NFL Quiz: 1) Most seasons leading the league in scoring? [Two
players.] 2) Most seasons leading league in TDs? 3) Most
seasons leading league in rushing? Answers below.
The Historic Match
Saturday night, the editor decided that he would watch the
Serena-Venus match for the U.S. Open Championship. Now
longtime readers know that I am not a big tennis fan. Oh sure,
I”ve seen my share of Wimbledon and Open finals, but
otherwise, I really couldn”t give a damn.
But this week I thought it was my duty to catch all the action. [I
also didn”t have a clue what I would write about for Bar Chat if I
didn”t watch it, so I grabbed the opportunity.]
Now, of course, there was a choice of entertainment Saturday. I
could have watched my surging New York Mets, and there was
also Notre Dame / Nebraska. But with a fridge stocked with
beer, I flicked on CBS. Here were my thoughts, as I scribbled
them down.
I”ve been to the U.S. Open once, and I have to tell you, unless
you are right down on the court, I think the seats suck. A La-Z-
Boy is much more effective. It”s 8:00 PM, coverage begins.
Billie Jean King (I always liked her) on the match. “They
haven”t played a quality match (together) yet.” Uh oh, the first
sign this historic evening for women”s tennis is going to be a
bust.
Of course the history of the Williams sisters is replete with
busts.and tanked matches. However, let me get this out of the
way now. You have to respect the hell out of Richard Williams
for what he accomplished with his daughters. Like Earl Woods,
he set a goal and the two achieved it. That said, he is one a-hole.
And where is he?
Boy, that first 35 minutes of coverage was absolutely riveting,
wasn”t it? There was Diana Ross, one of the awful people in
show business. And how can you lip-sync “God Bless
America”?
Now I”m thinking it”s taking about 30 minutes to watch these
two warm up. At least with golf coverage you get right to the
action.
There”s Chris Evert. Man, she looks great! I was also always a
Chrissie fan.
Action is about to start. Time for another beer.
Dick Enberg: “And finally the first ball will be struck.” Amen.
John McEnroe, tool: “Serena wins the historic first point.” I”m
totally underwhelmed.
I realize that we are over 35 minutes into the coverage and no
one has said anything about Richard Williams”s whereabouts.
The announcers have been saying there was electricity in the air.
That”s a bunch of bull. You go to the U.S. Open to be seen. Not
to watch tennis. [Unless it was for Agassi – Sampras. I would
have paid $10 to see that.]
Regardless, you can tell the crowd is bored stiff by the second
game.
Why do fans clap for unforced errors? It”s like those morons at
golf tournaments who clap after a horrible 3-putt bogey. These
fans should all be fined.
Time for a beer.
Look, there”s Joe Namath.one of my true heroes.
Unfortunately, I was only 7- or 8-years old when he was running
around “Bachelors Three.” It would have been fun to be there.
And look, it”s Joe Torre! As a Mets fan, I can”t stand Joe. Plus
I”ll never forget the game when he was playing for the Mets and
hit into 4 double plays.still a record. You can tell both Namath
and Torre are already thinking, “Why the @#$% are we here?”
McEnroe: “Venus covers a lot of ground.” It”s this kind of
inane commentary that true sports fans hate. No shirt, Sherlock,
that”s probably why she is #1 in the world.
One hour into the broadcast and Mary Carillo (who”s cool), tells
us that Richard Williams is in the stadium somewhere. Williams
had told the announcers he was taking a plane back to Florida
earlier in the day. This is one strange, messed up dude.
Why do idiots feel compelled to yell out at tennis matches? Why
do morons shout “You da man” at golf events? 10-20 year jail
terms for both would correct the problem real quick.
Serena double-faults, Venus is up 5-2. Time for another beer.
I decide I could use a Cyclops in my home.
Right about now, CBS is thinking, boy this sux.
Now we get to see Candace Bergen, which gives me an
opportunity to remind my liberal friends that Dan Quayle was
right. And there”s Spike Lee, looking like a pimp. But I do like
Frank Robinson, a tough SOB. He”d make a good Defense
Secretary.
A commercial for “Wolf Lake” says, “viewer discretion advised.
Partial nudity.” Ratings should be huge, at least for the first two
or three episodes.
I”m beginning to wonder if I have enough beer. And there are
lots of sirens outside. Perhaps my town is under terrorist attack.
Actually, with Lucent up the road, and with the stock down 90%,
you never know what the employees could be doing.
Enberg: “It just isn”t easy beating little brother or sister.”
Actually, in ancient Rome.
It”s 9:10, 35 minutes into this unwatchable match. And you just
know the crowd in the stands is thinking, I can be in Manhattan
by 10:00 for dinner.
6-2, 2-0.Venus. More sirens wail. I have no antidote if this is
an attack involving anthrax.
We learned early on that the last time sisters faced each other
was in 1884, Maud and Lilian Watson. I”m thinking I could
virtually guarantee these two put on a better show than I”m
watching tonight.
As Serena is clearly tanking, Mary Carillo questions why Venus
now drops her form as well. Go Mary! You da man.oops.
Suddenly, it”s 6-2, 3-2.however, I”m still bored out of my skull.
But wait, the AFLAC trivia quiz.
“Which sisters have faced each other the most in U.S. Open
matches?”
Well, you have the Andrews Sisters, Lennon Sisters (I was force-
fed lots of Lawrence Welk as a kid), the Pointer Sisters.but the
answer must be the Dominican Sisters.
Finally, there is one rally worth watching, but half the crowd
doesn”t know it because they have such lousy seats.
Serena”s grunting reminds me of Mets pitcher Al Leiter. Yaks
also grunt. It”s 6-2, 4-3. Serena shows a little life.
My clicker isn”t working (it hasn”t for 9 months), which means
that during the commercials I have to get up and manually
change the channels to find out what”s going on in the other
sporting events. But in building up the forward momentum of
getting out of the chair, it also makes it easier to then head
downstairs for another brewski.
There”s Brandy!…was a fine girl…what a good wife…she
would be. 6-2, 5-4. I”m thinking the beer will definitely hold
out.
Game, set, match…it”s over. 6-2, 6-4. All of 70 minutes.
Glancing at the clock, it”s 9:45 PM. CBS has to be thinking,
what do we do with all this time? Or, how can we cut things off
by 10:00?
We go to Merv Heller, president of the USTA for the second
place presentation. “I”d like to thank all the fans in the stands for
being here on this historic occasion.” He should have apologized
to them for ripping them off. It was the worst exhibition of title
play in the history of mankind. Actually, there was that Bears –
Patriots Super Bowl about 15 years ago.
Serena: “I”m not disappointed. I”m still young.” I”m thinking,
Serena gets $425,000…Venus $850,000. Of course they split it
up the middle. $637,500 each.
Hey, where”s Richard? Hey, we”re running out of time! But
here”s Bill Harrison of J.P. Morgan / Chase to present the trophy
to Venus. This poor soul thinks the crowd is there to see him.
It”s sad. “It doesn”t get much better than this,” he rambles on.
Well, we never did hear from McEnroe or Carillo for their own
post match comments, because CBS successfully plugged in
“The District” by 10:03. Great move on its part. My view?
Well, let”s just say you won”t find me watching these two play
each other again. Am I being fair? Maybe not. As I said in the
beginning, they are to be admired, but the history of their
matches (with defaults and questionable play) irks me. And
Richard Williams…oh, I”ll let him slide this time. The mother
seems like she has her act together, at least. But what was up
with that jerk sitting next to her?
Stuff
–College football: You have to be fired up for Fresno State.
Colorado, Oregon, and Wisconsin…all defeated. If they do run
the table from here, they just have to be in the Bowl
Championship Series.
And what of South Florida beating what was supposed to be a
respectable Pitt team? It was the school”s 8th game, ever, in
Division I-A play. Incredible story.
Middle Tennessee State beat Troy State, 54-17. Nebraska only
beat Troy State by 42-14. Ergo, MTSU would beat Nebraska.
[Sorry, Ken S., just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
Nice win against ND, though.] MTSU would also beat Notre
Dame.
–Have you caught Dallas Cowboys” owner Jerry Jones and his
new look? Wow, it”s hideous. As quoted in Sports Illustrated, a
Fort Worth reporter said, “The doctor who did this has to be in
hiding.” Jones had Michael Jackson type facial restructuring.
Scary.
–Cownose Rays are destroying New Jersey”s clam beds. As the
Star-Ledger reports, the rays” “powerful jaws and blunt, platelike
teeth help them crush shellfish.” These rays have a width of
about 4-feet and weigh 50 pounds. Traveling in schools of up to
200 they can eat 60,000 clams in one night! Clearly, these are
also the vanguards for the bull sharks which are slowly making
their way up to Asbury Park, as I noted weeks ago.
–A 16-inch piranha-type fish was caught in the Ohio River. The
fishermen are convinced it was the real deal. Researchers are
examining it, but seem sure it is a cousin, the redbelly pacu. Of
course it”s a piranha. Just all part of the plan, kind of like a
pincer movement.
–Michael Jordan is definitely coming back. He”s been playing 6
hours a day, 6 days a week, against NBA players back home in
Chicago. He should announce end of the month.
–According to Parade magazine, Britney Spears has her favorite
iced beverage from L.A.”s Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf shop sent
to her by private jet wherever she”s touring. Maybe we do need
a good Depression.
–And a follow-up to a story I wrote about in “Week in Review,”
the Chappaqua, New York high school party that garnered so
much press in the New York area. A player interviewed by the
New York Post described the action.
“We were drinking beer and smoking (pot) and watching the
stripper do her thing. And Jeremy”s parents were right there
having a good time with us.” See above conclusion in the
Britney story.
Top 3 songs for the week of 9/7/68: #1 “People Got To Be Free”
(The Rascals) #2 “Born To Be Wild” (Steppenwolf) #3 “Light
My Fire” (Jose Feliciano)
NFL Quiz Answers: 1) Seasons / Scoring: 5 times; Don Hutson
(1940-44) Green Bay; Gino Cappelletti (1961, 1963-66) Boston
Patriots. No one has done it 4 times. 2) Seasons leading league
in TDs: 5; Jim Brown (1957-59, 1963, 1965) Cleveland. 3)
Seasons leading league in rushing: 8; Jim Brown (1957-61,
1963-65). Next is five players with 4.
Happy 72nd birthday, Arnie!!!
Next Bar Chat, Wednesday.
