Underrated

Note: I begin with a rather expansive essay. More normal Bar Chat fare is below it. 

College Football Quiz: 1) Who is the only Alabama quarterback to throw for 400 yards? [Of course you get a hint…1969] 2) Who was Alabama’s coach when they won the national title in 1992? 3) Who was Arizona State’s QB from 1971-73 when the team went 10-1, 9-2, and 11-1? [Later starred in NFL] 4) Who was the coach the last time Arkansas finished the year in the AP Top Ten? 5) Who is the only Arkansas running back to rush for 300 yards? [Currently in NFL] 6) Who was Army’s coach the last time it finished in the Top 25 in the AP poll, 1996. 

James Knox Polk (1795-1849) 

A few weeks ago I was on a golf outing with a bunch of guys in the Poconos and I drove back and forth with a neighbor. Ralph and I had a chance to catch up on a lot of stuff and as we’re both interested in all things political the discussion was wide-ranging. It was kind of funny when out of nowhere we found out we both thought James Polk is one of the more underrated presidents in our history. 

But in just the past ten days or so, I’ve read a number of reviews on a new book that is out, Robert W. Merry’s “A Country of Vast Designs: James K. Polk, the Mexican War and the Conquest of the American Continent.” Seeing as I always buy such tomes, even if I never get around to reading them…because I’m into supporting authors, hoping one day they’ll support me [hint hint]…I thought I’d reprise a little series I did on Polk myself a little over four years ago, utilizing the extensive library I have accumulated. 

One of the reviewers, Edward Achorn, writes in The Weekly Standard: 

“Historians still fiercely debate whether James K. Polk is our most underappreciated president, but I’ll say this: he sure seems to be our most politically incorrect one. Polk’s brilliant success in vastly expanding the size and power of the United States during his fleeting four years in office (1845-49), conquering Mexico along the way, has earned him the eternal enmity of much of academia. And his drab and crabby nature has kept him from holding a place in the hearts of his countrymen commensurate with his achievements…. 

“But ‘A Country of Vast Designs’ is a welcome exploration of a president who, whatever we might think of his personality, used his time in office to vastly expand the power and influence of the freest and greatest country in history. 

“That may make James K. Polk a pariah in certain circles, but it also makes him unquestionably great.” 

OK sorry to drag you along as I re-educate myself on just what the 11th US President (1845-49) did to deserve the “near great” label in a major survey of the presidents (Bar Chat, 9/15/05), but here we go. [Polk is the only one-term prez to gain the label of “great” or “near great” out of ten.]

Born on November 2, 1795 near Pineville, Mecklenburg County, N.C., the son of a farmer, Polk graduated in 1818 from the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.

Polk served in the Tennessee House of Representatives from 1823-25 and in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1825-1839, where he served as Speaker of the House from 1835-39. In 1839 he was then elected governor of Tennessee.

So how did Polk become president? From the book “Facts About the Presidents,” by Joseph Nathan Kane:

“Polk was not even considered as a candidate for the presidency at the Democratic national convention held at Odd Fellows’ Hall, Baltimore, Md., from May 27 to May 30, 1844. His name was not mentioned during the first seven ballots and not a single vote was cast for him. A stalemate existed between former President Martin Van Buren (#8, 1837-41) and Lewis Cass of Michigan. On the eighth ballot, Polk was suggested as a compromise candidate and received 44 votes, while Van Buren had 104 votes and Cass 114 votes. On the ninth ballot, amid indescribable confusion, the convention stampeded for Polk. State after state that had supported Van Buren or Cass cast its votes for Polk, and before the final tally his nomination was declared unanimous, as he had received 266 of the 266 votes cast.” [There was a rule then that a candidate needed 2/3s to secure the nomination.]

Well, now my curiosity is pricked. I hope yours is as well. So let’s turn elsewhere for more detail.

From the book “James K. Polk” by John Seigenthaler, the father of the former NBC anchor by the same name (I think I have this right):

“As the ninth and final roll call began, Van Buren and Cass backers were angrily accusing one another of buying, badgering, and pressuring delegates to switch votes. In the clash, a Pennsylvania delegate began to extol Polk’s virtues as the ‘bosom friend of Old Hickory (Andrew Jackson) a pure, whole hog, Loco Foco Democrat against the Bank of the United States and all corrupting monopolies.’ Maine jumped from Van Buren to Polk, and the run was on. The Virginia and New York delegates caucused and returned to the floor to endorse Polk. Benjamin Butler (ed. future Civil War general), who with Silas Wright led the Van Buren forces, wept as he conceded New York’s votes to the Tennessean, describing Polk as ‘honest, capable, and faithful to the Constitution.’

“The momentum swept the assembly, and within minutes a hostile crowd was seized by mass euphoria, as one speech after another reminded them of the virtues of this loyal party man from Tennessee. Polk was unanimously acclaimed the nominee.”

[I probably should have explained that the fate of Texas played a role in all this. Recall that after the slaughters at the Alamo and Goliad, Sam Houston defeated Santa Anna at San Jacinto in 1836, thereby establishing the Republic of Texas.]

From Michael Beschloss’s “The Presidents”:

“Immediately after the United States recognized the independence of Texas in 1836, the former Mexican region applied for admission to the Union; but since statehood would have destroyed the delicate balance between slave and free states that had existed since 1820, American politicians generally avoided the issue. In April 1844 President (John) Tyler, hearing that Texas was negotiating a treaty with England, asked Congress to hedge no longer and approve annexation, but the legislators were unsure about the people’s reactions and refused to vote for annexation in an election year. Both (Whig Henry) Clay and Van Buren announced that they intended to keep Texas out of the approaching campaign.”

But Andrew Jackson (#7, 1829-37), who was still a giant in Democratic politics, “was disgusted with the political backing-and-filling. Jackson was confident that the people wanted Texas in the Union in no uncertain terms. Summoning several Democratic leaders, including Polk, to his Tennessee home, he told them that Van Buren’s anti-Texas position was political suicide.” [Beschloss]

Polk was for annexation. Jackson surmised Polk could win. So the Jacksonian forces skillfully deadlocked the convention until it was time to put Polk forward.

OK so we now move to the election. Polk defeated Clay 170-105 in the electoral college, but won by only 39,000 in the popular vote. So who was this guy?

Historian Bernard De Voto:

“Polk’s mind was rigid, narrow, obstinate, far from first-rate. But if his mind was narrow it was also powerful and he had guts. If he was orthodox, his integrity was absolute and he could not be scared, manipulated, or brought to heel. No one bluffed him, no one moved him with direct or oblique pressure.” 

Like Jackson, Polk “knew how to get things done, which is the first necessity of government, and he knew what he wanted done, which is the second.” After a string of lousy presidents, Polk “was to be the only ‘strong’ (one) between Jackson and Lincoln. He was to fix the mold of the future in America down to 1860, and therefore for a long time afterward. That is who James K. Polk was.” [Beschloss]

James Polk takes on Mexico

It’s tough to start a story like this and then suddenly say, “and so the U.S. got California, New Mexico and Oregon territory…the end.”

So some further details from the campaign of 1844. Following are two jingles used by Clay and Polk. The first is sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle” and was employed at Polk rallies.

The Democrats will be triumphant;
The ladies their charms will display
And no man will they marry
Who will vote for Old Henry Clay.

And the Whigs’ response:

Hurray for Henry Clay,
Nobody care for Tyler
Van Buren’s out of the way
And Polk will soon burst his boiler.

Well, you come up with something better! What I failed to mention above, though, was that Polk needed a hook, aside from being Andrew Jackson’s hand-picked candidate. So Polk decided that he would declare a one-term presidency, a strategy endorsed by Old Hickory. On June 12, 1844, six weeks after he was nominated, Polk announced that if elected, he would “enter upon the discharge of the high and solemn duties, with the settled purpose of not being a candidate for reelection.” It was a pledge he would keep.

Early on in his administration, President Polk set four goals, his “great measures”:

–He would lower the tariff.

–He would re-create an independent treasury.

–He would acquire Oregon from the British.

–He would acquire California from Mexico.

We’ll focus on these last two; though know up front he accomplished all four. But first, more on Polk’s personality; which presents a rather stark contrast with the current occupant of the White House. [Ed. I was referring to Bush 43 at this time.]

From John Seigenthaler’s “James K. Polk”:

“For four years there would be no rest for James Knox Polk. He was an obsessed workaholic, a perfectionist, a micromanager, whose commitment to what he saw as his responsibility led him to virtually incarcerate himself in the White House for the full tenure of his presidency. He rarely went out to visit. Sometimes he took a walk, usually to attend church with his wife. On very rare occasions he took a horseback ride for exercise. He almost never attended a social function and took vacations only when Sarah convinced him that his health demanded it.

“At forty-nine, the youngest president was operating in a world he knew well, surrounded by veteran power brokers of his own party: Calhoun, Benton, Cass, Woodbury, and Buchanan. They were men with enormous egos and matching ambitions. Not one of them had lost the fire in the belly, nor surrendered his own dream that one day he would occupy the exalted position that had come to Polk. The new president had made no promises or deals. In his mind, his only real debt was to Andrew Jackson – and he owed him everything. With all of this in mind, he told Cave Johnson: ‘I intend to be myself president.’”

From “The Presidents,” edited by Henry F. Graff (in a segment by David M. Pletcher):

“As a good Jacksonian, Polk brought to the White House a conviction that the president, the only true representative of national interests, must dominate the government and be the very symbol of the common man. More than any other Jacksonian, Polk understood and accepted the hard, grinding work that this responsibility entailed and almost literally drove himself to an early grave. American politicians commonly took long vacations from the summer heat and the year-round strains of the capital, but for one period of thirteen months Polk never traveled more than three or four miles from Washington. He mastered the routine and details of every executive department, delegated power with great reluctance, and called for frequent and full accountings.

“While Polk’s contemporaries and biographers have given him full credit for determination and scrupulous honesty in personal affairs, they have also recognized a certain indirection or deviousness in his political methods .From his earliest days in the House, Polk was a ‘good hater.’ [And] beginning in August 1845, he kept a diary of his discussions and reactions. One cannot be sure that he was completely frank, even with himself, but Polk’s record brings the historian closer to the Arcanum of presidential policymaking that is his usual lot.”

John Seigenthaler:

“Had he lived a century later, it is not unlikely that Polk, like Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon, would have tape-recorded his White House conversations to make certain that there was preserved an accurate record by which history could fairly judge him .

“For all the color and excitement the daily log brings to an understanding of his presidency, Polk, paradoxically, must be read as a brooding and humorless man. He wrote with effortless clarity and opinionated candor that revealed the shadowed side of a conflicted personality. Sometimes he presents himself as demanding to the point of unreasonableness, self-righteous to the point of paranoia. There are moments as he vents his anger or frustration, when the emotional release almost seems therapeutic.”

From historian Douglas G. Brinkley and the book “Presidential Leadership,” edited by James Taranto and Leonard Leo:

“As a biographical figure, Polk is not that appealing. A straitlaced Methodist who never had children, Polk forbade drinking and dancing in the White House. His advocacy of temperance, in fact, caused Sam Houston to quip that the only thing wrong with Polk was that he drank too much water.

“But as anyone who has read the massive ‘Diaries of James K. Polk’ can attest, he was not a man to be taken lightly. Short in stature, Polk early on garnered a political reputation for relentless courage, forthrightness, and toughness, winning the nickname ‘Napoleon of the Stump’ for his slightly arrogant, no-nonsense demeanor. He was also called ‘Young Hickory’ for carrying on principles laid out by ‘Old Hickory,’ Andrew Jackson.

“As president, Polk outshone even his own impressive resume, becoming one of our strongest and most independent-minded chief executives ever. Although he won the election of 1844 by a narrow margin, Polk never doubted his roaring mandate to govern. President Polk faced a divided Democratic Party and might therefore have chosen the more pragmatic strategy of political compromise. Instead, however, the eleventh president entered office with a clearly defined agenda that focused on restructuring the country’s financial system and expanding the western reaches of the nation.”

So let’s start out by examining the Oregon issue. Douglas Brinkley:

“During the campaign of 1844, Polk ran on a nationalistic platform that stressed the procurement of Oregon Territory as far north as latitude 54 degrees 40 minutes. [Ed. the Alaskan panhandle then currently owned by Russia.] One of Polk’s campaign slogans was ‘Fifty-four Forty or Fight!’”

John Seigenthaler:

“On his first day as president, Polk laid a stated claim on the vast and boundless territory of the great Northwest. ‘Our title to the country of Oregon is clear and unquestionable,’ he declared at his inaugural. His subsequent message to Congress called for the federal government to provide protection for the stream of settlers threading their way toward the northern Pacific coast. They had heard the call of ‘Manifest Destiny’ – and clearly the spirit of western expansion moved Polk to action. The Oregon land, by treaty, was all under the joint control of the United States and Great Britain (since 1818).”

Polk wanted a lion’s share of it. London heard war drums in the distance. Polk then sent his secretary of state James Buchanan to suggest the forty-ninth parallel as a final border between the U.S. and Canada. England wanted everything north of the Columbia River, which would have excluded present-day Washington State. Polk was ready for a fight.

“The only way to treat John Bull was to look him straight in the eye,” he said. “[If] Congress faltered or hesitated in their course, John Bull would immediately become arrogant and more grasping in his demands.”

Congress authorized termination of the treaty on April 23, 1846. Britain, however, wasn’t spoiling for a fight and with a growing crisis with Mexico, Polk accepted the forty-ninth parallel and the United States picked up all of Oregon, Washington and parts of Wyoming and Idaho as the Senate ratified the agreement with the British, June 15, 1846.

Now Polk’s feud with his secretary of state Buchanan escalated. Buchanan wanted to tell France and Britain that the U.S. had no desire to seize California. Polk, of course, had spelled out in the beginning of his administration that he wanted to do so.

The United States had annexed Texas in June 1845 and it was admitted to the Union as the 28th state on December 29 of that year, but Mexico began to prepare to retake it. Polk preferred diplomacy to war, though, and in November of ’45, diplomat John Slidell [Ed. a New Orleans native if you were wondering] was sent to Mexico to offer forty million dollars for Upper California, New Mexico, and the Rio Grande as a boundary for Texas, but the Mexican government refused to see him.

Polk, somewhat reluctantly, then assigned generals Winfield Scott and Zachary Taylor to Texas. Both were Whigs and harbored presidential aspirations.

By April 1846, Polk and his generals were expecting an attack. On April 24, mounted Mexican soldiers ambushed one of Taylor’s scout parties on the “Texas side” of the Rio Grande, killing eleven. [Another source I read said 16. And then a third said three. Geezuz, historians, get your freakin’ facts straight.]

Well, it was as if Polk almost wanted this to happen. Zachary “Old Rough and Ready” Taylor sprang into action. Now remember, communication wasn’t that great back then and by the time President Polk learned of the April 24 incident, it was May 9 and Congress declared war four days later. But by this time Taylor had not only crossed the Rio Grande with 2,000 men, he had seized Mattamoras and, outnumbered two to one, had won bloody battles at Palo Alto and Resaca de la Palma. Taylor lost 170 men. The Mexicans 800 (killed and wounded).

By September, Taylor had taken Monterrey, and then, ignoring Polk’s order to stay there, Taylor routed the Mexicans at Buena Vista, even though he was outnumbered four to one. The U.S. suffered 650 casualties and the Mexicans over 1,600 (plus another 1,800 missing). Taylor had become a huge war hero.

But despite Taylor’s victories, Polk still wanted diplomacy to play a role in acquiring New Mexico and California. From Michael Beschloss’ “The Presidents”:

“To increase his chances of diplomatic success, Polk agreed to enlist the services of the defeated former Mexican dictator Santa Anna, who was in exile in Cuba. A man of astonishing duplicity [Ed. Santa Anna would have been a Bar Chat “Dirtball of the Year”], Santa Anna was anxious to regain power in Mexico. By Polk’s order the Mexican general was to be afforded safe conduct through the American blockade and, having resecured his place in the Mexican government, was expected to cooperate with the United States in negotiating a settlement. In the meantime, he would supply the Americans with military advice. On August 16, 1846, Santa Anna arrived in Veracruz and, in a classic double-cross, immediately condemned any attempt to negotiate with the United States. Within a month he was back in uniform, and before the end of the year, he was elected president of Mexico and had pledged to drive the Americans back on all fronts.”

Polk now opted to invade Mexico from the sea and by March 1847, General Winfield Scott took Veracruz and headed inland, reaching Mexico City by mid-September. Santa Anna fled, renounced his presidency, and two months later the Mexican interim government launched negotiations. The United States ended up paying Mexico $15 million for New Mexico and Upper California, plus the assumption of $3 million in American citizens’ claims against Mexico. On March 10, 1848, the Senate ratified the treaty by a vote of 38 to 14.

But you may be surprised to learn that there was quite an anti-war sentiment in the United States in those days, and it’s why Polk would leave office an unpopular figure.

John Seigenthaler:

“Abraham Lincoln, the young congressman from Illinois, argued on the House floor that the blood was spilled on ‘disputed’ territory. Certainly the territory was disputed. Texas claimed it; Mexico did as well. In fact, the Mexican government had never recognized the Republic of Texas.”

Whig opposition in 1846 was grounded “in growing public disenchantment with the costs and casualties of conflict . After twenty months, Congressman Lincoln said of Polk, ‘As to the end, he himself has [not] even an imaginary conception.’”

Almost 13,000 Americans died in the Mexican War, 11,000 from disease, accidents, and noncombat causes, and more than 1,700 from battle wounds.

For Whig John Quincy Adams, “Pain over the loss of life and treasure added to a building sentiment of moral outrage as more people came to the view of those early dissenters: war fought solely for expansionist aims was ethically indefensible.”

Adams collapsed and died on the House floor on February 23, 1848, and never saw ratification of the treaty ending the war.

And there were other famous words of protest resulting from the conflict, such as Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” and James Russell Lowell’s “Bigelow Papers.” Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The United States will conquer Mexico, but it will be as the man swallows arsenic. Mexico will poison us.”

John Seigenthaler:

“In the angry heat that followed the first American bloodshed, the declaration of war passed the House by an overpowering margin of 174 to 14. In January 1848, however, the House, by a vote of 82 to 81, denounced the conflict as ‘a war unnecessarily and unconstitutionally begun by the President of the United States.’

Seigenthaler also has this interesting take on Lincoln’s anti-war rhetoric.

“The irony is that some of what Lincoln said also came to cause him discomfort when he was in the White House. ‘Any people anywhere,’ he declared in defense of Texas’ (prior) armed revolution, ‘have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing government, and form one that suits them better.’ It was a right he later would deny existed for the Confederate States of America. In fact, his pacific views on Polk’s war also would put him at sharp odds with the theory of anticipatory self-defense espoused by America’s forty-third president, George W. Bush, as a justification of his plans to invade Iraq. Polk had no right to send Taylor into Mexico, Lincoln declared. ‘Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion and you allow him to make war at pleasure.’”

Historian Paul Johnson weighs in with his “A History of the American People.”

“(It) is difficult to conjure up the contempt felt by most Americans in the 1840s for the way Mexico was governed, or misgoverned, the endless coups and pronunciamentos, the intermittent and exceedingly cruel and often bloody civil conflicts, and the general insecurity of life and property. It made moral as well as economic and political sense for the civilized United States to wrest as much territory as possible from the hands of Mexico’s greedy and irresponsible rulers.”

And so in the end, Polk had achieved all he set out to, yet he had one more triumph as his term in office wound down. On December 5, 1848, he gave his last annual message to Congress, at which time he announced that gold had been discovered in California. “The revelation gave impetus to westward movement, and within months the gold rush was on.” [Beschloss]

But there remained the issue of slavery, and on this Polk said, “In the eyes of the world and of posterity how trivial and insignificant will be all our internal divisions and struggles compared with the preservation of this Union of the States in all its vigor and with all its countless blessings! No patriot would foment and excite geographical and sectional divisions. No lover of his country would deliberately calculate the value of the Union.”

But when Congress adjourned in 1848, the territorial issue was left unanswered, to be put off for another day.

Polk was anxious to get out of town, but his final days were tiring as he met with countless well-wishers. By the time he started his journey home to Tennessee, by way of Mobile and New Orleans, he appeared far older than his fifty-three years. He was ill the entire month-long trip to Nashville. On June 15, 1849, James Polk was dead.

John Seigenthaler:

“Polk left office with no iconic image, no host of hero-worshippers, no hordes of admirers sated with his charisma. If his administration approached ‘greatness,’ it was on the basis of performance alone.

“Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., has compared Polk’s standing among presidents with that of Harry Truman: ‘Neither Polk nor Truman was one of those creative presidents who make the nation look at things in a new way.  But both had the intelligence and courage to accept the challenge of history. History might have broken them, as it broke Buchanan and Hoover. Instead it forced them, not into personal greatness, but into the performance of great things.’

“He did great things. That is a powerful epitaph.”

Stuff 

–In saying the Yankees should sign his client, Johnny Damon, to a new four-year contract, agent Scott Boras compared Damon to Derek Jeter. Not quite, Scottie. [I forgot Damon made $13 million a year for the past four seasons under his expiring contract. These figures are starting to bother me again.] 

—Sammy Sosa, reacting to reports he is bleaching his skin, said the lightening is the result of a facial cosmetic cream. 

“It’s a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some. I’m not a racist, I live my life happily.” 

For crying out loud, you creep. You look like a poor wax version of yourself from Madame Tussaud’s.  

–The Wall Street Journal’s Reed Albergotti and Shirley S. Wang had a story on Wednesday about the plethora of head injuries in football these days and how one potential solution is to take away the helmet. While football attempts to come up with a better helmet, “The problem is that there’s nothing any helmet could do to stop the brain from taking lots of small hits,” an important point since it’s not just the high-profile hits that result in a concussion; the fact is, as Miami Dolphins offensive tackle Jake Long says, “(On) almost every single play, you’re going to get hit in the head.” Interesting. 

“One of the strongest arguments for banning helmets comes from the Australian Football League. While it’s a similarly rough game, the AFL never added any of the body armor Americans wear. When comparing AFL research studies and official NFL injury reports, AFL players appear to get hurt more often on the whole with things like shoulder injuries and tweaked knees. But when it comes to head injuries, the helmeted NFL players are about 25% more likely to sustain one. 

“Andrew McIntosh, a researcher at Australia’s University of New South Wales who analyzed videotape, says there may be a greater prevalence of head injuries in the American game because the players hit each other with forces up to 100% greater. ‘If they didn’t have helmets on, they wouldn’t do that,’ he says. ‘They know they’d injure themselves.’” 

–The Journal’s David Biderman had a blurb on former Kansas City running back Larry Johnson, who was released this week for conduct detrimental to the franchise. 

“Mr. Johnson appears to be joining Ki-Jana Carter, D.J. Dozier, Blair Thomas and Curtis Ennis as former Nittany Lion stars who’ve flopped in the NFL. Before that group, Penn State backs were actually good – Franco Harris and Curt Warner combined for 18,964 yards.” 

Mr. Biderman should have included the great Lydell Mitchell, another Penn State back, who chalked up 6,534 yards rushing and caught 376 passes in the NFL. Mitchell was the first real dual back, if I recall, as the passing game changed in the early 1970s to incorporate the screen pass more heavily. 

Mitchell and Harris, incidentally, were the running back tandem at Penn State from 1969-71. Harris gained 643, 675, and 684 yards those three seasons, while Mitchell had 616, 751, and 1,567 (4th in the nation in ’71…behind Ed Marinaro, Robert Newhouse and Greg Pruitt). 

And get this, as I scan “The USA TODAY College Football Encyclopedia” by Bob Boyles and Paul Guido, the 1971 Heisman Trophy vote: 

Pat Sullivan, QB, Auburn…1597
Ed Marinaro, RB, Cornell…1445
Greg Pruitt, RB, Oklahoma…586
Johnny Musso, RB, Alabama…385 [one of my all-time favs]
Lydell Mitchell, RB, Penn State…251 

*Nebraska’s great Johnny Rodgers, the best college football player I ever saw (at least from that era) was a junior and consensus 1st-team All-America at wide receiver (along with Auburn’s Terry Beasley). [The running backs were Marinaro, Pruitt, and Musso.] 

Anyway, it was 1972 that Rodgers then took the Heisman, with Pruitt falling short yet again. 

And get this, kids. Back in those days you were lucky to see 2, maximum 3 games a week on the tube. College football fans got fired up in particular over these five key matchups each year: 

Texas-Oklahoma, Oklahoma-Nebraska, Ohio State-Michigan, USC-Notre Dame, and USC-UCLA, [Edy Williams once famously exposing herself at this latter one, 1972, right Steve G.?] 

Actually, back to Larry Johnson, one can hardly say he “flopped,” as Mr. Biderman offers. I mean L.J. is a primo jerk and a-hole but he has rushed for 5,996 yards in his career, including back-to-back 1,750-yard campaigns, 2005-06. 

–USA TODAY had a story on the rise in college football coaching salaries. For example: 

And assistants are paid well, topped by Tennessee’s Monte Kiffin (father of head coach Lane) who has a $1.2 million salary this year (plus mega-bonuses and the use of two cars) as the defensive coordinator of a 5-4 team. 

Five schools are paying their assistants an average of more than $300,000, including Alabama, Tennessee and LSU. 

Bobby Bowden’s heir apparent, Jimbo Fisher, is making $629,000 this season at Florida State. 

I would say that when it comes to assistants, though, this is one tough job. You’re always in danger of losing your spot and having to scramble for one elsewhere. At least most big head coaches at one point or another receive a guaranteed contract that sets them up for life regardless of how they actually do on the gridiron. 

–In Division I-AA, it’s the big game of the year, Saturday…Appalachian State vs. Elon to decide the Southern Conference Championship and a number one seed in the upcoming playoffs, no doubt. It’s also a matchup of two superstars. Elon receiver Terrell Hudgins and App State’s awesome QB, Armanti Edwards. Wish I was at this one. 

[I thought my buddy Phil W. was going to attend, he being an App State groupie, but instead he told me he was going to be working on the sidelines of a certain college game, calling the TV timeouts…Phil dabbling in such things to get a free sideline pass. I can’t name the contest because I need to protect him. Major security concerns when it comes to Phil W. and his entourage.] 

–21-year-old Joe Cada became the youngest Main Event winner of the World Series of Poker, besting Maryland logger Darvin Moon. 

Cada went all in with a pair of 9s as his hole cards. Moon had a queen and a jack. 

–The December issue of Runner’s World has a classic photo of Jim Ryun becoming the first high-schooler to break 4-minutes in the mile, May 15, 1965, as Ryun turned a 3:58.3. What’s startling about the picture is that it’s literally a dirt track. I mean you can see the footprints. Not exactly a surface like you’d see today. [The track at Hayward Field, Univ. of Oregon, is so perfect you feel like hopping the fence and just running on it.] So I’m thinking Ryun’s high school effort just could be the greatest of all time given the conditions. 

[Others may point to Abebe Bikila winning two Olympic golds in the Marathon, barefoot. Which reminds me…which Olympian is perhaps the first, and most egregious, abuser of performance-enhancing drugs, or similar acts (aside from all the East German she-men swimmers and a bunch of weightlifters)? Finland’s Lasse Viren, who won double golds in the 5000 and 10000 meters in both the 1972 and ’76 Olympics, seemingly effortlessly, but it was only later we learned Lasse had been blood-doping!] 

–I’m opening up the December file to insert the name of Joe Jackson, Michael’s father, for “Dirtball of the Year.” Joe, you’ll recall, was omitted from Michael’s will, with all of the gloved one’s assets going to his mother, his children and children’s charities. Joe Jackson is contesting the will. 

–So Johnny Mac and I were looking at the 0-8 New Jersey Nets (thru Wed.) and we feel like we can field a squad that could beat them. 

Johnny, at 6’5”, would be the center; Trader George, 5’10”, and yours truly, 5’11”, would be the forwards; and Trader George’s athletically gifted daughters, Nicki and Brittany, would comprise the backcourt. 

Johnny has major leg problems but that wouldn’t matter as Nicki and Brittany just dump it into him while Trader George and I pick up loose scraps and try to trip the Nets without getting caught. Nicki and Brittany would also steal the Nets blind. 

Final score…StocksandNews 102 Nets 81…as Johnny goes off for 58 and Nicki and Brittany combine for 42, draining 14 threes. I hit a last second heave for my two points and Trader George goes scoreless but collects 29 rebounds. Nets coach Lawrence Frank is then fired immediately after the contest and is diagnosed with severe depression four days later. 

“Can’t we just send the Washington Redskins back, like an unsavory turkey club sandwich?…. 

“Mostly we’re just fatigued by how much attention this miserable franchise gets…. 

“Worn down, Washington fans would accept just about any change these days. Except, maybe, Eric Mangini.” 

–Robert Enke, the man regarded as the number one goalkeeper of the German national football team, committed suicide by jumping off a railway bridge into the path of a train. His fellow players believed that Enke was suffering from depression. No kidding. What’s sickening is that he has a two-year-old daughter who is sick and he and his wife had recently adopted a baby daughter. 

Goalkeepers are often blamed for a team’s losses and the issue of mental illness among them is under study. 

“A teenage boy survived by shooting dead a charging polar bear after getting stranded on a chunk of drifting Arctic ice for three nights off Canada. 

“Jupi Angootealuk, 17, an Inuit, was in hospital last night suffering from severe hypothermia and frostbite to his legs and feet after being rescued by Canadian paratroopers. 

“He was spotted on the ice on Monday yards from the carcass of the polar bear, which was surrounded by her two cubs.” 

But what a story. “Jupi had gone polar bear hunting with his uncle on sea ice near their home in Coral Harbor at the mouth of Canada’s Hudson Bay when their snowmobile broke down on Friday. 

“The two men set out to walk the 11 miles to their tiny town to get help but the sea ice broke up and they became separated…. 

“On Saturday the two lost sight of each other as the ice sheets drifted apart. Locals found their abandoned snowmobile about six miles from town and launched a rescue party.” 

So, do you think there’s a movie here? It’s a layup. I’d write Megan Fox into the script as the psycho Inuit temptress for a little side story and enough, you know, stuff, to warrant an ‘R’ rating. 

—Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, now 62, announced on Monday that he was battling a rare form of leukemia. Turns out he was diagnosed about 11 months ago but the deeply private man decided to come forward now to get the message across that “this condition is treatable.” 

Treatable? Heck, Kareem would be starring on the Knicks this year if the team would only offer him a contract. But nooooo….Knicks management is opting to play out the string and wait on LeBron instead. 

—Carl Ballantine died. He was 92. I saw a picture of him and thought, ‘What did he star in?’ He looked so familiar. Well it was “McHale’s Navy,” of course; Ballantine playing seaman Lester Gruber. 

But Ballantine was also a stand-up comic who worked an incompetent magician angle into his routine and it was the latter that influenced none other than Steve Martin. And as I’m typing this up, the memories of Ballantine are suddenly flooding back. [My brain requires jump-starting these days.] 

“Onstage he was a rapid-fire jokester, an instinctive commentator on his own actions, the verbal repartee as much a part of his act as the rope ends that refused to rejoin, the rabbits that refused to materialize from a top hat, the bodies that refused to levitate on command.” 

“Carl Ballantine influenced not only myself but a generation of magicians and comedians. His was also the most copied act by a host of amateurs and professionals.” 

No funeral was held. Instead, his daughter, Saratoga, told the L.A. Times her father “wanted his ashes scattered over Santa Anita racetrack. He loved the ponies.” As you can see from the name he gave his daughter. Neat story. A life well lived. 

–Boy, I’m conflicted on Andre Agassi and his revelations, as exposed in his memoir “Open.” But my bottom line is he’s a disgrace for trashing his sport and in doing so dragging down others. It’s not fair to them. 

–What’s this? Another issue of Men’s Health in your editor’s mailbox? George Motz has a piece on the best hamburgers and now I’m hungry as hell. 

Number one…the Hickory Burger at the Apple Pan restaurant in Los Angeles (10801 W. Pico Blvd.) Prior to having one here, Mr. Motz “had never really considered the burger’s potential for greatness.” That all changed one night at the Apple Pan. 

The Hickory Burger “is presented in the classic West Coast style, wrapped in waxed paper and slapped down onto the counter in front of you without a plate. It starts as fresh ground beef that was made into a patty that day and cooked on a flattop griddle. It is then served on a toasty white squishy bun, along with an enormous wedge of crisp iceberg lettuce, pickles, mayo, and a thick slice of Tillamook cheddar. To this pile of heaven a dollop of a proprietary, tangy special sauce is added.” 

I’m drooling. Give me a moment to clean up….

The fried-onion burger, Sid’s Diner, El Reno, Oklahoma (300 S. Choctaw Ave.) 

Juicy Lucy, Matt’s Bar, Minneapolis (3500 Cedar Ave., S.) 

–Uh oh…according to the New York Daily News, “Kate Hudson is reportedly pushing Yankee boy toy Alex Rodriguez to elope. But the notorious party hound isn’t ready to put a ring on it. As A-Rod and the Bombers celebrated their World Series win at 10AK in Manhattan last weekend, a spy tells the site Hudson ‘left in a huff without saying goodbye.’” 

–And Jennifer Aniston is supposedly back with John Mayer. You can do better, Jen! 

“New warning on ‘perfect vaginas’” 

—Britney Spears is getting a hard time from the Aussie press during her extensive tour there over lip-synching. Bar Chat sides with Ms. Spears on this one, seeing as she’s bouncing all over the place, flying through the air, you know…it’s not exactly like sitting in a studio. 

Fergie commented on reports that hubby Josh Duhamel slept with a stripper, Josh having called the story “absolutely ridiculous.” Fergie believes in monogamy, telling The Advocate: “I’ve had a lot of fun with women, and I’m not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man. But just because I enjoy women doesn’t mean I’m allowed to have affairs in my relationship. I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even it it’s with girls, so there is a rule there.” 

I won’t go through all the ten worst, as picked by Army Times, but No. 5 is Pearl Harbor. “We have nothing against Ben Affleck or Josh Hartnett, and we certainly have nothing against Kate Beckinsale, but we don’t think a sordid display of their love triangle belongs in the same story as the fateful attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.” Rambo’s First Blood was No. 4. No. 1 was 2003’s Basic, starring John Travolta. 

–Ken Griffey Jr., who turns 40 in ten days, has agreed to come back for one more year in Seattle. 

–Jim Farber / New York Daily News 

“ ‘The Circle’ arrives at a pivotal time in Bon Jovi’s career. It’s the band’s first CD since they toasted the 25th anniversary of their very first release – which means, yes folks, Bon Jovi is now eligible to enter into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 

“That may sound inconceivable to some, but the band’s new album makes clear that goal stands hard in their sights. ‘The Circle’ reads as nothing so much as a finely honed audition tape for induction, with every song seemingly drawn from the ‘How to Become a Serious Rock Band’ handbook. 

“Banished are the band’s jokey styles of old…In their stead, we get nonstop, brow-furrowing odes to ‘faith,’ ‘hope’ and ‘redemption,’ each framed by the band members’ growing awareness of mortality. 

“Eagerly, the guys play elder statesmen, whether through disingenuous odes to their receding youth (‘When We Were Beautiful’) or through more than one entreaty to the young that they ‘live before you die.’ There’s also plenty of darkly intoned talk about financial hardship, broken promises, and the honor and toil of ‘the working man.’ 

“Should all those themes not get you thinking of a certain other star from New Jersey, not to mention a fairly well-known band from Ireland, don’t worry, the music surely will. 

“Wide swaths of the sound mimic the pinging guitars of U2’s broadest anthems. Other parts reference the kinds of theatrical piano chords favored by the world’s most famous Bruce…. 

“All these stances and steals aren’t new to Bon Jovi. They’ve angled to be seen as a classic rock band many times before, despite their more convincing roots in the lost world of hair metal. But only ‘The Circle’ brings that ambition to each and every track.” 

Ouch. But you know, I couldn’t agree more. By the time Bon Jovi came along, I was out of college and ensconced in oldies, with an occasional foray into country. Basically, in the opinion of your editor, music has sucked the past 20 years, save for U2, Bruce and a few others. When you live in the New Jersey area, though, it’s hard to avoid Jon Bon Jovi in particular. He’s a good enough guy, but the music is eh. 

“As to whether such color-by-numbers profundities will help get Bon Jovi into the Hall of Fame, let’s just say it didn’t hurt Billy Joel.” 

Oh, c’mon. Billy Joel’s work is superior to Bon Jovi’s. It’s not even close. 

“The boys are at it again. Not unlike their late ‘70s cocaine-fueled feuds, Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler and guitarist Joe Perry are once again talking some serious trash about each other and threatening to break up the band. Let’s hope the threat is real – Aerosmith, to borrow one of its album titles, needs to take a ‘Permanent Vacation’ and make it stick. 

“Sorry AeroForceOne fans, but the Aerosmith that re-emerged on the musical scene in 1987 has done nothing but destroy the reputation of the iconic classic rock band of the 1970s that went by the same name. Admit it. 

“The heights to which Aerosmith have soared commercially in the last 20-plus years have been matched only by the depths it has plummeted to creatively. ‘Janie’s Got a Gun’ is one of the band’s biggest hits, but it’s got nothing on ‘Toys in the Attic.’   When you listen to earlier albums like ‘Rocks’ and ‘Get Your Wings’ and follow it up with recent efforts like ‘Get a Grip’ and ‘Just Push Play,’ it makes you wish the band would start doing some serious drugs again.” 

Top 3 songs for the week 11/13/76: #1 “Tonight’s The Night” (Rod Stewart) #2 “Disco Duck” (Rick Dees & His Cast Of Idiots) #3 “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” (Gordon Lightfoot…this tune just droned on and on and on…)…and…#4 “Love So Right” (Bee Gees) #5 “Muskrat Love” (Captain & Tennille) #6 “Rock’n Me” (Steve Miller) #7 “If You Leave Me Now” (Chicago) #8 “Just To Be Close To You” (Commodores…great one…big slow dance tune in college…ahem ahem) #9 “The Rubberband Man” (Spinners) #10 “Do You Feel Like We Do” (Peter Frampton) 

College Football Quiz Answers: 1) Scott Hunter threw for 484 yards in 1969 vs. Auburn. 2) Gene Stallings was ‘Bama’s coach in 1992. 3) Danny White quarterbacked ASU from 1971-73. 4) Lou Holtz coached Arkansas in 1982 when they finished No. 9 in the final AP poll, the last time they’ve been in the Top Ten. 5) Darren McFadden rushed for 321 yards against South Carolina in 2007. 6) In 1996, Army went 10-2, including a 32-29 loss to Auburn in the Independence Bowl, with the Black Knights finishing 10-2. Bob Sutton was coach. That is also the last time they finished .500 or better.