummer: No. Now I need the money to go on to Dublin,
Ireland. I found out there’s no dentist in New York who
specializes in people my size either. But one of them told me
I’m about the same height as a leprechaun. And he assumed that
those little guys all commute into Dublin to have their teeth
fixed. So I want to give it a try. I’ve got one cavity that’s really
killing me.
Bob: Well, there’s nothing more tragic to behold than the
suffering of a fellow human – or whatever you are, sir. So from
our generous Bob and Ray organization, here is this fine gift for
you. It’s a deluxe racing bike from Klingman and Klingman of
Denver.
Plummer: Gee. I don’t know what to say. Being ten-and-a-half
inches tall, I get a lot of inappropriate gifts. But this really takes
the cake.
Bob: No thanks are necessary, sir. Just seeing the smile on your
little face is reward enough. And now back over to Ray at our
main anchor desk.
[Organ: theme up to finish]
—
Stuff
–My main man Claude Monet is selling one of his water lily
paintings in an upcoming London auction thru Sotheby’s, with
an estimated price of $29 million. Actually, Monet is dead
(1926)…seems a collector’s family first purchased the work in
the 1920s from Claude’s son.
But as a number of stories have reported recently, including one
by Ben Hoyle in the London Times, Monet and other
Impressionists’ works may have been heavily influenced by
eyesight issues; such as cataracts, something Monet suffered
from. Researchers at Stanford University have attempted to
reconstruct how he would have viewed the world and, voila!
Blurred images for blurred vision. [Edgar Degas, another,
suffered from retinal disease.]
–Greg Maddux recently won his 336th game and when you look
at him on the all-time list, it’s pretty remarkable to see him #10
[Roger Clemens is #8 with 348 wins.] Not too long ago, three
pitchers from way, way back seemed out of reach.
Tim Keefe is #9 at 342…he pitched from 1880-1893.
Kid Nichols is #7 with 361…he was on the mound from 1890-
1906.
And Pud Galvin, #5 with 365. Galvin toiled from 1875-1892.
Consider that Galvin, born in 1856, and Keefe, 1857, would have
had memories of the Civil War. Galvin grew up in St. Louis and
Keefe the Boston area, so I’m sure they had relatives who fought
and died in the battle between the North and South…..mused the
editor.
–The Star-Ledger’s Steve Politi interviewed Barry Bonds’
brother, Bobby Jr. I forgot about this guy. Turns out he lives
nearby here in New Jersey, after a 12-year career in the minor
leagues. Bobby Bonds Jr. told Politi that he knew his teammates
used steroids, “players who went to Mexico in the off-season and
came back with muscles they never had before. ‘My ball would
go to the warning track. It would be at the wall but it wouldn’t
go over,’ Bobby Jr. said, not a hint of regret in his voice. ‘That’s
where my career ended,’ he said. ‘But I refused to take them. I
refused to shoot anything into my butt. If I couldn’t make it
naturally, then I didn’t deserve to be there.’”
But Bobby Jr. remains very supportive of his older brother, as
you’d expect him to. On this, I can’t say I blame him.
–Noted commentator and baseball fan, George Will, had some of
the following thoughts on Barry Bonds in the May 21 issue of
Newsweek.
“Harvey Mansfield, a Harvard philosopher, says we need our
athletes and their integrity because excellence is always
endangered in democracies that often cherish equality
indiscriminately. PEDs (performance-enhancing drugs), he says,
do not merely expand the limits of human nature, they erase
those limits as a standard: ‘Perfection disappears as the upper
limit, and is replaced by an indefinite, indefinable perfectibility.’
“Mansfield’s colleague Michael Sandel, in his new book, ‘The
Case Against Perfection,’ acknowledges that ‘the line between
cultivating natural gifts and corrupting them with artifice may
not always be clear.’ In 1999, Tiger Woods, whose eyesight was
so poor he could not read the large E on the eye chart, had Lasik
eye surgery – then won his next five tournaments. This was not
a corrupting artifice. It enabled his eyes to do what normal eyes
naturally do, not what unnatural eyes would do. But, Sandel
says, when the role of chemical enhancement increases, our
admiration for the achievement decreases. An athlete who
succumbs to the ‘Promethean aspiration to remake nature,
including human nature’ ceases to be the agent of his
achievements, which are drained of merit and moral
responsibility.
“It is a truism that baseball involves a lot of failure. Babe Ruth
struck out 1,330 times – that is the equivalent of three seasons of
at-bats without ever putting the ball in play. Ty Cobb, whose
.366 career batting average is the highest in history, failed more
than 63 percent of the time. In a sense, most Americans are
failed ballplayers. That is one reason for the sport’s unique grip
on the nation’s imagination and affections.
“PEDs make baseball less of a shared activity. Because of them,
a few excel but everyone loses – everyone in the stands and on
the field, and Bonds more than anyone.”
[Speaking of Tiger and his Lasik eye surgery, I see where he just
had another procedure, his first since Oct. 1999, because, in his
own words, “My vision started slipping.” He had it the Monday
after the Masters. Coincidentally, he has been running
commercials again for the place where he was first treated, but of
course there is no mention of him having to go back a second
time….not that this is unusual.]
–USA Today has an extensive interview with Seattle’s Ichiro,
who while off to a mediocre start (.312 after a 5-for-5
performance on Tuesday), for him, can become a free agent at
season’s end and now there is even talk he could be traded before
the July 31 deadline. Ichiro loves the game, but is increasingly
distraught at the way his teammates appear to accept losing. The
Mariners say they want to resign him, but if I’m Ichiro, I walk.
He turns 34 in October and there’s no reason why he can’t be
super productive beyond 40, it would appear.
[By the way….I had no idea what he was doing on the basepaths,
but Ichiro now has 44 consecutive steals over the past two
seasons, the A.L. record and just six shy of Vince Coleman’s
major league mark of 50 straight.]
As an aside, Ichiro had this to say about Tiger Woods’
athleticism: “Tiger is a great golfer, but…when you say athlete, I
think of Carl Lewis. When you talk about (golfers or race car
drivers), I don’t want to see them run. It’s the same if you were
to meet a beautiful girl and go bowling. If she’s an ugly bowler,
you are going to be disappointed.”
Personally, I just wouldn’t go bowling again.
–Houston, we have us a mo-ron. His name is Lastings Milledge
and he plays for the Mets.
You see, Mr. Milledge is an incredibly talented 22-year-old who
was brought up last year, only to immediately turn off his veteran
teammates with his poor attitude.
But Milledge showed up at spring training this season with a
seemingly different mindset and for the most part impressed the
organization. He made the squad but was sent down to AAA
after the first few weeks because he wasn’t getting enough
playing time, but he certainly still seemed to be in the Mets plans
for 2008 and beyond. Or, he could make for great trade bait.
That was then…this is now. Oh he’ll be traded, alright; and the
Mets may not receive much in return. Why? Lastings Milledge,
in his infinite wisdom, decided to cut a rap record with his friend
“Manny D” wherein Lastings can be heard on one particular
track to be asking a woman to “Bend Ya Knees,” the title, and,
well, you can guess what all the graphic sexual content is about.
Plus there are multiple uses of the n-word.
The Mets’ organization didn’t know of this until Tuesday and
immediately said “We disapprove of the content, language and
message of this recording, which does not represent the views of
the New York Mets.”
Congratulations, Lastings. You’ve earned yourself a ticket out of
the best market in the country. Good luck in Kansas City, or
wherever you end up. And congratulations on being named the
first recipient of the Bar Chat “Lifetime Mo-ron Award” at the
tender age of 22.
–Big news, Jersey golf fans. The Barclays, held at Westchester
Country Club in Harrison, N.Y., since 1967 is moving to the new
Liberty National Golf Club in Jersey City in August 2009. The
PGA Tour loves the way it will look on television, with non-stop
views of Manhattan across the water, let alone the Statue of
Liberty. It’s a one shot deal, but if it works, Liberty National
will become a permanent stop.
–XM Satellite Radio suspended shock jocks Opie and Anthony
for 30 days, following their on-air sex comments about
Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush and Queen Elizabeth II. It seems
they might have gotten off with a wrist slap but after an initial
apology, the day after the controversy broke, XM management
believed they were less than contrite in succeeding broadcasts.
They also continue to defend Don Imus, who was long a big-time
supporter of theirs.
–Michael Vick update: ESPN.com reported (via an initial
Yahoo story) that there is evidence Vick was indeed in
attendance while dog fighting was taking place at a Virginia
home he owned. An animal control officer, who has the goods,
is challenging the county attorney to file charges, explaining that
the prosecutor has seen the evidence himself and once
commented he had enough to issue an indictment. Vick has been
advised by his lawyer to clam up.
–I couldn’t help but notice a BBC News headline, “Football boss
shot dead in Sofia,” because I talked about this in a Bar Chat
from Sofia, Bulgaria, 9/26/06. Back then I told of how I hired
out a driver, Tony, a professional soccer player, who told me
“players are always getting in fights with the mobsters who’ve
lost bets because of a particular play or two.”
In this instance, the president of a leading Bulgarian squad was
shot dead in a suburb of the city…two bullets to the head while
he sat in his Mercedes. “The killing comes less than two years
after the club’s previous owner, Georgy Iliev, was shot dead by a
sniper in a Black Sea resort. Police linked the Iliev murder with
rivalries between drug-trafficking gangs.” Goodness gracious.
–In 1963, there were only 417 breeding pairs of bald eagles,
thanks to the pesticide DDT. But the Fish and Wildlife Service
plans to take them off the endangered species list because there
are close to 10,000 today. No word on how many Nazgul exist,
which is what I worry about.
–OK….once again, for the record, as “The Sopranos” winds
down. I said before this season started:
“Christopher will overdose in the final episode…while Tony is
killed by A.J., Tony lying on a raft in his swimming pool. As he
then closes his eyes…in this pool of blood…the ducks land, a la
the premiere episode. The final song is Sinatra’s ‘It Was A Very
Good Year.’”
Well, now it can be said I at least got Christopher’s death right,
even if the cause wasn’t spot on. Certainly his drug use had
something to do with the accident. But I’m beginning to think I
have a pretty good shot at nailing the finale. A.J. is a bit
conflicted, to say the least. Three episodes to go.
–Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s crew chief, Tony Eury, was fined
$100,000 and suspended for six races after NASCAR discovered
some illegal rear wing mounts on Earnhardt’s car. Junior was
docked 100 championship points, which could hurt come
yearend. He already has enough problems with his
announcement he is leaving his mother’s team, DEI. NASCAR
has decided it will not tolerate cheating of any kind this year.
–In “For Better or For Worse,” or as Jeff B. calls it, “For
Worse,” creator Lynn Johnston appears intent on sticking with
this freakin’ Grandpa Jim deal until we all keel over from
boredom and on Wednesday she added the issue of
incontinence. This is how Johnston wants to finish the deal. She
had a choice…go out in a blaze of glory, with Dr. P. arrested for
drug dealing and April collared for underage drinking and
prostitution, let alone Chopper Paul’s arrest for plotting terror
attacks, but noooooo. Johnston opts to go this route instead it
seems. Her readers are disgusted and wondering why they
wasted half their lives following this garbage.
–For you viewers of “24,” boy, Josh is sure going to be one
messed up dude, don’t you think?
–Kenny Chesney won his third consecutive entertainer of the
year trophy at the Academy of Country Music awards on
Tuesday. Carrie Underwood was top female vocalist, while Brad
Paisley took male vocalist of the year honors. But guess I have
to get the Miranda Lambert debut album, which is #1 on the
country charts these days. She was top new female vocalist.
But, guys….yes, she’s single, but she’s dating Blake Shelton. So
set your sights elsewhere.
Top 3 songs for the week 5/14/66: #1 “Monday, Monday” (The
Mama’s And The Papa’s) #2 “Good Lovin’” (The Young
Rascals) #3 “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35” (Bob Dylan)…and
…#4 “Kicks” (Paul Revere And The Raiders featuring Mark
Lindsay…that’s what they went by then…you know, Mark
Lindsay is one of the more underrated entertainers of that era.
He could have been starring on Vegas to this day….come in
Mark Lindsay….) #5 “Sloop John B” (The Beach Boys) #6
“(You’re My) Soul And Inspiration” (The Righteous Brothers)
#7 “How Does That Grab You, Darlin’?” (Nancy Sinatra) #8
“Message To Michael” (Dionne Warwick) #9 “When A Man
Loves A Woman” (Percy Sledge) #10 “Gloria” (Shadows Of
Knight)
Houston Astros Quiz Answers: 1) Six Hall of Famers who
played for Houston: Nellie Fox (1964-65), Eddie Mathews
(1967), Joe Morgan (1963-71, 1980), Robin Roberts (1965-66),
Nolan Ryan (1980-88), Don Sutton (1981-82). 2) Roger Metzger
won the Gold Glove at short in 1973. 3) Jeff Bagwell is the only
Rookie of the Year winner, 1991. 4) Seven to win 20 games:
Larry Dierker (20-13, 1969), J.R. Richard (20-15, ’76), Joe
Niekro (21-11, ’79; 20-12, ’80), Mike Scott (20-10, ’89), Mike
Hampton (22-4, ’99), Jose Lima (21-10, ’99), Roy Oswalt (20-
10, ’04; 20-12, ’05). 5) Three to hit 40 home runs in a season:
Jeff Bagwell (47, 43, 42); Richard Hidalgo (44); Lance Berkman
(42, 45…this last one in ‘06). 6) Turk Farrell went 10-20 for
Houston in 1962, the club’s first season. But Farrell had a great
year, actually. He had a 3.02 ERA when the league ERA was
3.74, plus he gave up only 210 hits and 55 walks in 241 innings,
while fanning 203. So goshdarnit….Turk deserved better!!!!
Now I’m upset….someone hand me a beer.
Next Bar Chat, Monday p.m.
[Happy 25th Anniversary to Brad and Leah, high school
classmates of mine……………………..yikes, guys!]
*This was Bar Chat #969 [the first few weren’t archived…but I
have originals] as we march inexorably to #1000. What treats
does your editor have in store for the readers? Who knows….I
just hope I don’t forget to celebrate it.
