Woods Screws Tour

Woods Screws Tour

NFL Quiz: 1) Who holds the all-time mark for average gain per reception, career? [200 receptions]…think 1960s. 2) Who is No. 2, initials B.D.? [think 50s-60s…this is very hard] 3) Who is the only player in NFL history to lead the league in interceptions three seasons? [think 1980s] Answers below. 

Tiger, part XX 

The story is winding down into a new phase as the pipeline of Tiger Babes appears to have dried up, but I have to complete the tale.  To those who don\’t like it, just remember the news is what it is, and these days I’m just happy the papers and tabloids are selling.  Maybe that means some folks get to keep their jobs. 

Raoul Felder, a celebrity divorce attorney, said that Elin would be “financially ill-advised” to walk out on Woods for good. With Elin evidently 100% set on divorce and in line to receive in excess of $100 million, Felder said “that if she divorced her husband now, she would only be entitled under Florida law to the sum agreed to in the pre-nuptial agreement before the couple married in 2004 – believed to be $20 million. Woods would also have to pay child support,” as reported by the Irish Independent. Elin’s reps are working on a post-nup for an additional $55 million. 

Felder says, “If she left now, she would only get the pre-nup deal. You normally don’t get extra reparations for adultery or humiliation.” 

For her part, Elin realizes Tiger is not about to change, “divorce is 100% on,” but according to a source, “She’s going to take her sweet time. She wants all the dirty laundry to be out on the table before she signs anything.” [New York Daily News] 

Tiger Bits and Bytes 

No surprise that it’s now being reported Tiger’s mother, Kutilda, is “hurt, angry and disappointed in Tiger [and] wants to know how he could do this to his family.” Of course Earl Woods cheated on Kutilda, that was always known, but the interesting dynamic here is that she really likes Elin. 

From the New York Post’s Page Six 

“Tiger Woods used to enjoy going to topless bars, but he always pretended he was a wide-eyed innocent who’d never seen a stripper before, sources say. Before his fateful Thanksgiving car crash, Woods made regular trips to Scores whenever he was in town, according to the mammary mecca’s former manager, Tony Lombardi. The golf great was able to appear like a shy ‘virgin to strip clubs,’ Lombardi said…. 

“Tiger’s protectors include his gruff caddy, Steve Williams…His agent at IMG, Mark Steinberg, helped kill a National Enquirer story about his alleged romps with pancake-house hostess Mindy Lawsom by offering Woods as a cover to sister publication Men’s Fitness. 

“While out of town, Woods was careful not to approach any potential conquests himself, preferring to let a member of his entourage make the introduction…. 

“Tiger benefited from an industrywide reluctance to whisper about wealthy customers – an omerta policy.” 

Mike Lupica / New York Daily News 

“How do you suppose Mark Steinberg – Tiger’s snippy agent – is feeling about his own personal job security these days?” 

And… 

“One more thing…If (Tiger’s) sponsorship with Accenture was supposed to be such a big deal for it and a crushing loss for it – how come I have no idea after all these years what Accenture DOES?” 

Tiger was voted PGA Tour Player of the Year for a 10th time. 

And did you see this whole Jessica Simpson / Star magazine flap? I’m tellin’ ya, if I’m Jessica I’m super pissed…as she is. It’s outrageous that the Star put her on the cover with a photo showing Tiger having his arm around her waist, linking the two, but the Star omitted a third person in the real photo…Tony Romo! It was nothing more than a friendly shot, Romo having played in a pro-am at Woods’ tournament in Bethesda, Md. But the Star cropped him out. So you go, Jessica. Take ‘em to the cleaners. 

Tag Heuer dropped Tiger. Heck, I like a watch with just one face. I don’t need like sixteen little faces giving me splits on splits. Like what’s the freakin’ point? 

Padraig Harrington: “I’m amazed by the fact that I’m out on tour and knew nothing – I’m beginning to think I must have my head in a hole, or something like that. Seemingly, nobody knew anything and that just amazes me.” 

Harrington is staggered by it all…Woods’ “triple life – golf, home and when he was away.” 

“Imagine trying to manage that. I told two lies to my wife the other day after I’d received a phone call about her Christmas present. I couldn’t say who the person was because the surprise would be given away. I wouldn’t say I felt guilty but I was brutal at it.” [Irish Independent] 

Alan Shipnuck / Sports Illustrated 

“Woods’ sport may not come out so unscathed. Long-term sponsorship deals signed in advance of the economic downturn have allowed the Tour to keep its schedule largely intact, but going forward there are an ominous number of sponsor-less events, including the San Diego stop in late January at which Woods was supposed to make his season debut. Depressed television ratings in his absence won’t help attract sponsors, and the Tour’s position is weakened as it begins negotiations with the networks for the next TV deal, due to begin in 2012. As one anonymous pro recently lamented, ‘He screwed all of us too.’ 

“Over the last 13 years Woods has remade golf in his own iconic image, along the way peddling himself as a keeper of the game’s values: honor, integrity, playing by the rules, that kind of blather. Woods will eventually return to competition, but when he does, golf – and its best player – will have to be sold in an entirely different way.” 

Gene Wojciechowski / ESPN.com 

“We wanted to believe in his perfection, and Woods let us. He was a willing accomplice who perpetuated the myth, even though he knew the image didn’t match the reality. It almost never does. 

“When we finally saw Woods as a real person, it was at his shocking worst: the Athlete of the Decade passed out, snoring on the ground in the aftermath of a wee-hour car accident…or on a voice mail to one of his mistresses, calculatingly and yet naively trying to cover the spike marks of his deceit. 

“So now he is gone, both literally and figuratively. The world’s most famous athlete has disappeared. He was once a prisoner of his success. Now he is a prisoner of his personal failures…. 

“How many times will we get burned by corporate – and, yes, media – image inventions before we learn? 

“Mark McGwire…fraud.
 
“Sammy Sosa…fraud.
 
“Barry Bonds…fraud.
 
“Roger Clemens…fraud.
 
“Alex Rodriguez…liar.
 
“I could keep going. The list is as long as a Wrigley Field bathroom line. 

“Woods is the latest name on the disgraced sports hero time line. His descent is stunning because we never saw it coming. The Ice Man melteth…. 

“Meanwhile, Woods vows to learn from his mistakes. We should do the same.
 
“Hero worship will never be the same. And shouldn’t.”
 
Stuff
 
College Football 

–Congrats to Villanova for its great victory over powerful Montana in the Division I-AA title game. The Wildcats were led by Matt Szczur’s 159 yards rushing on 14 carries, as well as four receptions for 68 and a couple touchdowns. But as Mike Lupica of the Daily News points out, that’s only part of the story for this potential NFL player. Szczur is donating bone marrow to a 15-month-old girl he does not even know. Oh, and he could also play professional baseball should he so choose. 

Bowl Watch…for those who really, really care…as opposed to the rest of us who will catch about five of the 34 games, max. [No, I didn’t watch any of Rutgers-Central Florida.] 

Since 2004-05 season, how the conferences have fared.
 
Pac-10…18-9 bowl record
Mountain West…14-7
Southeastern…25-13
Big 12…21-17
Big East…15-10
Conference USA…13-15
ACC…18-22…ughh
Western Athletic…8-12
Sun Belt…3-5
Big Ten…12-23…yikes
Independents…3-6
Mid-American…4-15
 
–John Feinstein / Sporting News 

“College football at the highest level is the only sport where you can be undefeated and not allowed to compete for a championship. This year, it happened to TCU, Boise State and Cincinnati. Those three teams may or may not be better than Alabama and Texas.  We’ll never know – because the BCS won’t allow us to know. The BCS bullies are so arrogant that, when forced to let two unwanted guests into their money-pit party this bowl season, they shunted them to play each other in the Fiesta Bowl. They were not about to give TCU and Boise State the chance to compete for the national title or, for that matter, play a team from a BCS conference. 

“Why? Simple: Utah over Alabama, Boise State over Oklahoma, Utah over Pittsburgh. Four non-BCS schools received BCS bowl bids in the past five years – and that’s only because Congress threatened to investigate the BCS cartel if it didn’t give the little guys some access – and three of them won.” 

But even Cincy got screwed. 

“Cincinnati beat Pitt to preserve its unbeaten season in one of the best games you will ever see [ed. I’ll say]. On to the championship game. What a story. 

“Um, no, not exactly, it’s on to the Sugar Bowl to play a Florida team that just got crushed by Alabama. Win, and everyone will say, ‘Yeah, but Florida didn’t care because it couldn’t win the national championship.’ Congratulations, Bearcats.” 

–The Los Angeles Times’ Bill Plaschke on the ongoing issues concerning the USC football program (let alone the entire athletic department when you examine, for instance, the basketball team as well). 

“Once again, amid the kindling that has become the USC football program, ‘Fight On’ is being drowned out by two other sounds. 

“Cough, cough. 

“More smoke here, strange smoke, scary smoke, stupid smoke, adding to a cloud that ensures the NCAA will keep looking for that illegal burn. 

“Just some kid driving his girlfriend’s car. Just another silly ember that could have been doused with a little more prudence and a little less arrogance…. 

“Here’s the story, so typical, so avoidable. 

Joe McKnight, the Trojans’ star running back, is seen driving a black 2006 Land Rover owned by some sports-nut businessman. The guy, Scott Schenter, says he bought it for McKnight’s girlfriend, who he says is an employee and longtime family friend. 

“Schenter has a history doing business on the periphery of sports, and even once registered the website name 4joemcknight.com, but he has no documented association with McKnight or the university. 

“An innocent relationship, perhaps, but then the story gets weird. 

“First red flag: When asked about the car, McKnight lies and claims he didn’t drive it, even though he has been seen driving it regularly. Why would you lie about driving a car if you didn’t think you were breaking NCAA rules? 

“Second red flag: When asked about the car, Schenter refuses to respond to a flurry of e-mailed questions, then issues a statement only after the Times’ initial story appears Saturday…. 

“The USC football program now leads the nation in recklessness. The sophisticated, NFL-like Trojans are experts on what they do, but appear clueless on who they are. 

“Heisman Trophy winner’s family home? No idea. Star receiver’s rent? What? Star running back’s car? Who? 

“C’mon now. It’s one thing to evade those gumshoes at the NCAA, it’s another thing to insult them…. 

“Reggie Bush embarrassed the university, then ran off to collect millions. 

“McKnight, Bush’s anointed successor, has now also embarrassed the university, which means he undoubtedly will run off this summer to collect his own riches. 

“USC is once again left with all this smoke, and the real fear that one day soon, the smallest of flames will be discovered and the entire foundation will eventually crumble.” 

–Congratulations to Wisconsin-Whitewater for defeating perennial favorite Mount Union in the Division III football championship, 39-28. What a great nickname. W-W is the “Warhawks.” It was also the fifth straight year the two matched up in the title game, which to say the least is remarkable.  Mount Union, the Purple Raiders, won three. 

NFL Review
 
The NFC playoff picture seems set. 

Philadelphia 10-4
Dallas 9-5
Minnesota 11-3
Green Bay 9-5
New Orleans 13-1
Arizona 9-5 

Only the Giants, 7-6 and playing Washington tonight, have a chance at crashing the party. 

But in the AFC…well check this out.
 
New England 9-5
Cincinnati 9-5
Indianapolis 14-0
San Diego 11-3…9 straight…17 straight in December!
 
Then… 

Miami 7-7
Jets 7-7*
Baltimore 8-6
Pittsburgh 7-7…Roethlisberger with 503 yards passing in win over Green Bay
Jacksonville 7-7
Houston 7-7
Tennessee 7-7…incredibly, started 0-6 and now still in it
Denver 8-6 

[More on this logjam next chat.] 

*Two of them get to go, and boy did my Jets blow it, losing at home to Atlanta, 10-7, thanks to a horrible effort on the part of the field goal kicking team. 

The Jets ‘D’ on the other hand remains No. 1 in fewest points and total yards allowed. And they’re 7-7. This is really remarkable. 

BUT I’M TIRED OF BEING A METS AND JETS FAN!!!! [Just shoot me….actually, wait until college basketball season is over, then do it.] 

Dreg Watch 

Detroit 2-12
Tampa Bay 2-12 [but beat Seattle 24-7]
St. Louis 1-13 

–So I don’t get the NFL Network on my cable system and thus had to follow the Saints-Cowboys game on the Net, but you have to wonder how much the 24-17 loss, dropping the Saints from the unbeatens, hurts them. I think it does. A lot. 

–I can’t get too fired up about the Indianapolis Colts’ record 23-game regular season winning streak because there’s a playoff loss in there. 

–Meanwhile, in the Cleveland-Kansas City game, won by the Browns, Joshua Cribbs had 100- and 103-yard kickoff returns in the first half and now has 8 career kick returns for TDs, a new NFL record.  But Browns running back Jerome Harrison, who had carried 88 times this season for 301 yards, suddenly put together the third best effort in NFL history, rushing 34 times for 286 yards, just ten yards behind Adrian Peterson’s record mark and nine behind Jamal Lewis’ 295. Harrison also smashed the team record of 237 done twice by Jim Brown. 

–Under pressure, the NFL has suspended its study on the long-term effects of concussions in retired players due primarily to conflicts of interest and poor statistical sampling. For example, as Alan Schwarz (who deserves an award for his important reporting on the topic) of the New York Times noted: 

“Co-chairman of the league’s committee on concussions, Dr. Ira Casson, was performing every neurological examination while consistently discrediting evidence linking football to cognitive decline and dementia in NFL retirees.” 

As Congresswoman Linda Sanchez said in October during a hearing, “Hey, why don’t we let tobacco companies determine whether smoking is bad for your health or not?” 

Casson had been a member of the NFL’s concussion committee since 1994. 

Troy Aikman, the former quarterback who had his share of concussions, reluctantly commented for Sporting News that the NFL should proceed with caution on head injuries, as in if the league isn’t careful, it could change the game totally. 

“My belief is that when you decide to play football…you are also accepting the inherent risks involved with the profession,” just like someone choosing to be a policeman or fireman. 

But Aikman adds: 

“For years, I’ve said the best way to eliminate head injuries is to take away helmets. Players would be a lot less willing to jump in and stick their heads in if their noggins weren’t protected. 

“I used to say that tongue-in-cheek. But I’m starting to believe that’s a pretty good idea.” 

[Now the NFL is asking players to donate their brains to Boston University for a special research program they will run.  Some players probably need to be reminded this happens after they die, not before, it being rather difficult to function without a brain.]

–The Washington Redskins finally got rid of executive vice president of football operations Vinny Cerrato and replaced him with Bruce Allen, son of George Allen. 

Thomas Boswell / Washington Post: 

“In his 10 years with the Redskins, Cerrato specialized in palace intrigue, mediocre draft picks, disastrous free agent signings and staying just outside of the line of fire. Often he was seen as a mere sidekick enabler for team owner Daniel Snyder, a facilitator for four years for Joe Gibbs and a hatchet man when necessary. So, because he acted innocuous and spoke in easily parodied football clichés, he usually avoided blame.” 

But the story is really about Dan Snyder, a true “Jerk of the Decade” if there ever was one. 

Phil W. passed along a commentary from John Feinstein’s blog. 

“Let me tell you one firsthand story about Snyder. We haven’t gotten along since he bought the team because I was critical of the way he treated people and of his breaking up what had been a pretty good team in 1999, a team that went 10-6 and lost at the buzzer in the conference semifinals to Tampa Bay under Charlie Casserly and Norv Turner. Snyder went out and bought a bunch of over-the-hill big name free agents (Jeff George, Deion Sanders, Bruce Smith) the next offseason and fired Turner with a 7-6 record in 2000. Casserly was already long gone. At last look Turner was 10-3 in San Diego after being ridiculed by people in Washington after his firing. 

“Snyder called me at some point during this period to tell me that I shouldn’t criticize him because (I’m not making this up) he gave a lot of money to Children’s Hospital. I told him I certainly would never criticize him or anyone for giving money to charity, that wasn’t the issue. He continued on, getting angry, demanding to know where the hell I came off criticizing someone who was so charitable. I told him I’d be willing to bet him a lot of money that I’d give a higher percentage of my income to charity than he did and it was STILL a moot point; that if someone didn’t like what I wrote, how much I gave to charity didn’t matter. 

“End of conversation. 

“A few years later I was sitting in a restaurant in Potomac (Maryland) not far from where I live and also not far from where Snyder lives. I was with my ex-wife, sitting in the back when the restaurant manager came over looking a little flustered. 

“ ‘John, Dan Snyder is in here having dinner,’ he said. 

“I shrugged. ‘And?’ I said. 

“ ‘He saw you sitting here. He says he wants to buy you a bottle of wine.’ 

“I really didn’t want to play this game but there was no choice. If I turned the wine down, I’d look ungracious. So, I said to the manager, ‘Tell Mr. Snyder thanks and I’d like to buy his table dessert.’ 

“When he got up to leave, I stopped at the table. Snyder was with his wife and Bennett Zeier and his wife. Zeier was running his radio stations at the time although, like most Snyder employees, he left soon after. 

“ ‘Dan, thanks for the wine,’ I said, shaking hands. ‘That was very gracious of you. I asked Enzo to add your desserts to my tab.’ I turned to Mary and said, ‘I think you’ve met my wife.’ 

“Snyder ignored Mary and said to me, ‘Yeah, I really enjoyed buying wine for someone who has been [expletive] on me for seven years.’ 

“ ‘Hey Dan, if you’ve got any issues with me, I’d be happy to buy you lunch and discuss them. But I don’t think now is the time.’ 

“ ‘No, you wouldn’t, would you? You don’t like it when the tables are turned do you?’ 

“ ‘What tables are turned? Look, here’s my number, call me anytime you want.’ I grabbed some paper from my pocket and wrote down my phone numbers. Before I could hand Snyder the numbers, he had turned on Mary. 

“ ‘How does your husband sleep at night, huh?’ he sneered. ‘Doesn’t he have a conscience? How does he sleep?’ 

“ ‘Actually, he sleeps fine,’ Mary said. 

“At that moment, Zeier, clearly embarrassed, jumped in and asked me about a mutual friend of ours, Rob Ades. He introduced me to the two wives who were pretty much cowering under the table. 

“Snyder plowed through the pleasantries. ‘You have no RIGHT to criticize me,’ he said, pointing a finger. ‘I don’t know who you think you are.’ 

“I held up my hand. Enough was enough. ‘Dan, there are my numbers. Call me. I’ll discuss this in a non-social setting.’ 

“ ‘I don’t call the media,’ he shouted. ‘Why don’t YOU call me?’ 

“ ‘Because, Dan, I don’t have a problem. You do.’ 

“I walked away with Snyder still shouting something at my back. At the front of the restaurant Enzo was waiting with a bottle of wine. ‘Tell Mr. Snyder to keep it,’ I said. 

“I never heard from him. 

“So now he’s finally thrown his pal Cerrato overboard and reeled in Allen with (Mike) Shanahan probably to follow. If nothing else the next chapter should be entertaining to watch. In the meantime, I’m still sleeping fine.” 

–A convicted murderer who pleaded guilty to selling the gun used to kill ex-NFL great Steve McNair was sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison. Adrian Gilliam admitted selling a loaded 9 mm semi-automatic pistol to McNair’s mistress for $100. Good. This should be highly publicized on the street. 

–I don’t care what you thought about Chris Henry as a person, but the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver’s death the other day was the very definition of “tragic.” Frankly, sickening. You can just see how it came down. An argument with his fiancé, she drives off, he hops in the back of the pickup, then falls off, hits his head and dies hours later. It’s a bad movie…as was Henry’s life…but most say he was finally getting his act together. Whether he would really make it all the way back, we’ll never know. 

–Yes, Phil Jackson is the greatest coach in NBA history, if you measure by championships, 10, but I still can’t believe a coach in any sport earns $12 million a year as he does. Jackson is playing his usual mind games these days, saying he’s not sure he’ll return. With huge contract extensions reportedly being offered Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant, Jackson was asked the other day whether he would accept a pay cut. “Why, would you?” he replied. 

–The Knicks actually have a real feel-good story on their roster these days, 7-footer Jonathan Bender, who, due to injuries, hasn’t played in the league for four seasons but came back the other night. Bender is still just 28 and by all accounts is a good guy, having done some great things in New Orleans since his retirement. Unfortunately, his bone-on-bone condition could come back to haunt him at any moment. But for now, as a local reporter noted, in one little stint the other night, he showed more than Eddy Curry has in all his years as a Knick. 

College Basketball Tidbits 

–Some big upsets the other day…USC beat No. 8 Tennessee, 77-55…Richmond beat No. 13 Florida, 56-53…Old Dominion beat No. 11 Georgetown, 61-57…and then No. 2 Texas whipped up on No. 10 North Carolina, 103-90. 

Just a note on this last one. It was played in Cowboys Stadium, the palace that Jerry Jones built, and Jones is hoping 100,000 will fill the place for the coming NBA All-Star Game. My only question is, why would you possibly want to go? 

–Yikes, Bob Knight, speaking at the Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame, taking a shot at Kentucky coach John Calipari

“We’ve gotten into this situation where integrity is really lacking and that’s why I’m glad I’m not coaching. You see we’ve got a coach at Kentucky who put two schools on probation and he’s still coaching. I really don’t understand that.’ 

As Bob Raissman of the Daily News writes: 

“Throwing Calipari into the fire, using him as his personal Yule Log, puts Knight on another planet, a place where former coaches, who yack into an ESPN hoops mike, have never visited. This just in: ESPN college basketball analysts come to every broadcast prepared to kiss the tushes of coaches such as Calipari, Rick (Love Bug) Pitino, Mike Krzyzewski, Roy Williams…the list could go on and on. It once included Knight, the consummate bully…. 

“Knight’s fellow analysts don’t have the onions to step over the line RMK crossed. 

“No one can control Knight. Don’t expect any ESPN suit to have a ‘conversation’ with him.”
 
Meanwhile, some of us want Knight to do a Kentucky game. 

–Local shot putter Nick Vena of Morristown, N.J., now holds the national high school junior class record, 67-8 ¼, breaking a 40-year-old mark. So Vena now holds the freshman, sophomore and junior records. As Ronald Reagan would have said…not bad…not bad at all.  

–As for my alma mater, Summit High School, the final Star-Ledger football top 20 came out this weekend and we finished No. 11 with our 12-0 mark. For a school as small as we are (Group 2, with Group 4 being the largest), that’s a helluva accomplishment. Three years ago we were 0-10, but then we brought in a new coach, John Liberato, and the rest is history.  

–Bill Dwyre of the L.A. Times went to the Arcadia home of legendary horse trainer Bob Baffert the other day to talk shop. I love the description. Visitors are greeted by a 7-year-old boxer, Derby, and in the circular foyer there are paintings of four great thoroughbreds that Baffert has trained…Silver Charm, Real Quiet, War Emblem and Point Given. How cool is that? The first three won the Kentucky Derby, as well as the Preakness. Each lost the Belmont. Point Given didn’t win the Derby, but then went on to win the Preakness and Belmont. 

The point of the story, though, was Baffert’s latest favorite, Lookin At Lucky, who it just so happens won a key race for 2-year-olds, the CashCall Futurity at Hollywood Park, on Saturday. Impressive run, if this is your bag…and as your editor begins an early quest for the Triple Crown winner this country desperately needs. 

That’s Lookin At Lucky, the official 2010 pony of Bar Chat and Johnny Mac. 

–From the High Plains Journal, I learned of Robert and Dorothy Poort of Sedalia, Mo., who raise elk. Back in the 70s they purchased three and now have 36, including more than 60 at one time. 

“The elk are used for breeding and their antlers can be turned into lamps, card holders and salt-and-pepper shakers, but for the Poorts elk is their meat of choice. 

“ ‘We haven’t butchered a hog or beef in five years,’ Robert said. ‘We eat strictly elk meat.’ 

“Dorothy said the meat has very little fat and no cholesterol, which she says makes it better than beef.” 

Uh oh…looks like the noble, yet tasty and nutritious yak is getting a run for its hide, so to speak. Personally, I’d get a little tired of elk every day, which is why I wouldn’t have survived as a mountain man back in the day. 

–So I mentioned “Jersey Shore” last week and whaddya know? The cast members were everywhere on the air after that. Leno, Conan. At the MTV Christmas party, however, Snooki evidently tipped the women’s bathroom attendant 75 cents after using the hairspray and perfume. And that’s your pre-Christmas Snooki update for Dec. 21…the first day of winter. 

–U2 bass player Adam Clayton is having some problems. Evidently his housekeeper may have stolen 1.8 million euros from him, with Carol Hawkins denying she used the money to buy property, flashy cars and jewelry…which she has indeed done, like an apartment in New York and a horse syndicate. By all accounts Clayton initially handled the situation compassionately, but then the sums taken grew exponentially. Luckily for him, this is but a drop in the bucket in terms of his overall net worth. [Clayton is also the guy I think most of us would like to be in the group…the cool, laid-back bass player. Let the others get the pub and sit back and reap the rewards.] 

–Actress Brittany Murphy died after going into cardiac arrest in Los Angeles on Sunday. She was just 32. No further details as I go to post. 

–Brad K. passed along this story out of China that is yet another example of why we need to fear a resurgent animal kingdom

“Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer” 

“Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping center in Nshi, in eastern China’s Hubei province. 

“But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head. 

“Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: ‘I saw one punch him in the eye – he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film.’” 

You think this is bad? Get this… 

“At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. 

“He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to keep them from running off.” 

–According to a study out of Brown University, drinking whisky results in a worse hangover than vodka. Hell, I knew this. The other day I was drinking whisky with a Russian mobst….oops, can’t go there. 

–From Men’s Health (as my complimentary subscription continues)… percentage of men who say their favorite bars happen to be in strip joints. 4%. Percentage of guys who feel anxious approaching women in bars: 70%. And guys, here is pickup advice from a study in Personality and Individual Differences (don’t subscribe to it). “Open with a funny line about the music or the bartender, and then carry on the exchange for 5 minutes before offering your name. The key is using the wisecrack to leapfrog past the awkward introduction mode.” Huh. I might have to try that. 

“Say, doesn’t 80s music suck? And isn’t the bartender a jerk?”
 
[I need more practice, as you can see.] 

–Men’s Health 2010 Sexual Checklist

Lift weights three times a week. [Maybe once.]
Open your mind. [Mine is closed.]
For maximum sexual intensity, go Zen. [No can do…Mets fan.]
Expand your social networks. [Be a Tiger!]
Have a heart-to-heart with your FWB [So I don’t know what FWB means… “Friends with Benefits”?!   Geezuz, I’m naïve.] 

Top 3 songs for the week 12/21/68: #1 “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” (Marvin Gaye) #2 “Love Child” (Diana Ross and The Supremes) #3 “For Once In My Life” (Stevie Wonder)…and…#4 “Abraham, Martin And John” (Dion) #5 “Wichita Lineman” (Glen Campbell…in my top ten) #6 “Stormy” (Classics IV featuring Dennis Yost…in my top 30) #7 “Who’s Making Love” (Johnnie Taylor) #8 “Both Sides Now” (Judy Collins) #9 “I Love How You Love Me” (Bobby Vinton) #10 “Magic Carpet Ride” (Steppenwolf…not a bad week) 

NFL Quiz Answers: 1) Homer Jones, N.Y. Giants, 1964-69; Cleveland, 1970; averaged 22.26 yards per reception…224-4,986. 2) No. 2 in this category is a guy I’m imagining most of you never heard of…Buddy Dial, Pittsburgh, 1959-63; Dallas, 1964-66…20.83 [261-5,436] No. 3, incidentally, is Harlon Hill, Chicago Bears, 1954-61; Pittsburgh, 1962; Detroit, 1962…20.24 [233-4,717] 3) Everson Walls, Dallas, is the only player in league history to lead in interceptions three seasons…1981-82, 85.

Next Bar Chat, Thursday…our annual Christmas special, suitable for children of all ages.