2008…The Best Year Ever for Sports
Beginning with the Giants’ David Tyree and his phenomenal catch in the Super Bowl (let alone Eli Manning’s scramble to get the throw off), then Tiger Woods’ unreal performance in the U.S. Open, then the Nadal-Federer Wimbledon Final for the ages, then Michael Phelps’ 8 golds, and Usain Bolt’s spectacular world records in the 100 and 200.
Plus, you had Danica Patrick becoming the first woman to win a major auto race and Jimmie Johnson’s third straight NASCAR title (an incredibly underrated feat that has been lost in the shuffle) and, yes, it was a helluva year.
Johnny Mac and I were comparing notes on players who step up in national title games, seeing as Oklahoma will be missing a key offensive player in its contest against Florida, DeMarco Murray. Johnny points out that it was 31 years ago, Jan. 2, 1978, that Oklahoma was set to face Arkansas in the Orange Bowl, which back then ended the college football season. The Sooners were No. 2 in the country and No. 1 Texas had lost earlier in the day to Notre Dame in the Cotton Bowl.
Lou Holtz was Arkansas’ coach and before Christmas break, three key players were involved in an incident involving a woman, or as Holtz and the school put it, a “dormitory incident involving a coed.” [Johnny said it was a woman of questionable repute.] Holtz was forced to suspend the team’s leading rusher, Ben Cowins, who had gained almost 1,200 yards during the season. Also suspended were back-up RB Michael Forrest and leading wide receiver Danny Bobo.
As noted in the book “50 Years of College Football” by Bob Boyles and Paul Guido:
“Perhaps Oklahoma coach Barry Switzer should have been careful about what he wished for. He had pushed for alma mater Arkansas (11-1) to replace Penn State for the at-large berth in the Orange Bowl. An over-confident Switzer reportedly did not even look at Arkansas game film until 2 days before the contest, and the highly-favored Sooners (21 points) seemed to get extra advantage from Arkansas coach Lou Holtz. Although confident because Orange Bowl Stadium had a grass surface to slow down the Sooners’ flyers, Holtz (had to deal with the suspensions). Led by FB Roland Sales, Arkansas’ black players threatened a boycott and the suspended players (all black) threatened suit, neither of which materialized.
“With its big All-America guard Leotis Harris also out of the Arkansas lineup with an injury, the point spread zoomed upward. Holtz kept the team in the locker room for an extra 15 minutes before the game, during which Holtz and DT Dan Hampton told jokes to break the ice.
“The game began, and Sooners HB Billy Sims lost a fumble on his own 9-yard line, recovered by the Hogs’ DT Jimmy Walker, which led to Sales’ one-yard TD run. The Sooners lost another fumble later in the first quarter when FB Kenny King lost it to Hampton. Sales burst through a huge hole for 38 yards, rambling to set up a 3-yard QB keeper.
“The key for the Razorbacks’ offense was the ability of QB Ron Calcagni to get outside, which opened the middle for its line to seal it off. On 22 occasions, Calcagni feigned sprintout or pass before quickly handing off to his fullbacks. Sales benefited by rushing for 205 yards, a new Orange Bowl record. His third quarter TD run from 4 yards finished off the Sooners at 24-0 and capped an 82-yard drive, during which he burst for 38 yards. OU’s only TD came on a 6-yard pass from QB Dean Blevins to TE Victor Hicks at the end of a 95-yard drive in the fourth quarter.”
Final score, Arkansas 31 Oklahoma 6. Notre Dame won the national title that year after blasting Texas, 38-10. Johnny Mac remembers winning some coin on Arkansas taking the 21.
And so, you just never know about some of these bowl games, thanks, I say, to these long breaks and the stuff that can happen in between. Roland Sales, an afterthought during the regular season, certainly had his day in the sun.
“A suspected shark attack victim’s son was swimming just 6m away when his father was attacked and presumed killed off a southern Perth beach this morning.
“Emergency service workers are continuing the search for a 51-year-old man who was snorkeling at the popular beach.”
The man’s 24-year-old son was snorkeling with his father for crabs in shallow waters when he lost sight of him. While the son didn’t see anything, people on the beach saw and heard things in the water.
“Police spokesman Mark Valentine said witnesses had reported seeing ‘something pretty violent’ happening in the water and there was blood also coloring it.”
[So now we wait to see if the frauds at the International Shark Attack File in Gainesville, Florida, record this one. The ISAF shills for the global tourism industry, you understand, and only reports about one out of every ten fatalities otherwise recorded in Bar Chat. Yes, perhaps this spring would be a good time to finally pay these folks a visit. Pull a little Mike Wallace on ‘em.]
The Tragedy of the 1994 Chargers
Les Carpenter of the Washington Post had the sad tale of the 1994 San Diego Chargers, who upset the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC championship game and then lost to the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIX, 49-26. Of the 53 on the roster, five have now died, all in their 20s and 30s. As a professor of actuarial science told Carpenter, the odds of this are less than 1 percent.
Just five months after the Super Bowl, linebacker David Griggs sped down the offramp of the Florida Turnpike in the Fort Lauderdale suburb of Davie, only 10 minutes from where the game had been played, and his Lexus’ tires hit a 10-inch hole in the pavement, “the car spun, hurtling over the roadway, smashing into a large signpost.” Griggs died on the way to the hospital.
May 11, 1996, running back Randy Culver, who days earlier had taken his wife on a birthday cruise, decided to leave the cruise a few days early because the two missed their girls, just 1 and 2, who were with family. Culver had a fear of flying, but they bought two tickets on ValuJet Flight 592, scheduled to fly from Miami to Atlanta.
“The plane, a DC-9, left late that day, the result of traffic on the ground in Miami. Six minutes into the air something went wrong, flames filled the cabin, the electronics started to fail. In the cockpit recording, people can be clearly heard screaming, ‘Fire, fire, fire, fire.’ ‘We’re on fire. We’re on fire.’”
The pilots tried to return to Miami, and for a moment had steadied the plane, then it dived into the Everglades at more than 500 mph.
1998. Doug Miller, a linebacker on the ‘94 team, had been forced to retire two years later and was largely forgotten by his teammates. That July, at age 28, he set out to start a job as a graduate assistant coach at the University of California. On his way he stopped near Vail, Colo., to camp with friends. One afternoon, as they set up camp near the Colorado River, a storm moved in.
“Miller helped to erect a tent. Suddenly a bolt of lightning made its jagged path toward earth, striking him and knocking him down. One of his friends rushed to his side and began to give CPR. As he did, there came another flash, another roar of thunder and lightning once again struck Miller. The friend was unharmed. Miller was dead.”
Tight end Deems May said, “I mean when you get hit by lightning twice, it’s just your time.”
That made three players in three and a half years. But there were other cases. The ex-wife of Dwain Painter, the quarterback coach from the 1994 team, killed herself after the Pittsburgh game. “When his adult daughter went to spread her mother’s ashes on the California coast, a wave swept her into the sea.”
Sid Brooks, the equipment manager for San Diego, retired, and a year and a half ago he slipped in a sauna, hit his head on the floor and lay there, dead, until he was found the next day.
“Then there were the four offensive linemen – players from the 1992 and 1993 teams – men unknown to all but the most voracious of football fans, yet nonetheless teammates of the players left behind. Together they had dressed in the same locker room, kept many of the same friends and met each other’s families. One died in a motorcycle accident, the other three of natural causes. Most shocking were their ages: 35, 37, 40 and 41.
This past May 10, Curtis Whitley, the back up center from the 1994 team, became the 4th victim of the Super Bowl squad. He was 39, had been troubled since anyone knew him, and overdosed on drugs.
Then this past Oct. 15 came word Chris Mims, a defensive lineman, was found dead on the floor. The coroner’s report said the primary causes of death were an enlarged heart and heart disease. Mims, depressed over his weight that had ballooned to 456 lbs., 160 more than when he played, didn’t want to talk to his teammates when they called to check up on him.
Now a lot of the other Chargers from the ’94 squad don’t want to talk either. They wonder who is next. They’re all still so young.
So long, Brett Favre. I didn’t want you to begin with and you choked at the end (2 TDs, 9 INTs over the last five games). Instead, Chad Pennington took the 1-15 Dolphins to 11-5 and the playoffs in an extraordinary turnaround. And so long coach Eric Mangini.
Here\’s the bottom line…it sucks being a Jets and Mets fan.
[Update…10:00 a.m., Monday…Mangini was indeed fired.]
Us Jets fans had the Bills/Pats game on before our contest and I just have a few words for Buffalo. Fire Dick Jauron! Goodness gracious, the team is almost as poorly coached as the Jets.
Ben Roethlisberger has now had one too many concussions…as will be shown within the next two years. It’s sad. [Don\’t tell me it\’s \’minor.\’ None of them are.]
I can’t believe Drew Brees fell just 15 yards short of matching Dan Marino’s single season mark of 5,084 yards. Brees became only the second to throw for 5,000.
Congratulations to the Lions for their 0-16 season. They were outscored 517 to 268. Back in 1976, the 0-14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers were outscored 412 to 125.
The Giants’ Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs became only the 4th pair in NFL history to run for 1,000 yards.
Then you have the Cleveland Browns. After being shut out for the second consecutive game for the first time in franchise history, the Browns ended up losing their last six contests. Here’s the rub. They scored a total of 31 points in those six games and have gone 24 consecutive quarters without an offensive touchdown. And as if that’s not bad enough, the Brownies failed to gain 200 yards their last five games.
–Darren Everson had a piece in the Wall Street Journal on Ohio’s claim of being the cradle for college football coaches. In the BCS title game, Florida’s Urban Meyer and Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops grew up in Ohio. Ohio State’s Jim Tressel and LSU’s Les Miles are native Ohioans, and the list of coaches with Ohio ties includes Alabama’s Nick Saban, who played at Kent State, and USC’s Pete Carroll, who was an assistant at Ohio State.
“Less than 4% of the country’s population lives in Ohio, but 15% of college football’s major-conference head coaches were born there – the most for any state. And this volume is more than matched by quality: 14 of the last 18 teams that have made it to the national title game have had head coaches with Ohio connections.”
Four decades ago it was another set of Ohioans that ruled the sport; Ohio State’s Woody Hayes, Michigan’s Bo Schembechler, Notre Dame’s Ara Parseghian, and NFL head coaches Don Shula and Chuck Noll.
One thing I never thought about was that Ohio has 36 NCAA football programs, second in the nation overall, including eight that play in the NCAA’s Football Bowl Subdivision. [By comparison, Pennsylvania only has three in the FBS (Penn State, Pitt and Temple).]
Of course Miami of Ohio is the true “Cradle of Coaches,” with Hayes, Parseghian and Schembechler all having coached there.
–More comments on the lack of African-American coaches in Division I-A. But Phil Taylor of Sports Illustrated has a different take when it comes to the likes of Buffalo’s Turner Gill; as in his being turned down for the Auburn position may have been the best thing to happen in terms of the greater cause.
“Consider college basketball, in which African-Americans hold down 28.5% of the head-coaching positions. The breakthrough came after John Thompson took over at Georgetown in 1972 and turned a program that had gone 3-23 the year before into a powerhouse, winning the national championship in 1984. ‘In those days if you were a black coach, the top programs didn’t come calling,’ Thompson says. ‘So you had to turn your program into a top program.’ By doing that, coaches such as Thompson and John Chaney at Temple began to open eyes to the abilities of black coaches. It wasn’t long before higher-profile schools got the message and started signing their own.
“Coaches such as Gill, Houston’s Kevin Sumlin, Mike Locksley, who was hired on Dec. 9 by New Mexico, and Ron English, who was named Eastern Michigan’s new coach on Monday, might be able to create a similar model in college football. They have to build relatively obscure programs into something greater, threatening and occasionally even beating bigger, more established teams and making a string of bowl appearances in the manner of, say, Utah and Boise State. That seems a more promising road to creating greater interest in black coaches than chasing the rare chance to coach a traditional power, which can ultimately do more harm than good. It might have been more helpful to African-American coaches as a whole, for instance, if Ty Willingham had stayed at Stanford, where he was exceeding the Cardinal’s relatively modest expectations, but instead he left for Notre Dame, where one good season and two subpar ones earned him a quick pink slip. ‘White coaches are evaluated individually,’ says former San Jose State coach Fitz Hill, now president of Arkansas Baptist College. ‘Black coaches are evaluated collectively.’”
–Larry Sutton / New York Post
“Flying high above New Jersey, New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady tossed Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen the ultimate pass – a marriage proposal she accepted, according to reports.
“The two have been dating for about two years, since Brady split from then-girlfriend Bridget Moynihan, the mother of his 16-month-old son, Jack….
“Brady, Bundchen and her parents, surrounded by four dozen white roses, were aboard a private plane Christmas Eve traveling from Teterboro Airport to Boston….
“After the plane took off, Brady, 31, popped the question. A little champagne sealed the deal.”
So here’s what I don’t get. Gisele this past fall had said she was in no hurry to wed. “I’m happy as I am…I’m having a great time, and I want to enjoy it.”
Well, I await my invitation nonetheless, though I’m not too keen to go to Costa Rica, which is where Gisele has a big spread and the wedding will take place.
–Then there’s this one, which I do not expect to be invited to. The nuptials of Playmate Kendra Wilkinson and Philadelphia Eagle wide receiver Hank Baskett, set for June 27, 2009, at the Playboy Mansion.
But Kendra, one of Hef’s “Girls Next Door” (funny how they never seem to live next door to me…but I digress) is having second thoughts about having an ex-beau hand her off to her husband-to-be, which I have to agree is really screwed up, especially seeing as Hef is freakin’ 82, for crying out loud.
Here’s my other big problem, though. Kendra, we’re talking Hank Baskett! I mean this guy has all of 33 receptions for 440 yards this season after catching just 38 passes over the previous two seasons. C’mon, girl. You can do far better. Hank Baskett?! Yeesh.
–The other day I was telling a friend how much I played electric football as a youth, and how I couldn’t believe how patient my parents were with the irritating noise emanating from the gridiron, but also how frustrating it was to play. So I loved this bit from the Los Angeles Times’ Bill Plaschke on his own passion for the game.
“Underneath the perfect plastic pines of my lovely Target tree, I am assured of reaping the usual middle-aged bounty.
“There will be DVDs, socks, a sports book written by some friend of whom I’m insanely jealous, a tie that I will wear once before dipping into a grand slam breakfast, an oversized candy bar I will feel compelled to consume on the spot.
“Absent, again, will be the one thing I secretly desire most. Again, there will be no electric football.
“I never ask for it, I wouldn’t dare, nobody would understand, but, jeepers, I miss it dearly.
“The giant metal field, the tiny little players, the cardboard stands, the wondrous appearance of miniature football…followed by the vibrating reality of absolute chaos.
“You spend 20 minutes carefully setting up the players to run an intricate off-tackle play. You then flick a switch and howl at two minutes of madness.
“The running back carrying the tiny foam ball in his crooked little hand bounces off the fullback, spins and rumbles in the wrong direction.
“He never listens, of course, so soon your attention is diverted to the two linemen, arms interlocked, dancing a do-si-do in the other end zone.
“ ‘Cut that out!’ you shout while turning the dial to increase the vibration in hopes of breaking them up.
“That never works, so you then focus on the rest of your offensive line, which has rattled off to block the heck out of the sidelines, repeatedly pounding the metal borders with a vengeance.
“ ‘What’s wrong with you?’ you shout, momentarily forgetting that you are the one trying to communicate with toys.
“At this point, having deemed the running back irresponsible, you flip the switch again, stop the vibrating, remove the ball from his arm, and place it in the appendage of the quarterback, who has a special lever for passing.
“This is, of course, a desperation move, the successful completion of a pass in electric football being the single most difficult achievement in the history of sports.
“You flip the switch again, the vibrating begins, the arm is cocked, the foam is flung directly into the metal field, a lifetime zero completion percentage intact, but by now, with so many toppled players moving in artful circles, the entire deal begins to resemble electric synchronized swimming.
“I loved it. I played it. I suffered it.”
–We note the passing of self-proclaimed sex kitten Eartha Kitt, 81, or one year younger than Hef. Kitt certainly led an interesting life, including her role as Catwoman on the “Batman” series in 1967-68 (replacing Julie Newmar). She was a true star of the international stage and cabarets who Orson Welles once dubbed “the most exciting woman in the world.” It was also more than a bit ironic that she died on Christmas Day, a time when her voice can be heard all over the airwaves singing her sultry “Santa Baby,” which she recorded in 1954 as part of her first album.
But Kitt also gained notoriety for an appearance at the White House in 1964 when she was attending a luncheon hosted by Lady Bird Johnson. It was the time of Vietnam.
“You send the best of this country off to be shot and maimed,” she told a group of 50 women. “They rebel in the street. They don’t want to go to school because they’re going to be snatched away from their mothers to be shot in Vietnam.”
After this outburst Kitt was shunned in the U.S., investigated by the CIA and FBI, and forced to seek refuge overseas, where she continued her career (and the audiences were far more favorable). Two decades later she told Essence magazine:
“The thing that hurts, that became anger, was when I realized that if you tell the truth – in a country that says you’re entitled to tell the truth – you get your face slapped and you get put out of work.”
–The New Jersey Nets are 10-4 on the road and only 5-11 at home. Go figure.
–45-year-old Randy Johnson, with 295 career wins, will be pursuing No. 300 with the San Francisco Giants as he signed a one-year contract. It’s kind of intriguing that the Giants will now have three Cy Young winners in their starting rotation, including Barry Zito and Tim Lincecum. You know, if out of nowhere Zito comes back to form, and Johnson stays reasonably healthy, San Francisco could be worth plopping ten dollars down on in Vegas just for the hell of it.
Then again, the chances of Zito turning things around and Johnson staying healthy are virtually nil…so forget I even brought it up.
–NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that those college underclassmen concerned about a pending salary cap for first-year players need not worry.
“There will be no change in our current [rookie pool] system, at least until 2011,” he told ESPN. “Any underclassman who is hearing differently is probably hearing it from an agent or from another source who is misinformed.”
Among the underclassmen considering turning pro because of this issue (among other factors) are quarterbacks Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Matthew Stafford and Sam Bradford. If you are three years removed from high school, you have until Jan. 15 to declare your eligibility for the draft.
But the NFL will be changing the comp structure after the 2010 draft when the collective bargaining agreement with the NFL expires. No doubt more money will be shifted to the veterans, and away from the rookies, at that time.
–Update to a story in the last Bar Chat. The wolf that was threatening 1.3 billion people in China, particularly tourists traversing the Great Wall, has been captured. Repeat…the wolf threatening 1.3 billion people in China has been captured.
–The great Takeru Kobayashi, six-time Nathan’s Famous hot dog-eating champion, took on a new challenge the other day at Gabriella’s Restaurant on New York’s upper West Side. Kobayashi set his sites on the Black Widow’s (Sonya Thomas\’) record 4 pounds and 14.25 ounces of fruitcake in 10 minutes. George Shea, spokesman for Major League Eating, said “I’ve seen the fruitcakes, and they’re extraordinarily dense and chewy. It would be the equivalent of biting into a moist piece of modeling clay.”
Nope. Takeru fell short, sports fans. He finished first against a bunch of Coney Island rejects who you see every year on the Fourth of July telecast, but Takeru devoured just 4 pounds, 8 ounces.
“This is the most difficult food I’ve ever eaten,” he said. “My mouth is sore.”
Actually, I just ate half a slab of cheese, a whole platter of shrimp, and five sugar cookies, myself, as I tackled assorted leftovers from my hosting of festivities Christmas Day. My stomach doesn’t feel too good….so it’s time for a domestic!
— A look back at some of Sports Illustrated’s “Signs of the Apocalypse” in 2008.
“A 33-year-old Green Bay woman allegedly stole her estranged 15-year-old daughter’s identity and enrolled in high school because she wanted to be a cheerleader.”
“An Elgin, Ill., student had to remove a Cubs jersey she wore to her high school because a staffer thought FUKUDOME was a curse word.”
Ralph Nader to Politico.com, on his response to the Washington Post’s saying it wouldn’t cover his presidential campaign because he has no chance of winning: “Then why are you covering the Nationals?”
Bill Werber, the oldest living ex-major leaguer (he’s 100), on today’s players: “The hair’s too long. Their beards are too evident. They’re a grubby-looking bunch of caterwaulers.”
Doc Rivers, Celtics coach, after being asked how long Kevin Garnett would be out with a strained abdominal muscle: “You know Doc’s a nickname, correct?”
When Washington got wind of the chaotic flight of his troops, he galloped up to [Gen. Charles] Lee, glowered at him, and demanded, “What is the meaning of this, sir? I desire to know the meaning of this disorder and confusion!” Lee took umbrage at the peremptory tone. “The American troops would never stand to British bayonets,” he replied. To which Washington retorted, “You damned poltroon, you never tried them!” Washington did not ordinarily use profanities, but, faced with Lee’s insubordination that morning, he swore “till the leaves shook on the trees,” said one general.
With less than two minutes remaining in the Ohio State Buckeyes’ 17-15 loss to Clemson in the Gator Bowl, Clemson middle guard Charlie Bauman intercepted a pass thrown by Ohio State quarterback Art Schlicter. Bauman ran out of bounds near the Ohio State bench and when he got up, Ohio State coach Woody Hayes hit him and had to be pulled away by Buckeyes players.
The president of Ohio State at the time, Harold Enarson, and athletic director Hugh Hindman, met late into the night and decided that Hayes would be relieved of his duties the next morning. Enarson, who died in 2006, later told the university’s oral history project that Hayes had refused to apologize, so he was given no opportunity to resign in lieu of being fired.
–As we near the next revision of the All-Species List (in another 2-3 weeks…it’s tough compiling all the evidence this time of year), a strong favorite is the orangutan.
Now they didn’t need any further help, or advocacy groups, but I do take note of a piece from BBC News concerning a new study.
“Orangutans can help each other get food by trading tokens, scientists have discovered – but only if the help goes in both directions,” according to researchers from the University of St. Andrews. [In case you wondered what was really going on outside the ropes at the Old Course of St. Andrews.]
“Gorillas and chimpanzees were much less willing to cooperate, they report.”
“Two orangutans – Bim and Dok – who live in Leipzig Zoo, Germany, were especially good at helping each other.
“Initially, they were given several sets of tokens, and learned the value of the different types.
“An animal could exchange one type for bananas for itself, another type could be used to gain bananas for a partner, and a third had no value.
“Initially, Dok, the female, was especially good at swapping tokens to get bananas for Bim, the male. Sometimes Bim would point at the tokens to encourage her.
“But he was less interested in trading tokens that would win bananas for her.”
In other words, Bim is a real a-hole…kind of like Plaxico. So now I’m thinking Bim has hurt his specie’s chances at a No. 1 ranking. Which leads me to…
The Bar Chat Awards…with your hosts, Shecky Greene and Roger Mudd! [Unfortunately, Pamela Anderson, Ben Affleck and Maya Angelou, past hosts, were not available this time.]
Just a reminder as we pass out awards for jerk, idiot, and dirtball.
The difference between an idiot and a jerk, as defined by Webster’s:
An idiot is “an ignorant person; foolish or stupid.” A jerk, on the other hand, is “annoyingly stupid or foolish.”
To me a jerk is fully aware of what they are doing, while an idiot lacks some of the basics. As for “dirtball,” there has to be something malicious in the behavior.
For example, remember Olympic snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis? She hot-dogged it in her big event and lost the gold. That’s an idiot.
–Who can possibly forget…Reginald Peterson, who called 911 twice because his Subway sandwich was missing the sauce. That, my friends, is an idiot.
–A jerk award to Tennessee running back LenDale White, who after carrying the ball just once in a loss to the Jets, said, “I couldn’t tell you what happened. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t really care.”
–And how about a group jerk award for the cast of the now-deceased strip “For Better or For Worse,” (though for some idiotic reason some papers still carry it…it’s not “Peanuts,” you morons!). I mean Jeff B. and I couldn’t start our day without discussing this pitiful excuse for a comic. We also can’t help but award a special dirtball award to Warren, Chopper Boy, who kept trying to make time with Liz. Jeff and I waited and waited for the SWAT team to take Chopper Boy out. Alas, it wasn’t to be.
–And how about an honorable mention idiot award to the wife of Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce, who refused to believe her husband was on tape making time with a hottie before he and Plaxico went to the Latin Quarter.
–Oh, I hate to do this but I have to give an honorable mention idiot notation to Wake Forest alum and Dallas Mavericks star Josh Howard, for racing at 90 mph in Winston-Salem, throwing a huge birthday bash for himself in the middle of the NBA playoffs, admitting he smoked pot, and then disparaging the singing of the National Anthem.
–And who can forget dirtball/idiot Sharon Stone for suggesting the Sichuan earthquake might have been retribution for China’s policies in Tibet. Christian Dior, who Stone was modeling for, had to scramble to avoid a consumer backlash.
–And an idiot honorable mention to the Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman for saying that young players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” For his part, Tiger earned a ‘good guy’ honorable mention for sticking up for her and not making a stink out of it.
–But then an idiot certificate goes to the editor at Golfweek magazine who approved the cover image of a noose for an article about Tilghman’s misstep. The editor was fired.
–And to further prove that women have a role in the Bar Chat Awards as much as the guys, we give an honorable mention to dirtball Heather Mills for her actions during the divorce proceedings with former husband Paul McCartney. A British judge described Mills as “an explosive and volatile character” and “her own worst enemy.” I have a particular word beginning with the letter ‘b’ that best describes Ms. Mills.
–An idiot certificate to the Commerce City, Colo., couple that fought over “which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join.” [Also qualifies as another sign of the apocalypse.]
–And an idiot honorable mention to Loyola basketball coach Jimmy Patsos, who last month in a game against Davidson, employed a triangle-and-2 defense against Davidson star Stephen Curry. Curry was held scoreless as he just stood in a corner, letting two Loyola players guard him while his teammates played 4-on-3 and won 78-48. Patsos said afterwards, “We had to play against an NBA player tonight. Anybody else ever hold him scoreless? I’m a history major. They’re going to remember that we held him scoreless or we lost by 30?” They’re going to remember you’re an idiot, Coach Patsos.
–Plus, a dirball/jerk exacta for actor Wesley Snipes, who was sentenced to 36 months for not filing his taxes.
“Jerk of the Year” goes to Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones for enabling Pacman Jones. For his part, given all that Pacman has done wrong over the years, he receives a special lifetime achievement award in both the “Jerk” and “Dirtball” categories.
A rare “Jerk/Idiot/Dirtball Trifecta” is awarded to Plaxico Burress. As a female bartender said of his conduct at the Latin Quarter club where the Giants’ wide receiver shot himself, “Burress was an ass.”
But while Burress also goes into the Dirtball Hall of Fame, joined by the likes of Barry Bonds, baseball’s Roger Clemens goes in with him and takes our overall “Dave Bliss / Dirtball of the Year” award. [Barry Bonds, largely invisible this year, thus failed in his bid to capture a fifth trophy.]
It’s fitting that Clemens’ name was just removed from Houston’s Memorial Hermann Medical Center from the Roger Clemens Institute for Sports Medicine, as reported by the Daily News’ Christian Red on Sunday.
“It is the latest headache for Clemens, who saw his reputation and legacy hammered this year following the release of baseball’s Mitchell Report on Dec. 13, 2007, in which Clemens’ former trainer Brian McNamee claimed he injected the pitcher with steroids and human growth hormone several times between 1998 and 2001.”
Of course Roger testified to Congress back in February, “Anyone who has spent time around me knows that my family is and has always been my top priority. My wife, Debbie…mean(s) more to me than anything in the world.”
Then we learned in April that Roger had been carrying on a decade-long affair with former country star Mindy McCready, a romance that began when she was 15 and Roger was a 28-year-old All-Star for the Boston Red Sox.
After the Daily News first reported on this one, a source close to Clemens told the paper, “He had chicks stashed in every city – like every athlete, you play golf, you go get drunk and [have sex].”
No one would have cared about Roger sleeping around, but it was his forceful denial of his steroids use, since thoroughly refuted by almost any common sense look at the evidence that has emerged to date, let alone his holier than thou character stance, that now threatens his admittance into Baseball’s Hall of Fame. [Plus he still faces indictment.]
But there were some better stories this year, and so we present the…
To George Martin, the former Giants lineman who went through 24 pairs of shoes and lost 40 pounds in walking across America to raise $2 million for sick 9/11 rescue workers.
To Continental CEO Lawrence Kellner and President Jeff Smisek, who before it was forced on them, a la some Wall Street kingpins, said back in June that they would not take salaries or incentive pay the rest of 2008 after the airline was forced to layoff 3,000 amidst the fuel crisis that was crippling the industry. That’s called sharing the pain.
And I don’t know how I missed this one, as reported by SI’s Phil Taylor.
“A year free of scandals and scoundrels is probably too much to expect. But for every failed drug test or recruiting violation that made us wonder if sportsmanship still existed in 2008, there was a tale of those who did the right thing – the noble thing, even.
“The trick, as always, is in knowing where to look, because the most uplifting examples often occur in the most out-of-the-way places – like the state 4A track and field championships on May 23 in Pasco, Wash. That was where Nicole Cochran, a senior at Bellarmine Prep in Tacoma, thought she had won the girls’ 3,200-meter title by 3.05 seconds until a judge disqualified her, ruling that she had stepped outside her lane on one of the turns. Almost everyone, including Cochran’s competitors, agreed that the judge was in error, and a video of the race later showed that one of Cochran’s teammates had actually committed the violation. Still, the title was awarded to the runner-up, sophomore Andrea Nelson of Spokane’s Shadle Park High.
“ ‘It gave me chills,’ says Cochran, now a freshman runner at Harvard. ‘It was just an incredible, surprising thing for Andrea to do, because it wasn’t her fault. No one would have blamed her if she kept the medal.’ Cochran wasn’t the only one who was moved. When Sarah Lord saw what Nelson had done, she took off her second-place award and placed it around Nelson’s neck. Then third-place finisher Devin McMahon removed her medal and hung it around Lord’s. And so it went, with each of the eight girls…bestowing her medal on the runner who had finished ahead of her. ‘As adults,’ says Matt Ellis, Cochran’s coach, ‘we can learn from what those girls did.’”
But we don’t, Matt. Us adults never do. And so it is that Robert Mugabe….oh, sorry. Wrong column. Never mind…..
“A senior with a .153 career batting average hits her first home run, a three-run blast, to help Western Oregon move closer to a spot in the NCAA’s Division II softball playoffs.
“That was improbable. To 70-year-old Central Washington coach Gary Frederick, what happened next was ‘unbelievable.’
“Sara Tucholsky, the 5-foot-2 inch right fielder, sprinted to first base as the ball cleared the center field fence Saturday in Ellensburg, Wash. Given that she had never hit a ball out of the park, even in practice, she was excited. So excited she missed first base.
“A couple yards past the bag, she stopped to go back and touch it. But she collapsed with a knee injury.
“ ‘I was in a lot of pain,’ she told The Oregonian newspaper. ‘Our first-base coach was telling me I had to crawl back to first base. ‘I can’t touch you,’ she said, ‘or you’ll be out. I can’t help you.’
“Western Oregon coach Pam Knox ran onto the field and talked to the umpires. The umpires said the coach could place a substitute runner at first. Tulcholsky would be credited with a single.
“ ‘The umpires said a player cannot be assisted by their team around the bases,’ Knox said. ‘But it is her only home run in four years. She is going to kill me if we sub and take it away. But at the same time I was concerned for her. I didn’t know what to do.’
“Central Washington first baseman Mallory Holtman, the all-time home run leader in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference, asked the umpire if she and her teammates could carry Tucholsky around the bases.
“The umpires said nothing in the rule book precluded help from the opposition.
“Holtman and shortstop Liz Wallace lifted Tucholsky and resumed the home-run walk, stopping to let Tucholsky touch the bases with her good leg.
“ ‘We started laughing when we touched second base,’ Holtman said. ‘I said, ‘I wonder what this must look like to other people.’’
“Holtman got her answer when they arrived at home plate. Many people were in tears.
“The second-inning homer sent Western Oregon on its way to a 4-2 victory, ending Central Washington’s chances of winning the conference and advancing to the playoffs.” [AP]
A Good Guy award also goes to golfer Raymond Floyd, who upon learning that caddie Greg Rita was denied financial assistance after undergoing surgery late last year to remove a brain tumor, cut a check for $50,000 to help defray his medical costs. Rita never worked a day for Floyd.
And of course a Good Guy award goes to golfer J.P. Hayes, who in a well-chronicled piece here in Bar Chat, turned himself in for using an illegal ball during Q School qualifying, even though no one would have known he had done so.
But the Good Guy trophy goes to Joanne Lucas, 50, of Australia. If you forgot her tale, it was back in May.
“A mother of three was hailed a hero after risking her life to rescue a stranger from a shark.
“A white pointer up to five meters long attacked schoolteacher Jason Cull, 37, while he was swimming with dolphins at Middleton Beach…
“Joanne Lucas, who was on the beach after arriving early for surfboat rowing practice, dived into the water after hearing Mr. Cull’s screams for help. ‘I just saw someone thrashing in the water and saying ‘Help me, help me,’ she said.
“ ‘I thought it was just a dolphin [in the water] but someone else was screaming, ‘He has been attacked,’ so I raced down there.
“Mrs. Lucas swam 80 meters offshore to retrieve Mr. Cull as the shark, one of several sighted off the beach, circled. ‘Just before I got to him he said, ‘It’s got my leg.’ I grabbed him and swam back to shore.’
Mr. Cull survived but would have bled to death were it not for Joanne Lucas’ fast action.
Johnny Jacobs? Tell Mrs. Lucas what she’s just won.
“Well, Editor. We start her off with a year’s supply of Good Humor Whammy Sticks, and then a Maytag Washer/Dryer. But that’s not all, Joanne. You’ll also receive a one week paid vacation to…Tijuana, Mexico…where your courage and survival instincts will come in handy as you dodge the bullets from the vicious drug war that has claimed hundreds there this year alone. Enjoy it all, from your friends at Bar Chat. Back to you, Editor.”
Finally, our “Animal of the Year” and this wasn’t even close. Dolphins won once in the past, but in light of the fact they failed to protect Mr. Cull in the above story, without any real competition the award falls once again to dogs. It was a year where dogs, including puppies, protected more than a few newborn babies and toddlers from certain death, from Argentina to Virginia and points beyond.
A sign of things to come when we announce the All-Species List, you can assume. We asked Sarah Palin, an avid reader, for her response. “You betcha.”
Top 3 songs for the week 12/27/69: #1 “Someday We’ll Be Together” (Diana Ross & The Supremes) #2 “Leaving On A Jet Plane” (Peter, Paul and Mary) #3 “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head” (B.J. Thomas)… and…#4 “Down On The Corner” (Creedence Clearwater Revival) #5 “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” (Steam) #6 “Holly Holy” (Neil Diamond) #7 “Come Together/Something” (The Beatles) #8 “I Want You Back” (The Jackson 5) #9 “Whole Lotta Love” (Led Zeppelin) #10 “Take A Letter Maria” (R.E. Greaves)
8. Ferguson Jenkins 158
Next Bar Chat, Monday, Jan. 5. Happy New Year!
