Pinocchio

NHL Quiz: [Got the idea for this one from info in Sporting News] 1) Name the six original NHL teams…that’s the easy part. 2) In order of most recent, first, list them by when each last won a Stanley Cup. [Hint: One of them last won in 1961.] Answers below. 

“His cousin gave him steroids. Had to admit, of all the possible stories Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez could have presented yesterday, the old dumb-cousin defense never made the list. 

“There was A-Rod, a man who had just become the richest athlete in sports history, fumbling around in a bathroom with this mysterious cousin and getting injected with a substance he said he (a) wasn’t sure was illegal, (b) wasn’t sure how to use, and (c) wasn’t sure had actually worked. 

“A-Rod, a conditioned athlete who had spent his entire life scrutinizing every crouton on every salad, did this twice a month from 2001 until 2003. A-Rod, a multimillionaire surrounded by elite professional athletes and the world’s best trainers, turned to his dumb cousin. 

“His unnamed dumb cousin. 

“What? You’re not buying it? Didn’t think so.

“ ‘I knew we weren’t taking Tic Tacs,’ Rodriguez said yesterday at his mega-news conference at the Yankees spring training complex – a line that will be replayed for the rest of his career. ‘I knew that it potentially was something that perhaps was wrong, but I didn’t get into the investigation.’…. 

“He is still trying to pass this off as ‘a stupid mistake and lesson learned,’ as if he didn’t know he was doing something illegal. 

“1. He was decidedly not some naïve teenager. He was 26. He had been a professional athlete for eight years…Most high school athletes know steroids are wrong. And Alex Rodriguez did not? 

“2. He keeps changing his story. First it was an outright lie to Katie Couric 15 months ago; then it was the loosey-goosey culture in baseball when he talked to ESPN’s Peter Gammons nine days ago. Now he introduces the cousin buying the drugs in the Dominican Republic – as bulletproof an alibi as they come. You can only wonder what it might be next…. 

“Not all of what A-Rod did was bad. He could have refused to answer the questions entirely. He came clean on steroid use, which is more than Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens did, more than nearly all the superstars from this tainted generation have done…. 

“The problem is, his crisis management team got their strategy all wrong. He refused to even acknowledge what he did was cheating. ‘That’s not for me to determine’ was the refrain…. 

“Alex Rodriguez, one of the greatest athletes in the world, wants you to believe he had his dumb cousin stick him with a needle without knowing what the needle contained and what it would do. And most of all, that he had no idea what he was doing was wrong. 

“What? You’re not buying it? Didn’t think so.” 

“Let’s start with this: He sure didn’t tell the same story Tuesday that he told to Peter Gammons a week and a half ago. Did he? Nine days ago, A-Rod didn’t know what kind of drug (or drugs) he was taking – even though he says he took it for three years. 

“Now, nine days later, he knows it was something called ‘Boli.’ Which, best we can tell, is another name for Primobolan, the exact drug he was asked point-blank by Gammons whether he had taken. 

“Nine days ago, there wasn’t one word uttered about any mysterious cousins who were procuring this stuff and helping him inject it. Now, it’s time to start poring over his family tree to try to figure out which cousin it was. 

“Nine days ago, A-Rod was implying that whatever he was taking, he was buying it down at the mall, presumably while he was waiting for an Auntie Anne soft pretzel to come out of the oven. 

“Now, he’s admitting his cousin was the one doing the purchasing. And although he continued to say his drug was bought ‘over the counter,’ we now know that counter was located in the Dominican Republic, not outside his friendly neighborhood food court. 

“Nine days ago, there was no mention of any other ‘substances.’ But on Tuesday, Rodriguez admitted to ESPN’s Hannah Storm that he also used to take Ripped Fuel, which was later banned – at least in its original ephedra-based form – by both baseball and the FDA. 

“And nine days ago, Rodriguez was angrily accusing universally respected Sports Illustrated reporter Selena Roberts of ‘stalking’ him. Now, it turns out, he just had a ‘misunderstanding of the facts.’ So never mind…. 

“What Rodriguez most needed to accomplish Tuesday was some semblance of closure. Instead, he merely unleashed a whole new set of story lines. So if he thinks this is over, oops. Just wait a day.” 

“Alex Rodriguez began his press conference on Tuesday at 1:52 p.m. – 22 minutes late – but punctuality was not the only element of his performance that ought to have been enhanced. 

“Camera shutters began clicking like machine guns as soon as he came into view from the tent that the Yankees have permanently erected behind the third base stands at Steinbrenner Field, and Rodriguez, wearing a navy dress shirt, khaki pants and bright white sneakers, looked suitably uncomfortable…. 

“It has been reported in recent days that Rodriguez has retained the consulting firm Outside Eyes to assist him in managing this crisis – but if the contents of his press conference performance today were the result of their work, he might consider requesting a refund."

“Every time Alex Rodriguez defaulted Tuesday to saying he was stupid, naïve or ignorant for taking steroids, I thought of Dean Wormer’s words to the flunking frat boy Flounder in ‘Animal House:’ ‘Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.’…. 

“ ‘If you had cough syrup and it didn’t work, you’d throw it in the garbage can,’ Mike Francesa of WFAN said. ‘But he kept shooting himself in the rear end for three years and didn’t know if it worked. What, are you kidding me?’” 

Thomas Boswell / Washington Post 

“ ‘I didn’t think they were steroids. That’s again part of being young and stupid. It was over-the-counter. It was pretty basic,’ Rodriguez said. ‘All these years I never thought I did anything wrong.’ 

“Riiiggght. So, if it was all so innocent, why did you keep it such a big secret for three years? ‘That’s a good question,’ said A-Rod, stumped. Maybe he wasn’t prepped for that one. ‘I knew we weren’t taking Tic Tacs,’ he said, in what may have been his only candid ad lib…. 

“The key to the day, however, was A-Rod’s ability to put over the story of the Cousin With No Name. Mortify yourself enough and maybe they’ll buy it. After the yarn he spun about the two of them, you figure it’s lucky they didn’t inject each other in the forehead…. 

“In his book ‘Vindicated,’ Jose Canseco wrote that, in the late ‘90s, Rodriguez asked where ‘one’ would go to purchase steroids. ‘I know a guy with plenty of access, and he also happens to be a very good trainer,’ Canseco claims he told Rodriguez. ‘I made the introductions: ‘A-Rod, this is your trainer (and supplier). Max, this is your client, A-Rod.’ I may not have seen him do the deed but I set the whole thing up for him. If you ask me, I did everything but inject the guy myself.’ 

“Out of all this, fans will have to decide what they believe and what wrenches common sense beyond recognition. For now, I’ve decided to believe much of what A-Rod said last week, but little of what he said yesterday. 

“How can I be so sure? My cousin told me. Sorry, I forgot his name.” 

Brian Costello / New York Post 

“ ‘Elite athletes don’t do what my friend calls, ‘cowboy chemistry,’’ said Charles Yesalis, a longtime Penn State professor and steroid researcher. 

“ ‘They don’t say, ‘Oh, I’ll try this stuff. I’ll go down a dark alley and buy some drugs from a guy named Jose.’ That flies in the face of my experience with elite athletes over four decades. They don’t wing it like that.’ 

“Yesalis said he has been contacted by elite athletes looking for guidance on what drugs to use and how to use them. 

“To believe Rodriguez would take something his cousin purchased in the Dominican Republic with no guidance from a personal trainer, physician or scientist – as A-Rod said at his press conference – is difficult to fathom, Yesalis said. 

“ ‘It’s not like he can’t afford top scientific advice,’ Yesalis said. 

“Sports medicine physician Lewis Maharam, the past president of the New York chapter of the American College of Sports Medicine, said he didn’t believe A-Rod’s claims that his use of performance-enhancing drugs amounted to ‘amateur’ and ‘immature’ experimentation. Steroid users use Primobolan in conjunction with testosterone because the combination builds strength but doesn’t add extreme bulk. Whoever was helping A-Rod administer the drugs, Maharam said, knew what they were doing. ‘He did for three years,’ Maharam said. ‘That’s not a youthful indiscretion…He has no credibility.’ 

“The twice-a-month regimen that Rodriguez described Tuesday in his press conference also sounded wildly incomplete to John Romano, former editor of Muscular Development magazine. 

“ ‘That’s pretty tame,’ said Romano of the supposed twice-monthly injections. ‘The duration between injections for Primobolan is probably five to seven days. Otherwise what happens is you don’t have a stable trickling of the drug into your system.’” 

George King / New York Post 

“It wasn’t as bad as R. Budd Dwyer’s last press conference 22 years ago, when the Pennsylvania treasurer shot himself to death on national television. But yesterday’s performance by Alex Rodriguez was full of holes.” 

Joel Sherman / New York Post 

“(A-Rod’s) new story about how he took steroids is now not the old story of ‘I don’t know when or how much.’ Instead, amazingly, it is even more implausible…. 

“He even mentioned a few times how he wished he had gone to college to gain greater maturity and worldliness. But know this about Rodriguez. When it suits his purposes, he is a world-class exaggerator. He, for example, always rounds his statistics up when discussing accomplishments. And in trying to alibi with age, he kept talking about being young – 23, 24 and 25. 

“Except in the years he is admitting steroid use, 2001-03, Rodriguez finished those seasons at 26, 27 and 28. He was busted by a failed test in his last season as a Ranger when he was two years older than David Wright is now. Wright, by the way, never attended college. Derek Jeter went from high school to pro ball, as well. And, remember, 2003 was just a year before he joined the Yankees, and Rodriguez never portrayed himself as young and naïve then…. 

“A-Rod is just not very good at the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” 

Mike Vaccaro / New York Post 

“By 2001, Rodriguez could have gotten the Surgeon General himself on the phone to answer any question he may have had about the mystery wonder potion his cousin had smuggled in from the Dominican Republic. He chose not to. He says it was because he was ‘young’ and ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid.’ I would add ‘arrogant’ and ‘bulletproof’ and ‘egomaniacal’ to that list, for starters. 

“For now? Only Rodriguez himself knows for sure how much of the truth he’s really revealed, and so only he can truly sleep well at night, or stare himself square in the eye in the mirror in the morning. Maybe he really will be the kind of public face that will make a good cause like the Taylor Hooton Foundation an effective learning tool. 

“Because if it turns out Don Hooton was there yesterday as a prop, and not a prod, then we really were being played as brazenly and as openly as it felt like we were. Fool me twice, shame on me.” 

Mike Lupica / New York Daily News 

“At this point you want Alex Rodriguez to find a cousin, any cousin, who will inject him with truth serum. 

“Because if this latest version of things, the one the Yankees allowed him to dress up in Yankees pinstripes Tuesday, is the best he can do, he needs to shut up now. Shut up and hit and hope they cheer him at Yankee Stadium the way Giants fans always cheered Barry Bonds in San Francisco…. 

“He just needs to get on the field and start hitting home runs, just not too many home runs because then he turns himself into a suspect all over again; because once a drug suspect in baseball, always a drug suspect. No matter how many times you say you’re sorry. He has to hope he hits and hope the Yankees win and fill their new ballpark and that he doesn’t choke up in a different way when the playoffs start. 

“But he has to stop with his own fairy tale version of why he started using drugs and how he got them. Stop saying that he used them for three straight years and can’t tell what they did for him. 

“No kidding, if you listened closely to what Rodriguez was saying Tuesday, it wasn’t he who tested positive, it was the drugs. This is like saying we should charge Plaxico Burress’ gun with criminal possession and not Burress himself…. 

“Last week, Rodriguez called Selena Roberts of Sports Illustrated a stalker, said that the magazine was practically paying her to stalk him, made it sound as if she tried to break into his house one time with his daughters asleep upstairs. Tuesday, he said that it was all a big misunderstanding, made it sound as if the issue was whether the Miami police ever issued her a summons or a citation. 

“He really does need to shut up and hit now, hope that there isn’t ever another positive test on him, hope against hope that he never has to endure another press conference like Tuesday and neither do we. 

“There was a moment Tuesday when Alex Rodriguez said, ‘I’m here to take my medicine.’ But by then you wondered if you could stump him by asking what kind.” 

Or as my friend Johnny Mac said, Jon Lovitz didn’t lie as much. 

There are chinks in the armor developing between major league players and their union when it comes to A-Rod and the steroids issue in general. Clearly, some stars are getting ticked at being lumped in with the dirtballs. 

Lance Berkman / Houston Astros: “How many guys have I faced that are throwing 95 that should be throwing 89? It makes a huge difference. Or how many guys have hit more home runs and won more MVPs or whatever it might be that have been on that stuff and you’re trying to do it naturally. It just makes you mad.” 

Chris Young / San Diego: “It didn’t affect me personally, but I look at some of the moral decisions. To me, it’s not really gray, it’s right or wrong. It’s not only cheating the fans and the game and yourself but also all the players.” 

Roy Oswalt / Houston Astros: “A-Rod’s numbers shouldn’t count for anything. I feel like he cheated me out of the game.” Oswalt told Alyson Footer of MLB.com that he is bothered by the blanket of suspicion that has covered all players from his era. “We’re always going to have a cloud on us, and that’s not fair at all.” Oswalt also said he considers Hank Aaron to be the all-time home run leader. 

Jamie Moyer / Philadelphia Phillies: [On whether A-Rod is a Hall of Famer] “I don’t see how he has a chance. Who in their right mind would vote for anyone who got caught taking that stuff? It’s about respecting the game.” 

David Ortiz / Boston Red Sox: If a player tests positive for steroids from this day forward, “Ban ‘em for the whole year.” 

Ranking the Presidents 

You know I love this stuff, so can’t help but mention a new ranking of our 42 former presidents put out by CSPAN; a survey compiled by 65 historians or professional observers of the presidency, including the likes of Doug Brinkley, Lou Cannon, Robert Dallek, Stephen Hess, James McPherson, Larry Sabato, and Richard Norton Smith. CSPAN last did this in 2000. 

You’ve all heard the story of the near-fatal chimpanzee attack in Stamford, Conn., and the details are absolutely horrible. But it’s Bar Chat, that’s for sure. And so it was, Jan. 22, my last All-Species List, that I moved Chimps down to No. 18 from No. 16, saying, “Chimps continue to slip. In all honesty, probably shouldn’t be on list at all owing to their poor attitude.” 

Not a bad assessment in light of this episode, I think you’d agree. But here’s what we know. 

Sandra Herold and her late husband had kept 200-pound chimp Travis for 13 of his 16 years. Travis was toilet trained, ate at the table, surfed the computer for photos, drank wine, watched television using the remote control, and used a Water Pik to brush his teeth. Travis appeared on various TV commercials for the likes of Old Navy and was well-known in Stamford for riding around in the car with the Herolds. 

And so on Monday, after “eating a meal of fish and chips and then Carvel ice cream,” Travis ran outside and couldn’t be coaxed back in. 

From the New York Post: 

“(Herold) tried to give Travis tea with Xanax to calm him, but he wouldn’t drink it, she said. 

“Herold, 70, phoned Nash for help getting Travis back into the house. 

“ ‘When she came out of her car that she doesn’t normally drive, I don’t think Travis recognized her,’ Herold said. ‘She was greeting him with a teddy bear, and that’s when he went wild.’ 

“Travis had known (Charla) Nash for years, but he might have been confused by her new hairstyle. 

“ ‘She had just got her hair done. It used to be long and brown, but she changed it to short and blond and fluffy,’ she said.” 

Police then say that when Nash arrived, Travis jumped on her and began biting and mauling her. Police Captain Richard Conklin said, Herold “retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked.” 

“In recordings of calls to 911 dispatchers released Tuesday, Travis’ grunts can be heard [Ed. it’s a horrifying sound] as a frantic Herold cries that her pet is ‘eating’ Nash and must be killed. That attack lasted about 12 minutes. 

“ ‘The chimp killed my friend!’ says a sobbing Herold, who was hiding in her vehicle. ‘Send the police with a gun. With a gun!’ 

“After police arrive, one officer radios back: ‘There’s a man down. He doesn’t look good,’ he says, referring to Nash. ‘We’ve got to get this guy out of here. He’s got no face.’” 

[Ed. Yes, police mistook Ms. Nash for a man, the injuries were that awful, plus there is a story Charla lost both hands.] 

“After mauling Nash…Travis roamed the property as cops swarmed in. 

“The wounded Travis zeroed in on one cruiser, running to one side and trying to open a locked door. He quickly scooted to the other side, ripping off a side mirror while opening another door. 

“The trapped cop inside shot Travis several times in self-defense. The mortally wounded ape then staggered back into his house. 

“ ‘They followed the blood trail in the house, and he was in his cage, dead,’ Conklin said.” 

Appearing on the Today Show, Wednesday, Ms. Herold said that when she first stabbed Travis, he gave her a look like, ‘Mommy, how can you do this to me?’ 

It’s such an awful story in so many ways. Investigators were told by neighbors that Travis seemed to be suffering from Lyme disease, and that he was out of sorts recently, possibly because of medication, such as Xanax, Ms. Herold was giving him. Doctors say Xanax can spur aggressiveness. So it was clearly a combination of the drugs and not immediately recognizing Charla Nash. 

After surgery in Stamford, Nash was flown to a hospital in Ohio for extensive reconstructive surgery. Stamford Mayor Dan Malloy said the injuries are “life-changing, if not life-threatening.” 

So what do we do with chimps in terms of the All-Species List? I’m suspending them from Top 25 consideration for a year. The way Travis was treated is definitely a mitigating factor, but the viciousness of the attack can’t be dismissed. It was so vicious, believe it or not I am leaving out details I’ve since learned from Trader George, who has a good friend connected to the Stamford Fire Dept. and, let’s just say the injuries are beyond belief. 

–Back to the Yankees, some of us are startled to learn that good seats, very expensive ones, are suddenly available for this season. Both the Mets and Yankees, moving into new stadiums, were supposed to virtually sell out every contest. Something about the fact the economy is nearing depression, you could say. Baseball will be fascinating to watch for trends all year. 

–Also, if you’re tired of the A-Rod matter, understand when Selena Roberts’ book comes out, probably in April, it will start up all over again. She has been working on it for years. 

Big lift for North Carolina as it appears 7-footer Tyler Zeller is coming back, possibly Wednesday against North Carolina State, after being out of action since mid-Nov. with a broken wrist. 

NJIT is 1-25 after Bryant (8-19) avenged its loss to NJIT that snapped the latter’s 51-game losing streak. 

–Phoenix Suns guard Jason Richardson was suspended one game after being caught doing 90 mph in a 35-mph zone in Scottsdale, with his 3-year-old son unrestrained in the back seat. Anyone who has been to the area has driven on Camelback Road, where Richardson was caught, and you can’t imagine anyone doing 90 on it. Richardson was not driving while impaired, at least, though his judgment was. 

–Back to the animal kingdom, authorities discovered the croc that killed the 5-year-old Aussie boy last week (Feb. 8), through a non-lethal, surgical method. Since the parents of the boy didn’t want the croc destroyed if found, the offending reptile is being relocated to a zoo or croc farm that will not be identified. 

“Look, Mommy. That’s the croc that killed the little boy!” Nope, ain’t gonna happen. 

–And back to chimps, for years we were told that animal trainer Tony Gentry had rescued Cheeta, the movie star chimp famed for appearing in a dozen Tarzan films. But making a long story short, Cheeta is not the famed star, supposedly born in 1932, but rather just another chimp born around 1960 but passed off by its owners for publicity as being something different. An author R. D. Rosen did the research, including on the original story given by Gentry and there were all kinds of holes, including the fact that a flight Gentry is said to have taken following his rescue of Cheeta in 1932 from Liberia didn’t originate until 1939. It was also said Cheeta had appeared in films such as Doctor Doolittle and Bedtime For Bonzo, but when Rosen began watching the films, both featured chimps that were very young when Cheeta would have been 19 and 35, respectively, at the time. [Scott Gold / Sydney Morning Herald] 

–Snake charmers in India are pissed off that wildlife protection laws could ban their performances with live snakes. The law has actually been on the books since the late 1990s, but evidently is being enforced in full for the first time. Animal rights groups say snake charmers are cruel imposters who use physical abuse to train the reptiles to move to the sway of their flute-like instruments. 

“The entertainers generally rip out the snakes’ fangs and feed them milk, meaning the animals are unable to catch prey and die when returned to their natural habitat after six months or so of performance.” [AFP] 

Just another strike against humans, No. 34 on the last All-Species List. As is the story by Mark Franchetti of the London Times concerning the slaughter of mother bears by wealthy hunters who “pay thousands of pounds to hunt brown and black bears in Siberia and the Kamchatka peninsula in the Russian far east. Most have a license, but killing a female bear with cubs under a year old is technically illegal. Many hunters simply ignore the rule.” 

It’s estimated “3,500 bear cubs are orphaned every year in Russia by politicians and wealthy businessmen who take part in trophy hunts.” 

“To the fury of environmentalists, killing a bear in its den is not outlawed. A common practice is to wake the adult bears and scare them out of their dens. 

“Bleary-eyed, they are gunned down as soon as they emerge. The hunters do not even check whether they have cubs. 

“ ‘Hunting bears while they’re hibernating is cold-blooded murder,’ said Masha Vorontsova of the International Fund for Animals Welfare, which is trying to have the practice outlawed. 

Humans will be lucky to remain in the top 40 next All-Species update. 

–But wait! There’s more! 

Agence France-Presse / Manila: “A rare Philippines quail previously feared to be extinct has been photographed alive for the first time – as it was headed for the cooking pot, bird researchers say. 

“Hunters snared the Worcester’s buttonquail, or Turnix worcesteri, in the Caraballo mountain range last month and a television crew filmed the live bird at a poultry market, the Wild Bird Club of the Philippines said yesterday.” 

–But there’s good news! “Wildlife officials are celebrating the sighting of a beaver in the Detroit River for the first time in decades, signaling that efforts to clean up the waterway are paying off.” 

While there is pressure to credit humans on this one, sounds like the beavers just took matters into their own paws, so to speak, instead of dealing with all the red tape. 

–The Washington Nationals gave a $1.4 million signing bonus to Esmailyn Gonzalez, a 19-year-old Dominican shortstop. But as noted in the Washington Post, a writer claims the kid is actually 23-year-old Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo. If true, yet another example of how shoddy some Latin American scouting divisions are in major league baseball. You’ll recall how there have been charges scouts have been splitting bonuses with prospects who, first, are intimidated, and, second, are so poor any money seems like a fortune. 

–The judge in the Barry Bonds steroids case wants to interview trainer Greg Anderson before the trial begins on March 2 to determine if he will testify. 

–A-Rod to his teammates at his Tuesday press conference, all of whom despise the guy, one can safely assume. “Through this crisis we are going to become so close.”  

A-Rod also said this: “God has put me in a forum where I can be heard.” Just shoot me. 

Top 3 songs week of 2/18/84: #1 “Karma Chameleon” (Culture Club) #2 “Jump” (Van Halen) #3 “Joanna” (Kool & The Gang)…and…#4 “99 Luftballons” (Nena) #5 “Talking In Your Sleep” (The Romantics) #6 “That’s All!” (Genesis) #7 “Thriller” (Michael Jackson) #8 “Owner Of A Lonely Heart” (Yes) #9 “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” (Cyndi Lauper) #10 “Let The Music Play” (Shannon) 

NHL Quiz Answers: 1) Original six teams…Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Montreal, New York, Toronto. 2) Last Cup…Red Wings, 2008; Rangers, 1994; Canadiens, 1993; Bruins, 1972; Maple Leafs, 1967; Blackhawks, 1961.  

Total Stanley Cups: 

The Red Wings lead with 19 playoff berths in the last 20 years.